sadly here again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by withoutexit, Dec 5, 2010.

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  1. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    i first signed in here at the end of april i believe,even if i'm not really sure!
    well,then i kinda got better. i mean,i stopped thinking about ending my own life and things like this. so i just tried to move on with my life. i'm just 20!
    but i still struggled a lot with my depression and eating disorder during the past months. you could say i actually never stopped!
    i lost about 20 more lbs and i'm still trying to lose more weight. this eating disorder is just like hell!
    i got into med school, which is basicly what i've always wanted to do since i was like 6!
    but this is not enough to help..
    i'm not studying at all,cause i simply can't focus on anything and i have exams in about a month. problem is that i don't even care that i won't be able to sit them! i just don't care about anything anymore,not even the only thing in the world that used to make me happy: wanting to be a doctor.
    i don't want to meet people,to talk with them,to go out. nothing!
    and my suicidal thoughts are back. which sucks.
    for those who don't know,i already tried to end my life when i was 18 and obviously failed. and now i think about it as much as i did just a few days before trying that time.
    i just don't want to live.
    that's it. i'm so tired and so depressed.
    and i know for sure that if i try again,this time i won't fail.

    well..don't really know what to do..
     
  2. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Wow, to get into Med school is impressive, well done :)
    You should get some extra help, i don't know if you are seeing a doctor atm? It will try to regulate these feelings a little bit.
    Sounds like you could really help people if you used to be that set on being a doctor,
    :hug:
     
  3. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    i am seeing a therapist, right now. i've recently changed,because the last one said she wasn't able to help me and just dumped me!
    so i found another one and i actually like her, but can't sort things out.
    i've been in treatment since this all started, 2 1/2 years ago, but i'm still struggling!
    i just don't get why i don't make any progress!
    so time just passes by while i feel crappy -.-
     
  4. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Yeah i've been in for over 2 years too now,
    are you on any meds or anything to help with the depressed mood?
    x
     
  5. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    no. i was for about a year or so, i was on antidepressant and meds for anxiety. a psychiatrist also gave me some sort of antipsychotic med which made me gain tons of weight and didnt help at all. so i stopped taking it and lost all the weight. and a few months later i also stopped taking the other 2 meds as they weren't of any help actually!
    but now i don't want to take anything, i don't really think it would help and i'm afraid of the possible weight gain,which may seem stupid but really i could freak out!
     
  6. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Ok thats fine, i just think that you really are not doing well either way . . .
    what med school are you at?
     
  7. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    yeah,you're right!
    well,i live in europe but not in an english-speaking country, so you wouldn't even know my med school :)
    i was so happy i got in, cause we have to sit an almost impossible test to get in and there are such a few places but a lot of people who want to study medicine. so it really is difficult!
    but i'm supposed to study now and i can't! i feel like i'm "stealing" a place to someone who would study and show commitment and just deserve it more!
    argh!
     
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Are you an over achiever? I ask because I don't know a lot about eating disorders but I seem to remember reading somewhere that it can affect people who are perfectionists and tend to over achieve.
    I also can't work out if you're suffering from depression because of the eating disorder or if it's a seperate issue completely. Do you know? Finding out would make a big difference in how you approach your healing options.
    I do think you need to go and see a PDoc and talk about options with medication. I was on a mix of meds which made me gain weight. (I don't care about my weight so it wasn't a problem for me). They didn't do me much good though, so now I'm on a combo where the side effect is that you lose weight. (Again, I don't really care)
    It may be that you've just not found the right combo yet or, because of the eating disorder, you need to look into natural therapies instead.
    One thing that you do need to accept is that getting better and then dipping again is part of the illness. The trick is to get things so that you have far more 'up' time and lots of coping strategies so that the 'down' time is short and you can cope with it.
    Sending lots of hugs,
    xxx
    xxxx
     
  9. withoutexit

    withoutexit Member

    yes,i'm an overachiever, i've always been! and i know i shouldn't be so strict with myself and should try to accept my limits and myself for who i am. and all this things. i know them,but i can't do it. i guess that's what therapy should also help me at.
    and i don't really know if my depression is just a consequence of my eating disorder of if it's the other way round or if they're just 2 separate things. i tried to figure it out a lot, but couldn't do it. but i do agree with you that it would help to know it.
    well,i still am skeptical about meds (which is almost fun,as i'm studying medicine!). i'd rather do without..


    thanks to both of you for your gentle words, though!
    xx
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are several things that come to mind: (1) check with your pdoc to see if the meds you are on are the most effective, (2) your therapist dumping you is a gift...anyone who does that does not deserve you, (3) as a Type A, you will have to learn to be satisfied with smaller increments of success, and take the time to appreciate yourself...the most important thing we can do is show compassion to ourselves, (4) find something to enjoy about what you are doing...it is wonderful you got in and no, you did not steal the placement from someone else, but take the time to enjoy...sounds oximoronic when one is feeling as you are, but I have found that the slightest thing, the color of the notebook, reminds me of that place in my heart/mind, which is often lost when I feel as you do, and (5) share with us...we are here and understand what you are going through...big hugs, J
     
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think this is the hardest part. Its very easy to say 'I have to be like xxxx' and a lot harder to do it. Like anything else it takes practise. You have to start with the little things and then build up to the big things. Eventually you get there but it takes time and practise, practise, practise.
    Try keeping a journal and log all the small successes. That way you have a record and can see your progress.


    Yep! Plus it should be helping you with coping strategies - like journal keeping. Ranting when you need to and having a safe space to rant in (like this forum)


    Therapy should be helping you with this one as well. You really need to try and get at the root of your issues so that you can work it out. You're not going to be able to do that alone because you won't be objective enough. Can you talk to your therapist and say that you'd like to look at this area?

    We'd all rather do without but that's not always possible. That can be a hard thing to accept especially for an over achiever. I can totally understand your skepticism. I've been put on meds that did me no good whatsoever and made me worse. I could have given up on them completely at that point but I didn't (didn't actually have a choice, it was more meds or suicide) and I've got a combo now which works or at least seems to be working.
    If you really don't want to do that route though, look into alternative meds and treatments.
    Stay strong, we're here if you need us. xxxx
     
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