Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Chickpea, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I'm so unhappy. I sit around all day long, so lazy and useless. I'm meant to be working on things for uni which starts again in a week, but all I can think about, obsessively, is suicide and food. All I do is sit around watching TV, reading about suicide, reading recipes, eating, and vomiting my food. I hate the way I'm living but I can't pull myself out of it. And I know that I should just get out of the house more, or just sit and read those stupid library books, but I don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm so unhappy and so lonely.

    I sit quietly and calmly but inside my head I'm screaming and I always imagine another 'me' who is shouting and crying and punching the walls and going insane. And all the while, I sit calmly, and if anyone else is in the room, I smile. But I really can't bear it, and I want to die. I want to cry but I can't and so I feel like I want other people to cry on my behalf. Not real people. Characters in books or films. I watch or read their despair and as they wail and cry out in desperation I do the same thing in my mind.

    But..... I'm terrified of doing it. One day I probably will kill myself and it is going to be horrible. Finally the 'me' inside my head will come out properly. I'm scared of the process of actually dying. And I'm full of guilt for what it would do to my family. I don't want them to be upset. But this is just too much! I wish I could be selfless and keep hanging on for the sake of everyone else but I can't carry on like this. I am horrible, selfish, and mean.

    I start with my new counsellor tomorrow and all I really want to do is just throw myself at her feet and cry my eyes out. I want her to know how much I want to die. But I will sit calmly in the chair - probably with a huge grin on my face, laughing. Then I'll skip out of there... "Thanks! Cya next week! :laugh::laugh::laugh:" .... get in my car, and CRY. :mellow:
  2. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Why is it always so hard to talk to the people that are trying to help us? I mean, in most cases we have no personal contact with them ,they're not relatives or anything, and we only see them when we're there in the office. But I do the same type of thing. Ack.
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    I have no idea... I think that is partly why I transferred to this new counsellor. I guess my old one felt I wasn't comfortable enough with her to 'go there'... into the bad feelings. Hopefully I can with this new one - she seems very sweet. That is if I live long enough to get anywhere with her.

    I might just ask her, to please please not let me laugh my way around things - when it is looking like I'm finding something tough, don't let me get away... like a fish on a line! Reel me in. Because if she doesn't... if I keep wriggling away... I'm going to die. Strangely opposite to the fish scenario. I know it is going to be hard but I know I need to face it. I'm jst dangerously close to dying right now. :huh:

    I don't even know what is wrong. I'm starting to think maybe I need meds along with counselling. Seeing as I'm getting so low now.... hmm.
  4. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member

    Sorry, need to vent again.

    I'm such a God damn annoying loser!

    I infuriate myself! :mad: