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Same $hit, different day

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, May 29, 2012.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Okay, so what are we at? A little over 10 weeks and at this moment its hurts more than ever. People make me feel like shit, a lazy bum. I'm trying, and I am aware most will never (thankfully) understand the situation or the feelings. But to expect me to be where I was a couple of years ago, as if nothing happened - give me a break. I am upset with so many people, saddened i suppose is the more correct term. Those who said they'd be there for me etc. But nope.... poof.... just disappeared. It shouldn't surprise me and I don't know why it bothers me. I suppose its just a reminder of business as usual. And there is that "poor me" syndrome right back. fabulous. I'm upset with myself. I wish I could improve, be someone going somewhere, at peace. I fear it unlikely at this point.

    I want something to take this pain away, please, please, please ...............................................
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Mo,

    Just stopping by and writing you to let you know we're listening, like always. Big hugs to you.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Yes, it hurts and most people will never understand unless it happens to them. Hurting worse than ever? There is a 1 page handout titled "What Loved Ones Can Expect when You Grieve" that says "I will be in sort of a fog for 3 months. When it lifts, I might get worse"
    One of the books I read suggests that the mourner goes into something similar to shock, to protect us. Weeks later, when it wears off, the pain changes and becomes more acute.
    Disappearing people? Yes, it goes back to them not understanding the wrenching pain that takes over your spirit. Most of them think, "Well, I took over a casserole and sent a card or a plant" and think that's all you require, because that's what they've always done and no one has told them different. Try to tell them you just need someone to sit with, and you'll probably get a blank stare. I did.

    Even family didn't understand, only a few of the aunts and uncles had lost their spouse, and most of them just gave a quicj hug at the funeral. Cousins of my generation had no concept. My sisters were close enough to see the wreckage, that this is a life that will never be the same. But friends, someone to sit quietly, or at the appropriate time share a remembrance of the one missing, not there.

    I don't have a solution, I'm sorry. If I had one, I would have used it myself.But there were nights when I would sit on the floor, pull my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth, screaming till I cried, then crying until I screamed again. I wondered what I had done, what we had done, to deserve this. And sometimes that was how I spent my nights. I wished I could vomit hard enough to take the pain with it. What I would have given just for someone to sit beside me with an arm across my shoulder, or to sit facing me and pull me tight against them, all the time knowing that the one that really counted would never be the one to comfort me again.

    You're a good person, and you don't deserve this, but you've been burdened with it anyway Go into survival mode, do whatever you need to exist through this day, and others like it. Listen to me - it does change, it will get different. I never believed it, but one day, I smiled, and I started to live again, that's it, just started
    If you like, I'll send a copy of the handout I quoted.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2012
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Well I suppose I'm more angry and upset with myself. Trying to project that onto others is my guess. I need to own what I failed to do for my soulmate. I won't even go into details because I'm pretty sure it would surprise many, anger more and whats the point opening myself up to more criticism? I know in my heart & soul what I didn't do, what I did and ultimately how I let my soulmate down. No more to be said, I need to own it all. I have lost the one person who understood me, loved me, accepted me, cherished me and who filled my soul. There will never be another. Ever. And for all of that, what did I do? I let her down. No ifs, ands or buts. Thats what I did. And I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    How much alcohol? How many pills? How many nuts? How deep for the blade? What's the magic combination? Do I? Can I? Is that what i want?
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Ditto Lefty!

    Mo guilt and blame are unfortunately a 'normal' part of the grief..
    please don't be too hard on yourself..you will work through this in time and perhaps forgive yourself down the track

  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    oh you just posted while I was posting..

    no you musn't make any rash decisions when you're in the throes of grief Mo..
    it's ok to think about it but please do not do it
    we lov ya here..we need you..:hug:
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ummm... not needed, not wanted, not missed, not anything. And I'm kind of okay with all of that. It is what it is. I can accept that both here and irl. No one is dependent on me anymore. I knew I would struggle once she was gone. Or perhaps struggle more or differently than before. I'm sad, like achingly sad. For having lost the "us" and for having had that change by the disease this past year. I would give anything to feel her arms around me, to hear her voice, to just be in her presence. Anything.
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know Mo...I really do understand :console: