Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by meh__, Dec 26, 2008.

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  1. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    i hate holidays because it reminds me of how lonely i am.i'm basically sad all the time, no matter what i'm doing..i've been depressed since i was 11 and i'm almost 19 now. i'm bitter and angry all the time but i do a wonderful job at appearing somewhat normal for months at a time and then i have a breakdown and stay in bed for weeks/months. i used to do alot of drugs for a few years but that got old fast. rambling about shit no one cares about but i just need to say it somewhere. i have a therapist who is great and helps me and shit but i have absoloutely noone else in my life i could ever say any of this to everrrr.

    i have been on about 5 different anti depressants, a few anxiety meds that i ate like fucking skittles, have had many therapists, gone to a program for people with severe anxiety/depression,been in & outta hospital, tried other weird methods.. i am off all meds now but i still feel like i have no emotions. i get awful panic attacks because i'll start thinking of something random and then my thoughts just kinda take on a mind of their own and it feels like a giant foot is crushing my chest permanently.

    i have had a few jobs but after a little while i'll start feeling like i'm too stupid or make up something in my head which will cause me to have severe anxiety attacks at work or before work so ill wake up 7 hours early to make myself look perfect and then as im getting in the car to go, my heart beats painfully fast and im consumed by fucked up thoughts out so i run back inside and retreat to my only safe place, my bed.

    i guess im looking for a little advice or any words of wisdom because i feel like i've tried almost everything yet i'm still just as depressed and crippled by anxiety as i ever was. i also read and over analyzed this post a million times because i'm anxious to actually post anything.
    (wooow i sound like such a loser..)

    thanking you in advance:)
  2. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    I really hope you feel better have a nice hug :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    You aren't alone, you have us :hug:

    I'm sorry your anxiety is so severe :sad: I know how that feels.

    Maybe try meditation,breathing exercises or relaxation cd's to help your anxiety? It's gotta be worth a try.

    I'm here if you need to talk :hug:
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi marla, I'm sorry to hear that your social anxiety is so bad. Don't feel like a loser hun. Many people have social anxiety to some degree, including me. Just try not to let it get the better of you. Please don't give up hun. :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Marla,
    :poke::welcome:to the forum!! I know how you feel. I have been dealing with the socialphobia and augoriphobia for the last fifteen years. I have been a loner all my life. When I was younger I had so called friends that we use to get high togethor everyday. Other than them I haven't had anyone. We moved every two years because my dad was military. So I never learned how to make attachments. I would just stay in my room and play with my toys.
    I am fifty one now and I only feel safe in my bedroom all alone. I live with my sister and she comes in when she gets off work and tries to get me to talk. It's a good thing I have her because I would be on the streets otherwise.
    I am glad to see you are trying to get help!! For some of us that is the best you can do. I see my shrink every three months, My therapist every other week and I take my meds faithfully, Oh yea I see my regular doctor every three months too because he monitors my my liver and kidneys because of the meds he has me on.
    I hope you find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. I like mine because she doesn't pull any punches and cusses like a truck driver. If it wasn't for her I would never leave the house. Take Care!~Joseph~
  6. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    thank you guys so much for your responses, i rly appreciate it!

    i have tried relaxation tapes a few years ago but they didnt work too well, and i am working on breathing techniques because i do hyperventilate easily or ill start just breathing strangely and not catch on until im outta breath haha.. and Stranger, i also had so called frriends but we just did a shitload of drugs together and now that im trying to stay clean they seem to come around less often. i still have a few good friends but none i could ever say this stuff to. i'm afraid if i keep this pattern i will end up back in hospital after an overdose or just drive my car into a fucking train. thanks again

    mar xx
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Any time you are down please PM me I will talk to you. You don't have to go it alone.Take Care!!Joseph~
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