Hello, For about half my life (I am over 30), I've thought about ending my existence. I have the perception that if I were to not exist anymore there would be very few people that would even notice. I once talked to a close friend (a co-worker) about this, but his reply was that I am in control of my feelings. While I guess this is true for me, it basically closed off any door I have to open up to anyone I know. I get the impression that my friends who are in the area do not have any time for me (I understand they have family and other obligations, but if you plan something and they do not even have the courtesy to give me a call to cancel or reschedule--it is not a pleasant feeling, it almost feels like rejection to me or, perhaps, there is no respect). Today, the close friend mentioned that I should go out. Well, sure that is easy to say, but isn't the perception of someone alone in the corner of a crowded room/bar basically considered a loser? I do not do well in those situations. I do not drink alcohol that much as I do not like the taste. Though, I have thought that drinking might help me take my mind off my problems, but that is never a good idea. Going out alone isn't that much fun for me either. The close friend also mentioned that I should play sports. Well, again, I am not good or know how to play many sports. (I do not even know how to ride a bicycle.) I have no siblings. I never had any of the sibling rivalry that would teach me valuable lessons. Though, surprisingly, I do not think I ever had a problem sharing. I am finding it very tough to function. I dread the weekends as I have not had any interesting plans for a very long time. I just go to work and go through the motions of work. I am trying to just put on a smile to hide the pain. I feel that my "coping resources" have run out. I think I have ideas and perhaps a plan, BUT I also think this could be a plea for attention. I do not like feeling like this, and I feel like this around once a month, maybe more--over several days. I feel that my existence is not needed. I have the feeling that everyone I know would be better off if I were to have never existed. There are very few people (though, I think it is more along the lines of no one) who remembers my birthday, and I'm the type of person who is happy with a happy birthday e-mail. I usually will not mention my birthday since I know that I would never receive a the very least a happy birthday e-mail. So, it is usually easier for me to just have my birthday be a regular day--nothing special. The worst of it all is the company I work for will just send a card (through the mail) that says "Happy Birthday" with the company name stamped at the bottom. It wasn't signed by anyone, the owner doesn't even look at them. The owner doesn't even care since these cards come out of Virgina. (I guess they just send them out to make themselves feel better to make it seem that they care, but it actually makes me feel worse--another reminder.) Maybe I'm just one big cliche. It feels that I have used so many in this post. I apologize for any. Does anyone else have these feelings? If you do, how do you personally deal with these feelings? Thank you for taking the time to read this post.