Sadder than Normal

[rnoll]

Hello,

For about half my life (I am over 30), I've thought about ending my existence. I have the perception that if I were to not exist anymore there would be very few people that would even notice. I once talked to a close friend (a co-worker) about this, but his reply was that I am in control of my feelings. While I guess this is true for me, it basically closed off any door I have to open up to anyone I know.

I get the impression that my friends who are in the area do not have any time for me (I understand they have family and other obligations, but if you plan something and they do not even have the courtesy to give me a call to cancel or reschedule--it is not a pleasant feeling, it almost feels like rejection to me or, perhaps, there is no respect).

Today, the close friend mentioned that I should go out. Well, sure that is easy to say, but isn't the perception of someone alone in the corner of a crowded room/bar basically considered a loser? I do not do well in those situations. I do not drink alcohol that much as I do not like the taste. Though, I have thought that drinking might help me take my mind off my problems, but that is never a good idea. Going out alone isn't that much fun for me either.

The close friend also mentioned that I should play sports. Well, again, I am not good or know how to play many sports. (I do not even know how to ride a bicycle.)

I have no siblings. I never had any of the sibling rivalry that would teach me valuable lessons. Though, surprisingly, I do not think I ever had a problem sharing.

I am finding it very tough to function. I dread the weekends as I have not had any interesting plans for a very long time. I just go to work and go through the motions of work. I am trying to just put on a smile to hide the pain.

I feel that my "coping resources" have run out. I think I have ideas and perhaps a plan, BUT I also think this could be a plea for attention. I do not like feeling like this, and I feel like this around once a month, maybe more--over several days. I feel that my existence is not needed. I have the feeling that everyone I know would be better off if I were to have never existed.

There are very few people (though, I think it is more along the lines of no one) who remembers my birthday, and I'm the type of person who is happy with a happy birthday e-mail. I usually will not mention my birthday since I know that I would never receive a the very least a happy birthday e-mail. So, it is usually easier for me to just have my birthday be a regular day--nothing special. The worst of it all is the company I work for will just send a card (through the mail) that says "Happy Birthday" with the company name stamped at the bottom. It wasn't signed by anyone, the owner doesn't even look at them. The owner doesn't even care since these cards come out of Virgina. (I guess they just send them out to make themselves feel better to make it seem that they care, but it actually makes me feel worse--another reminder.)

Maybe I'm just one big cliche. It feels that I have used so many in this post. I apologize for any.

Does anyone else have these feelings? If you do, how do you personally deal with these feelings?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

 

[Savsta]

hello and welcome to sf you will find allot of people here with the same issues as you and allot of people that are willing to listen and help you as much as they can

im sorry to hear that you dont feel like your friends have that much time for you , i know exactly what that feels like , but please dont be ashamed or feel like a looser when doing anything on your own , after all that is how you meet people. next time your out , at a bar , in a park , anwhere really , you will see someone on their own , and you wont think that they are a looser , you might think they must be waiting on someone , you might think nothing atall you might not even notice them normally , there is nothing wrong with being on your own , people are generally too busy to even notice. maybe the things that your friend suggested are not right for you but that doesnt mean there is nothing you can do , do you have any hobbies or interests ? , you also mentioned that you cannot ride a bike , why not learn ? i love cycling , im lucky enough to live right near the country side and i honestly dont know if i would still be here if i couldnt cycle off into peace and quite sometimes.
as far as your birthday is concerned , i see it as a good way to see who truly cares about you , concentrate on thoose people who wish you a happy day and make an effort to see thoose people more often. i think i got about 6 messages on my birthday. hardly allot and nobody at my work mentioned it despite them being fully aware of it.

dont worry about being a cliche , you just simply are experiencing something that allot of us already have , your not alone in this. have you been to the doctors or hospital or anything ? taken any medication ?

if you want to chat dont hesitate to pm me.

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and welcome...maybe instead of attention, you are looking for a connection and that is a good thing...I used to feel so worthless and it kept me from doing things that may have helped my feelings of 'nothingness'...posting and getting to know ppl here might be something that can help with the week ends as well...yes, I have felt like you have written and it can be very lonely...please continue to let us know how you are doing...I am sure many other ppl can relate..welcome again, J

 

[Fuloqwam]

Yeah, I've gotten that "you're in control of your feelings" lecture, too. pfft.... What garbage.

I wish I could offer some words of comfort, but my problems are similar, and I have no idea how to deal with them. At least you have a close friend, right? That' pretty cool.

I know it feels like a while, but give it a little longer than a month. In the big scheme of things, it's not really that long. Give it a bit. If you have even one friend, it'll get better.

 

[total eclipse]

sometimes we have to outside our box our comfort zone and try new things so we can see a change Are you on medication for depression are you seeing a therapist a doctor to treat your anxiety Reach out and get the help you need it is there for you okay Do it now so you can start feeling better about you hugs

 

[Wanteddead]

Push yourself to go out and do things sports exercise
a group or a hobby. surrond yourself with good people you become a product of your enviroment. I know it can be hard when you feel isolated. Never go against your gut feeling.

 

[rnoll]

Thank you all for reading my post and your understanding.

@Savsta: I did use my birthday as a way to see who my true friends are. Unfortunately, the only people that wished me a happy birthday were my immediate boss and a boss two levels above her. I actually did not tell the person whom I thought I was closest to (the one who also gave me the mini-lecture that "I am in control of my feelings"), but somehow he did find out. Unfortunately, the next year he did not remember and we instead went to the golf course for him to hit a bucket of balls on the driving range. That day consisted of just waiting for the bucket of balls to be hit and a quick lunch at a fast food place close to work. Not much of a birthday. That year, no one else (besides the two boss' and parents) remembered my birthday. What is strange though, is I do not become as sad if someone who is out of the area forgets. I actually become really sad if someone who does know forgets who I see almost every working day. Does that make sense? One day though, I did ask why the friend who I thought I was closest to can remember all these facts about sports figures, but cannot even remember a simple birthday of someone who has actually helped him and listened to him whereas the people he does remember things about will never know who he is.

Savsta, as far as being to a doctor, hospital, or seeking any other professional help—I have not. I am still worried that this could be something analogous to hypochondria.

@Sadeyes: Thank you for your insight. I think it is hard for me to find connections with people since the only people I have contact with are my coworkers. I do have contact with a few neighbors, but I really do not want to bother them that much. Though, I will engage my neighbors in conversation if they are outside, but as far as knocking on their door and starting up a conversation I would probably not do that. I do not drink, so going to a bar would not be in character. (To be honest, I do not even like the taste of most alcohol.)

@Fuloqwam: Thank you for sharing that you too have gotten the "you’re in control of your feelings" lecture too. I have found that it does not help at all. In fact, it makes it worse because, in my case, I talked to the close friend (the friend mentioned above) about this and that was his response. So, basically, I do not have a close friend to talk to. It made it worse because I now can only ask questions and listen to the answer. If I am asked a question, I can only give quick, short, and to the point answers because I will most likely be interrupted mid-sentence or my response will be ignored.

I wonder if being interrupted mid-sentence can be a trigger for this feeling. The reason why I think this is that it is basically a signal that the people or person I am talking to really is not paying attention to what I am saying. (I do not mean that they have to be on the edge of their seat listening to every word I say.) But, when interrupted does that make you feel small and unimportant to the group or person?

@total_eclipse: You are correct about trying something outside our comfort zone. However, at this time, just posting here is pretty much outside my comfort zone. I am not seeing a therapist or doctor to help treat whatever this is. I am worried that this could just be attributed to hypochondria even though the only time I have ever called in sick is when there was serious digestive distress or when I just feel like I cannot get out of bed.

Speaking of not being able to get out of bed: Are there any time when you feel that you just do not want to get out of bed but when you do you feel really, really heavy? For example, a lot of times, I feel that my arms are heavier than normal. Also, does anyone also hope that they will be in a fatal auto accident where it is an accident but you are the only person injured or killed? I do not know, but I think I think this way at least once a week.

@Wanteddead: Thank you for your advice.

Once again, thank you all for your input. I apologize for this reply being so long and having questions inserted where they are. The questions are meant for anyone to answer.

Thank you again for your time,
Ryan

 

[Qu33n1]

I feel so bad for you after reading this but also it helps me to know I'm not the only one. I feel exactly the same. At work, with friends and family, a total disconnect. Socially, everyone seems genuinely happy while it takes all the strength I have to even smile. It's so hard. My bed is my best companion. I go to sleep wishing for no more tomorrows. I love to sleep because it means I can escape. I wake and cry because it's another day. It's really tough to get through them. I feel dreadfully alone. Even though I can attract people to me, my disconnect prevents me forming any substantial bonds. People lack of understanding or acknowledgement make me not want to be around them, sometimes I think it even manifests into anger... Which is not fair on them, so I stay away. I don't want to put my crap on anyone else so I deal with it alone. What is someone really to say or do with someone with my feelings? I e got to the point where the happiness of others makes me sad... I've never felt like that before and it's totally isolating. I feel like nobody understands or can help, yet I can't do it alone. It's not something that will go if I find a new hobbie, that's just a mask for the problem and it will still be there. Dr's will just med me up, can thy really be the answer. Meds for the rest of my life. I'm scared of the stigma and possible relapse. I'm scared for any future, it would be fair for my future spouse or children. Why would I invest in a family if I'm not normal, I don't want to affect any more lives... Then what would be the point of my life? If I'm not normal... Can't lead a normal life... Then what is the point of life itself? I don't see the point in going on... I find more solace in death and each day as the guilt of taking my life lessens, it becomes more of a reality... Thats what scares me the most...

 

[rnoll]

@Qu33n1: Hello Qu33n1. Thank you for sharing your personal experience too.

I have not been on in a couple of months because, for the most part, I have somewhat been able to control the sadness. Unfortunately, the sadness has just reappeared with basically all the same issues as conveyed in the initial post.

For some reason though, I think I have been able to fake like nothing is really bothering me when I'm not alone. However, I feel like I start to lose "it" when I'm alone. I thought I was able to control these feelings by masking them and trying to give myself something to do outside of work. Doing that worked for a while, but I fear that it is not going to work much longer.

I still feel that I have no one locally to talk to about this. I do not feel that any of my friends locally even have time for me--even if I were to ask a week to weeks in advance.

Even the person who I consider to be my closest friend every day makes me feel like crap most of the time. What usually happens to make me feel this way is if I am asking a question he will tend to listen to key words then start answering before I am done asking my question. And, since he does not like to be interrupted, I have to wait until he is finished with what he thinks is the answer, but then I have to usually state that wasn't going to be my question, and I have to ask my question again. He will also interrupt me if we are talking in a group, so once again, all I do is just stop and listen since well, what can I do? When he was on the receiving end of what he usually does to me he acted like a 3 year old. We've talked about this, but he still keeps doing it. He's even gone so far to state that, "You don't have a leg to stand on," when I was doing the interruptions to him one day. Um well, let's see this guy has interrupted me many, many times but if I do it he cannot take it.

Pretty much everyone will interrupt me just so they can say something--it can either be on the current subject matter or they just want to talk. Basically the way I handle it now is I'll just stop what I am saying and will not go on once the interruption has passed since obviously what I was saying in the first place was not important which also leads me to think that both my ideas and I am not important to be allowed to convey a thought.

Work (which is the most contact I have with people and "friends") is pretty much just going through the motions. Evaluation time is coming up. I'm not looking forward to that since last year I was told by my supervisor that she was told to subtract three points from my overall score from a higher boss because he wanted to "see me mature a little, but we think you do good work." (What sort of double talk is that?) He never had a talk with me about my behavior. I have told a few other people and their response has been pretty shock. I will need to look this up in company policy, but I think if there's a behavioral problem a boss is supposed to have some sort of talk before evaluations to talk about any concerns such as this. Never received any sort of talk about this supposed "behavior" or maturity issue. A couple of people have mentioned that they think he wanted a higher raise to go to someone else and my score would interfere with that.

It seems though when I have just something to look forward to I seem to be content. Unfortunately, once that is gone I return to this sadness state. I don't know what to do. A distraction or something to look forward to only seems like a temporary solution.

Sorry about the meandering rants.

Thank you to everyone who has read this,
Ryan