Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 14, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So sad, very emotional day. I'd like to happily be like those already gone.......sorry, so sorry.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry you are so sad hun i know that feeling of wanting to leave but hold on ok hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know this is very difficult but hopefully there are people there who could care for you...big hugs from here and miss you
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both, I am sorry. To hear those have passed are happy and okay is a relief but also a temptation to join them. Feel unstable, thought I'd be better here, it's kind of making things worse again in my head..... Unsure what to do.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I want to cut so bad, juSt shaking tonight. I want pain to distract, because I should have it, because I deserve it. I am v tired but again my mind won't quieten.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there something else you can do? Take a something? and you only deserve goodness, my friend
  7. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Hey there, soulmate. I really love your name, just want to say.

    Don't be sorry for wanting to hurt yourself. My arms seemed to be begging for pain today, but all I did was distract myself. Go online, watch funny YouTube videos, called a friend, listened to music... anything to keep me occupied. You shouldn't be sorry for a shitty day; you should fight back to make it the best it can be. Fuck life and its shittiness - you can make it awesome! Just do something fun, take a walk like Sadeyes said or just amuse yourself on the internet. Watch some tv, talk to a friend, something, then get some sleep. You can get through it, and tomorrow will be a better day :)
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, I can't go as there's things to be done here. Easier for all if I can get things organized in the long run. Have one family member making a comment concerning their hopes and wishes their children aren't gay... In front of me. Another member giving out because something broke in their car that I was using but not my fault, but doesn't matter to them. more lip service for putting something on mums grave. So triggering. The person I saw yesterday said re sexual abuse, I said yes. How would others know about some of that as I never said a thing. Trying to get quiet time, it's hard. Very triggered about stuffs. Feel like I'm going to explode.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I wish people would learn to either be kind or shut up...about the children not being gay, I am sorry that person has children, sight unseen...they should only be so fortunate to have a child like what you can there and know that, although it was the place you were born, your home is here with us...miss you each day
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    It was my sis.


    This wasn't a good idea. Sorry. Take care & hugs
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    My mind won't cease. I really want it to. I want just peace, within. How is that even possible? how can I get there? What am I doing wrong? Is it even attainable, for me? Ever? Why can't I be happy just being? Why is my mind chattering constantly? Worrying and thinking on things I can't change, things that won't change, things that have been and worries from the past, the present and about the future. If there is one.
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have been through so reminds me of a bottle of soda that has been shaken...takes a while to come back to some order...and yes, you will find happiness and peace again, and others, like us, who truly care about you
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    When you are at this place and can find no hope or faith in yourself, let us have that hope and faith for you. I know you can rise above this deep sadness and grief to once again feel whole. There will always be an empty place, but it doesn't have to be filled with darkness. Fill it with the good memories and happy times. Write them down and when you find your mind drifting, go back and read them. Do it as often as you need to. :hug:
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both. I'm not sure that things are ever going to change for the better. And with that in mind, shouldn't I be concentrating on other permanent choices?

    I'm tired of being pathetic, just tired of so much. I hate to be here, at sf, and be so selfish 24/7. I need a release.
  15. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend


    thinkin of u x
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Am starting to plan, to think about things. The how's and when's and things.

    Icky anniversary date today. Came across pictures earlier, sad and disturbing. Brings back scary thoughts.

    N point discussing stuff, how does it help other than reliving events? Being here I am reliving enough as it is.
  17. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo..oo....oo man I am so sorry you're going through all this... it sucks that when we need family the most they can hurt us so much unwittingly or deliberately... it still hurts. My sisters have hurt me so much and some of my most painful memories are at the time of my Moms death & things no matter what you have us here who care more than you know... family have the capacity to hurt us so much & because we love them & we care so much & so desperately want & need their approval. Its not right and its not ok grief seems to bring out the worst in some people.
    Please stay safe You are you and we all here are ever so glad that you are you :hug:
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks ditsy, it doesn't matter anymore.

    Everyone, it doesn't matter but I thank you all so very much for your kindness. I'm sorry to have taken u so much time and energy from such a lovely community.

    I don't belong here, or anywhere it feels. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.
  19. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    OMG... MO???
    You are scaring me!!! Stay talk to me...? Us?? Someone?? Anyone??
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Please don't worry. Don't be scared. Ok?

    I just feel I don't belong. I've mumbled and complained here long enough. Unfortunately irl my contacts that I could converse about things is pretty much limited to my t. It is what it is. There is no one to blame but myself. Visiting graves the last couple of days has been draining. It is not understood where I am at in my life, my thoughts, feelings etc. I understand I probably should be better, whatever that means, by now. But I'm not. The pain is there, the hurt is there, the confusions, the anxiousness, the feelings of being so alone as I continue to try and live, the memories of rape and abuse, the shame at things that happened in my childhood, this sense of overwhelming loss, the presence of aldoholism, of just truly not belonging anywhere.

    So that's it, in a nutshell. I suppose I could go on and on and on but what's the point. It's all been said before. I'm tired. I tired of this, of me. That's all. I do not know what to do. But being here, leaning on others every day is just selfish.

    So, as I said, please do not worry. And take care of yourselves, you are each very precious.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.