I feel so sad... There is just this inevitable spike in my brain chemistry. I have no answer to the question "What is wrong?". I have no more answers. I don't know what to do. All I want is for someone to love me as much as she did. I am tried of complaining. I am tired of crying. To be entirely honest, I am tired of everything. I am just tired, and I need to sleep. For a long time. I love you. Sometimes I think that absolutely no one understands what I feel. But others have lost their loved ones too. So why am i sruggling so much? Why do i care? Why cant i just move on? This isn't about recovery... I don't want recovery. I just want to not feel like this. I don't care how i get to that point, even if i die. Sometimes i think that no one feels like they really want to kill themselves... but then i realize that I am in a community full of them. Full of us. Us... we are a species, now... We move at a pace that is scaring me to death. I've always craved speed, be it on the back of a motorcycle or in a bit of powder, but never did i realize that the world could turn so fast as to actually begin to leave me behind. Never did i fathom a speed at which my own world would turn circles around me; i didn't realize it had that option. Nevertheless here i am, hair whipping at my cheeks as my life flies past me. I'd sprint to catch it if it weren't so disorienting-- In which direction is it going? Should i wait for it to come back to me? If i move now, will it never find me again? The real worry is that during this time that i should be trying to catch up, i'm merely trying to feel better. I'm struggling to feel well enough to even begin the chase, and i'm wasting time because of it. "I am a mouse in a wheel, running. Not oblivious to the fact that as I run I go no where". I think that is the most honest thing i have ever told myself.