I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, but whatever; I'm in search of advice and will take anything I can get. I don't mean to sound like the classic kid with issue, but lately I've been feeling really lonely and down. I'm 20 years old, and my entire life I've been nothing but a cynic and asshole to everyone I've ever known and been close too. I just can't help myself, I'm known universally as a pessimist and a downer, and I hate myself for it. The only thing that elevates me from suicide is my intelligence, and I know what you're thinking,"intelligence! what a joke, this kid is a pseudo-intellectual." But really, I'm a junior math/econ major at a decently prestigious university, and I take great pride in my ability to think in an abstract and rational manner. It tortures me to write this, and as I skim through it I see my own arrogance even in the face of suicidal depression. I'm so pathetic... Ever since finals ended I wake up every day at 4pm, get high and lay around my apartment. I don't shower, or shave or groom myself anymore. What for? No one actually cares. I don't work, and I detest charity. I'm a hypocrite, and as far as I can tell a useless waste of life. I'm often complimented on my looks, but even so I hate to look at myself in a mirror. I hate it when people look at me and I hate it when I see other people happy. All my friends and family are enjoying their lives and are getting married and having kids, and I just watch from my balcony as the whole world dances and has fun. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? What keeps me from finding happiness? My family isnt bad, I love my family. I've never had any traumatic experiences? I just cant seem to be up... what the fuck should I do? I have to do something before this darkness takes me over. Its becoming unbearable. Please help.