i am filled with a profound sadness that has stained all aspects of life. I miss my sister so much... i never gave a shit about her before... i don't know why i am so sad. why am i so sad when i treated her like shit. now all of a sudden i want to take it back and tell her im sorry and that it'll be different- all for naught. why has her death affected me so much? when she was alive i was an ass, selfish, mean, and most of all cold. when my sis. passed i hadn't talked to her for a month. we lived in the same house and everything...both of us were taking our semster off from school and i was in the house with her for the majority of the day and still I never uttered a word. for some reason i felt like i had a vendetta against her. i knew she was going through a rough time, but still i gave her absolutely no slack... im so sorry i don't put all the blame on myself because what the hell was i suppose to do? i was so immature and i had a vendetta against my sister. i blame my parents and i try not too, but inside i feel a hatred- no a disgust- for them. I know they are going through a rough time too right now, but i am so disgusted with them. i just don't understand why they are so weak,... why couldn't they have been stronger and acted like some real fucking parents. why were they so weak? i was and still am just a kid how the fuck was i suppose to know what to do... now i am just a shell of myself. i honestly have no purpose. i have pushed away all of my friends and now i am lonely and it sucks i want to talk to someone so bad, but it is hard for me...i am not used to being like this. im not used to expressing my emotions to anyone. i want to say something, but i have no voice and i don't feel comfortable. i feel like a little girl... and an irrevocable sadness has filled my life. my face is of the dead now, devoid of life.