How do you ask for help when the problems that beset you are entirely of your own making? How do you ask for forgiveness when you know that you don't deserve it? I feel that a smile and a joke is the least I can do to meet the expectations of those around me; what right do I have to tears when the reason for crying is of my own making? But what do you do when the tears won't be staunched anymore and you can't find a reason not to sleep forever? I have suffered depression before but have always known intellectually, if not emotionally, that the feelings of pointlessness and futility were based partially in delusions. This time, however, I genuinely have destroyed my life beyond any hope of repair and genuinely believe, emotionally and intellectually, that there can be no return. There isn't any medication that can assist with the problem this time; the problem is real and it isn't going away. I have little idea why I am even writing this when in a few weeks my thoughts or feelings on the matter will be no longer. There is no way back.