sad, low, depressed/

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Oct 6, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Jim I loved you,
    I thought you loved me too.
    I thought you cared for me
    I believed everything you told me
    Why did you tell me you loved me
    Why did you tell me you would look after me
    Why did you tell me I was special
    Why did you tell me I looked nice
    Was it all to prepare me for what you would do next?
    Why did you change?
    Why couldn't you keep it like it was?
    Why couldn't you be the one man I trusted
    Why, Jim Why?
    There were days
    We smiled, we laughed, we joked
    But those days are lost
    From what you done to us.
    I was so lonely and hurting so badly
    nobody could see the pain I was in.
    nobody saw how inside I was already dying
    but you reached out, and held me so tight.
    You cuddled me at night
    you held me tight sometimes as I cried
    but then you would start to kiss me.
    And you hand would creep down
    I didn't fight back
    maybe if I had it wouldn't have continued
    it would have stopped that night
    instead I let it go on for another 7 years.
    I tried to please you, be nice to you,
    I said nothing for so many years,
    Believing for so long it was my fault
    But Jim, I was a child, we were children.
    I let you take photos of me
    You gave me money,
    You gave me smokes
    You gave me everything but took away so much more.
    You wouldn't let me go anyway in your flat
    everywhere I went, you found away to touch me
    to touch you, to do things even with people in the flat
    there were no restrictions to what you would do
    We had sex, my body wasn't ready
    I wasn't ready.
    The pain I felt, I still feel today
    I won't ever be normal, that's what you took away.
    I can't be with a man, scared of what he will do
    scared that I won't be able to give him what he wants
    scared of hearing the words I love you
    and seeing your face all over again.
    Hearing the words you said,
    just remind me of what you did
    Smelling that cheap aftershave
    remind me of the closeness
    You have made me feel worthless
    You have made me feel bad, guilty
    For I wasn't always able to give you
    the one thing you wanted
    You said I was dirty,
    I was a whore
    You said I had let you down
    after everything you had done.
    I couldn't help that my body changed
    I couldn't stop the normal progress
    but the way you made me feel
    I still hold on to, today.
    You wasn't ever violent,
    not until that day
    all it took, was for me to change
    from a child, to teenager. You didn't want to know.
    You hated me from that day,
    but still for 2 years it continued.
    I was scared off you, I still am scared off you
    but knowing what could happen if I told scared me more.
    Jim you hurt me deliberately
    You must know it’s wrong
    Please just say sorry
    Or at least recognise the damage you have done
    Jim can you hear me, the words I say?
    Do you hear, can you see the pain inside?
    Do you think I will ever be free?
    From all the damage, my childhood you denied?
    Do you see the hurt that I feel
    the pain that rips through my heart?
    The coldness I feel,
    The hatred towards myself
    Jim I was trapped in a web of lies
    never sure what was true and what was not.
    Thought I was loved by you
    now realise I was not.
    Not only did you take my life away
    you stole my innocence too.
    I’ve gone through life, many ups and downs as I went.
    Just trying to find the person who I was before you took her away.
    Self harm became part of me
    but only I could see.
    Addicted to coke to feel free
    but still a prisoner inside.
    Behavioral problems,
    health problems,
    kicking out, kicking off
    all cause of the secret I held.
    Feelings of despair,
    wondering why I was ever here.
    Trying to escape from the pain you caused
    but I never really found away.
    Depression took over
    anxiety followed.
    I started to drink to hide from the pain,
    the pain caused by you
    When I look in the mirror,
    I dislike the reflection I see.
    The eyes that I see staring back at me
    Are empty, vacant and hollow
    Jim you have taken so much more,
    then just my life, my soul.
    You took the person I should have been.
    My childhood, teenage years gone.
    Jim I’ve used drugs to take me away
    I’ve used drink to numb the pain.
    I used sex with others, to make what you did right.
    I used violence as I couldn't fight you.
    I have scars on my body
    Scars caused by you
    The way you treated me,
    Has left me hating this body, my body I don’t feel I own.
    I hate myself so much,
    For letting you do what you done
    I’ve punished myself daily,
    With food, self harming, self medication.
    I can’t make eye contact
    Scared they see what you done
    Fearing they see how containmented I am
    That’s just another thing you have done.
    You still scare me
    I still see your face
    I still hear the words
    I still smell you near.
    I close my eyes you are there
    I walk down the street you are there
    I can't escape you.
    I can't escape what you done
    I don’t feel safe anyway
    You have done this to me
    Every place, every person
    I’m fearful off, because of how you were and what you done.
    Seeing your the other month,
    reliving the pain.
    Has made me realise more then ever.
    You have taken everything away.
    You have stolen my childhood, my life
    my chance of normality.
    My trust for others destroyed
    My confidence just gone.
    I don't trust myself.
    I don't like myself
    I hate sex
    I hate closeness
    I don't trust any words that are said
    I feel dirty all the time
    I feel the pain of what happened
    I hold the secrecy of things we done.
    I felt like a prostitute, I was porn
    I was your whore, but Jim I was a child
    the chains you held are still there
    I can't break away, nor be free.
    Did you realise that with each kiss?
    Each touch,
    Each day
    You killed another part of me.
    Living with the pain, the shame,
    Embarrassment, memories is tearing me apart
    I don’t want to feel it anymore,
    I want to die and be gone.
    Jim you stole so much from me,
    You continue to hold the power, control
    I hope one day,
    You feel the pain I feel today.
    Jim, please allow us to find some peace
    Please recognise this pain, the hurt you caused
    Take some of this guilt away,
    I was a child, you done wrong, please allow now allow us to heal.
    Please take some responsibility,
    You can’t have forgotten, not what you done,
    We were just children
    Who should have been allowed to play.
    Jim, each day I have to fight to survive,
    It should never have been like this,
    I should have been allowed to grow,
    I should have been allowed to choose.
    BUT you Jim took my choice away.
    By the time you get to read this
    I will be dead and at peace.
    cause Jim, I can't take this hurt anymore.

    Goodnight x
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi lost_child. Your story was so beautifully written, but really sad to read. :sad: You should include it in poetry collection. It really shows how children who have been sexually abused, have to struggle with life everyday. I hope that the pedophile bastards out there can read this and see how their actions affect the lives of their victims. Please don't give up lost_child. You have to put this sick bastard behind bars so that he doesn't do this to another child. :hug:
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