Sadly its all my own fault...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Freya, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    How do you ask for help when the problems that beset you are entirely of your own making? How do you ask for forgiveness when you know that you don't deserve it?
    I feel that a smile and a joke is the least I can do to meet the expectations of those around me; what right do I have to tears when the reason for crying is of my own making? But what do you do when the tears won't be staunched anymore and you can't find a reason not to sleep forever?
    I have suffered depression before but have always known intellectually, if not emotionally, that the feelings of pointlessness and futility were based partially in delusions. This time, however, I genuinely have destroyed my life beyond any hope of repair and genuinely believe, emotionally and intellectually, that there can be no return. There isn't any medication that can assist with the problem this time; the problem is real and it isn't going away.
    I have little idea why I am even writing this when in a few weeks my thoughts or feelings on the matter will be no longer. There is no way back.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression will make us think there is no way out but there always is
    talk to a councillor your doctor there is a way to heal and we all do things we are sorry for later it is human okay talk to someone get some help it is doable don't let depression fool you brain into thinking either wise help is out there ask okay
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    What happened, Freya?
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I fell in love. Sounds simple in itself - and disovering that the person you love has been lying to you is not a new story. Discovering that the person you love isn't actually 19 at all, but is 15 when she turns up in the class you are teaching however, makes you suddenly a criminal.
    Deciding to do the "right thing" and end it all becomes difficult when she tells you that she will kill herself if you leave and you believe her. So stupidly you stay...
    So naturally, and rightly, I am now going to prison. And the stupid thing? I still love her. I know that it's probably sick and wrong and all the rest, but I can't stop. She is 18 now.
    And I told my doctor seven months ago that I was suicidal and I am still awaiting some kind of referral.
  5. BP#1

    BP#1 Well-Known Member

    We all make mistakes or choices that may not have been best. This is the time you find out who your true friends are. Not the ones that look at you sideways. l feel this whole situation isn't a bad thing. l see the good in this. 16 isn't really that young and now stands by your side. Freya, You have time in your favor; Soon this will be over and another headline will bury this memory only the two of you will hold... Your good friend, Joseph...