Hiyas Anne If you are confused about the situation then you have your answer, you DO want to live but whatever you have had to endure has been slowly pushing you to breaking point that you are starting to doubt your own being.
I don't know what your situation is, or what you have had to go through or what you are going through now but I'll take it as a good sign that yesterday you had a good day.
Most mentally ill folks I know, regardless of circumstance or ability all share similar traits in that, they want to live but the pain they are going through is just too much for them to cope with sometimes, if not all of the time.
Their recovery also progresses along similar lines, even if there is no cure you can still work your way to a stage where the good days outnumber the bad days and hopefully, as you improve, the bad days will occur farther and farther apart.
You are not defective or irrevocably stained in any way, it's human nature to want to improve life for ourselves and others and since as a species we reward good behaviour and tend to punish bad behaviour I think, though cannot be certain, that everyone has a built in sense of right or wrong, even if that sense is so diminished all they care about is avoiding getting punished.
You are not being punished byt the world, or any entity be it God, nature etc etc, when the mind gets in this state it looks for reasons to avert punishment and when it can't it FINDS reasons to blame itself.
Hi hun sad sometimes just sneaks up on us hun what i try to do then is distract myself get outside call someone to do thing s with listen to happy music. I think you just want sadness to go hun that all hugs