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Sad: really, really sad.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by preston, Dec 17, 2011.

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  1. preston

    preston New Member

    I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, but whatever; I'm in search of advice and will take anything I can get.

    I don't mean to sound like the classic kid with issue, but lately I've been feeling really lonely and down. I'm 20 years old, and my entire life I've been nothing but a cynic and asshole to everyone I've ever known and been close too. I just can't help myself, I'm known universally as a pessimist and a downer, and I hate myself for it. The only thing that elevates me from suicide is my intelligence, and I know what you're thinking,"intelligence! what a joke, this kid is a pseudo-intellectual." But really, I'm a junior math/econ major at a decently prestigious university, and I take great pride in my ability to think in an abstract and rational manner.

    It tortures me to write this, and as I skim through it I see my own arrogance even in the face of suicidal depression. I'm so pathetic...

    Ever since finals ended I wake up every day at 4pm, get high and lay around my apartment. I don't shower, or shave or groom myself anymore. What for? No one actually cares. I don't work, and I detest charity. I'm a hypocrite, and as far as I can tell a useless waste of life.

    I'm often complimented on my looks, but even so I hate to look at myself in a mirror. I hate it when people look at me and I hate it when I see other people happy. All my friends and family are enjoying their lives and are getting married and having kids, and I just watch from my balcony as the whole world dances and has fun.

    What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? What keeps me from finding happiness? My family isnt bad, I love my family. I've never had any traumatic experiences? I just cant seem to be up... what the fuck should I do? I have to do something before this darkness takes me over. Its becoming unbearable. Please help.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello preston and welcome to SF! Sometimes depression strikes us down for absolutely no reason at all and sucks all the happiness and positivity out of us. There doesn't have to be a reason for it, it can happen as it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Have you been under any increased stress from uni recently? What seems like normal, healthy stress to us can be enough sometimes to trigger a depressed episode. How long have you been feeling like this? You might just need some anti depressants to lift that black cloud a little so you can regain a more normal perspective on things.
  3. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Hi Preston, your not alone, I feel the same way. I feel so sad & lonely. Hope your journey converts to happiness.
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