sad, low, depressed/

Jim I loved you,
I thought you loved me too.
I thought you cared for me
I believed everything you told me
Why did you tell me you loved me
Why did you tell me you would look after me
Why did you tell me I was special
Why did you tell me I looked nice
Was it all to prepare me for what you would do next?
Why did you change?
Why couldn't you keep it like it was?
Why couldn't you be the one man I trusted
Why, Jim Why?
There were days
We smiled, we laughed, we joked
But those days are lost
From what you done to us.
I was so lonely and hurting so badly
nobody could see the pain I was in.
nobody saw how inside I was already dying
but you reached out, and held me so tight.
You cuddled me at night
you held me tight sometimes as I cried
but then you would start to kiss me.
And you hand would creep down
I didn't fight back
maybe if I had it wouldn't have continued
it would have stopped that night
instead I let it go on for another 7 years.
I tried to please you, be nice to you,
I said nothing for so many years,
Believing for so long it was my fault
But Jim, I was a child, we were children.
I let you take photos of me
You gave me money,
You gave me smokes
You gave me everything but took away so much more.
You wouldn't let me go anyway in your flat
everywhere I went, you found away to touch me
to touch you, to do things even with people in the flat
there were no restrictions to what you would do
We had sex, my body wasn't ready
I wasn't ready.
The pain I felt, I still feel today
I won't ever be normal, that's what you took away.
I can't be with a man, scared of what he will do
scared that I won't be able to give him what he wants
scared of hearing the words I love you
and seeing your face all over again.
Hearing the words you said,
just remind me of what you did
Smelling that cheap aftershave
remind me of the closeness
You have made me feel worthless
You have made me feel bad, guilty
For I wasn't always able to give you
the one thing you wanted
You said I was dirty,
I was a whore
You said I had let you down
after everything you had done.
I couldn't help that my body changed
I couldn't stop the normal progress
but the way you made me feel
I still hold on to, today.
You wasn't ever violent,
not until that day
all it took, was for me to change
from a child, to teenager. You didn't want to know.
You hated me from that day,
but still for 2 years it continued.
I was scared off you, I still am scared off you
but knowing what could happen if I told scared me more.
Jim you hurt me deliberately
You must know it’s wrong
Please just say sorry
Or at least recognise the damage you have done
Jim can you hear me, the words I say?
Do you hear, can you see the pain inside?
Do you think I will ever be free?
From all the damage, my childhood you denied?
Do you see the hurt that I feel
the pain that rips through my heart?
The coldness I feel,
The hatred towards myself
Jim I was trapped in a web of lies
never sure what was true and what was not.
Thought I was loved by you
now realise I was not.
Not only did you take my life away
you stole my innocence too.
I’ve gone through life, many ups and downs as I went.
Just trying to find the person who I was before you took her away.
Self harm became part of me
but only I could see.
Addicted to coke to feel free
but still a prisoner inside.
Behavioral problems,
health problems,
kicking out, kicking off
all cause of the secret I held.
Feelings of despair,
wondering why I was ever here.
Trying to escape from the pain you caused
but I never really found away.
Depression took over
anxiety followed.
I started to drink to hide from the pain,
the pain caused by you
When I look in the mirror,
I dislike the reflection I see.
The eyes that I see staring back at me
Are empty, vacant and hollow
Jim you have taken so much more,
then just my life, my soul.
You took the person I should have been.
My childhood, teenage years gone.
Jim I’ve used drugs to take me away
I’ve used drink to numb the pain.
I used sex with others, to make what you did right.
I used violence as I couldn't fight you.
I have scars on my body
Scars caused by you
The way you treated me,
Has left me hating this body, my body I don’t feel I own.
I hate myself so much,
For letting you do what you done
I’ve punished myself daily,
With food, self harming, self medication.
I can’t make eye contact
Scared they see what you done
Fearing they see how containmented I am
That’s just another thing you have done.
You still scare me
I still see your face
I still hear the words
I still smell you near.
I close my eyes you are there
I walk down the street you are there
I can't escape you.
I can't escape what you done
I don’t feel safe anyway
You have done this to me
Every place, every person
I’m fearful off, because of how you were and what you done.
Seeing your the other month,
reliving the pain.
Has made me realise more then ever.
You have taken everything away.
You have stolen my childhood, my life
my chance of normality.
My trust for others destroyed
My confidence just gone.
I don't trust myself.
I don't like myself
I hate sex
I hate closeness
I don't trust any words that are said
I feel dirty all the time
I feel the pain of what happened
I hold the secrecy of things we done.
I felt like a prostitute, I was porn
I was your whore, but Jim I was a child
the chains you held are still there
I can't break away, nor be free.
Did you realise that with each kiss?
Each touch,
Each day
You killed another part of me.
Living with the pain, the shame,
Embarrassment, memories is tearing me apart
I don’t want to feel it anymore,
I want to die and be gone.
Jim you stole so much from me,
You continue to hold the power, control
I hope one day,
You feel the pain I feel today.
Jim, please allow us to find some peace
Please recognise this pain, the hurt you caused
Take some of this guilt away,
I was a child, you done wrong, please allow now allow us to heal.
Please take some responsibility,
You can’t have forgotten, not what you done,
We were just children
Who should have been allowed to play.
Jim, each day I have to fight to survive,
It should never have been like this,
I should have been allowed to grow,
I should have been allowed to choose.
BUT you Jim took my choice away.
By the time you get to read this
I will be dead and at peace.
cause Jim, I can't take this hurt anymore.

Goodnight x

 

Hi lost_child. Your story was so beautifully written, but really sad to read. :sad: You should include it in poetry collection. It really shows how children who have been sexually abused, have to struggle with life everyday. I hope that the pedophile bastards out there can read this and see how their actions affect the lives of their victims. Please don't give up lost_child. You have to put this sick bastard behind bars so that he doesn't do this to another child. :hug: