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Same old, but worth the read

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Mar 26, 2010.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This is going to be a long read so those that dont like them, best open another thread now. For those that read it to the end, I truly am thankful and grateful.

    I want to say this before the thoughts take over again. Before I'm more confused than I already am. Before I lose what ME is still here.

    I know people are tired of me. My story that never changes. The events that seem to just keep coming. For what to many appears to be nothing more than attention seeking. To those that think I'm making much of this all up. You may never knew just how much I wish things werent the way they are or that I could be successful at an attempt. But nevertheless, I have made people tired of me. Just like many right now saw yet another thread started by me and moved on to another. Tired of seeing me around here.

    I dont really know what this thread is meant to be. An apology. An explanation. A good bye. Maybe all things just wrapped into one huge post, or rant if you will. All I know is I need to attempt at making this thread. Right this second it feels all consuming. Just as consuming as the thoughts and urges are once again starting to be.

    I hate me right now. I hate who I let others turn me into. That I allowed others to let me publicly get angry. I dont get angry. I am terrified of being angry at others. So scared of being hurt or abandoned for trying to say what upsets me. But it happened. I cant take it back. So I will say sorry for being angry.

    I dont reach out asking for help often. I dont know how to. Even when I'm swallowing the p*lls or cutting my wr*ists and feeling life slip away I cant just say the words "help me!" I'm scared of being helped. I think people will judge me or think poorly of me if I do. That it will show just how weak I really am. How I cant really do-it-all like I let and make others believe. And over the years I have been well taught that I dont deserve help. That I might just very well be taking it away from someone who deserves it. And I would hate to know I did that, so I dont ask. That is why I try so hard to help others at any time, for however long and at all kinds of risks to myself. If I help others I'm too busy to ask for myself.

    There is so much that has happened and I try to get others to advise me on it. But I dont know how to do that very well either. So many people tell me I need to tell them more. Reveal more details. But as tired as you are all from reading it, so am I for telling it anymore. There is almost an entire lifetime written out in this forum in my threads, posts and diary entries. In the words that I have offered others. Yet I never seem to be able to "explain" myself well enough for others. So they get frustrated and walk away. Leaving me feeling confused, abandoned and not expressive enough for their help.

    And in the rare instance that I do, what I fear most happens. I hurt someone else or end up having to defend my words, my feelings, and above all else... me. But there are many times when I have tried and tried to reach out to those that said they would be there when I need them. And they arent. So things build and build. The pain gets worse. I keep trying to "talk" to these people and get it out before it is too much to hold. Then the point comes when it just snaps me wide open. I cant keep it shoved in the safe place I keep it locked in. I feel badly for that. I feel badly that my pain causes others pain. And that I have to keep it locked in, to that point. That others that say I'm here, arent. So guess I'm trying ( wow this is foreign to me) to say, I will not take the whole blame for when that happens. I'm guilty, but so are others. But Im taking the opportunity to stand up and face it. Own it. So it hurts that others dont want to believe my words when I say them. Or try to tell me to take the full blame. Because I always do. Or to give the one hurting me chances over and over. Or to not point fingers. To let the guilty person yet again get away with hurting me. Last night all those things finally exploding. Always having to be the one that takes it all, sucks it all up, lock it all away again, be the good guy again. Not reveal the bad treatment to others, because it will anger the people doing it to have the secret out. Just like when the physical and sexual abuse was happening. Hiding it to everyone elses eyes. But when I couldnt take it anymore, I tried to find help, I was hurt for it and paid the price for angering the other. And even worse than the abuse was having people doubt me that it was happening. Because they couldnt or wouldnt believe the person was capable of such things. To have those I helped tell me they will decide when they want to talk or help me. And then walk away. Leaving me hanging and trying to find all the reasons that I could of done to make things turn out so wrong. To make me out to be in the wrong when Im not. And others trying to make other people feel badly for actually trying to help me when I break down enough to actually ask. And I despise myself for all the guilt I feel now. Because I tried to reach out. I take it if it's mine or not. Only half or whole. And too many people know that and abuse me with it.

    I cant keep trying to protect the very people that hurt me. I tried to do that and it completely backfired. In a frantic state I tried to find help. It ended up being more hurt. Because I finally couldnt keep up the facade, I got hurt.

    I cant keep asking for help when I cant know how to make it work for me. I cant keep letting people think that I'm just not trying. That I'm being deceitful asking for help Im not willing to try. Keep fighting thoughts and urges to only fall to them anyhow. To keep living in a world that I just dont fit into.

    People honestly believe that this is where and who I want to be. It's not!!!! But too many years of fighting to find another path, and always ending back on the old one and further back than where I left it to boot!! Always ending up alone. But I cant find the strength or energy to try it again. Others are more than willing to help me down the suicidal path but even they disappear when I arrive there.

    I"m tired. So so tired. Of the hurt, the lies, the people just walking away like I'm nothing, the words to encourage me to try and when I do people getting angry with me, always helping and helping but finding empty space when I try to find a little help for me, of people telling how wrong I am and they do the exact same things. But I'm wrong and they arent. I'm tired.

    There are some people from here that have lasted it out with me. So I am so grateful but yet so sorry to have wasted your time and efforts Acy, Violet, Clockwork Reality, suzy, bluegrey. And to all the others that kept trying with your posts and kind words. I'm sorry to have let everyone down. And I'm sorry to those that are reading this and feel I've forgotten you. I havent in my head and heart. Only in recall right now.

    I feel like a river. You cant change the way the current runs. Just like after all the trying, you, I, cant change me. I've disappointed many, including myself. Some people can live with that. I cant. I hate me. I cant live with that. I hurt others. I cant live with that. I am at the point of just cant anymore.

    I think it's time I leave. No more worrying posts, or posts to aggreivate others, or to have some feel like shouting "oh do it right already"!!! Like the visit from the inlaws, I've overstayed my welcome here and in life. To all that know I truly mean it and not being a hypocrite..... please find your sunny path, move forward and above everything else, be safe.

    You have now arrived with me, at the end. Thanks for reading it. :arms:
  2. foreverYoung180

    foreverYoung180 Well-Known Member

    im not tired of you. it does take courage to ask for help...it took me five years to even mention that i was depressed/suicidal to anyone. bottling your emotions up will just make them explode at any given moment. i know you are tired and weary...

    I definitely know how it feels when you feel like you are burdening others with your emotions, thoughts, and feelings. But i can't see how anyone on this forum would think that you are burdening them or making any of this up. and definitely no one thinks.."oh do it already"!!! If there are some people like that, then they should be ashamed of themselves. This should be a place of comfort, hope, and encouragement to people. Not a place to cause them to feel like they are a bother. Please, don't go...stay and talk. im new here, but ive read a lot of your posts and some were quite insightful. i can see that youve probably helped so many here. So, please stay won't you?
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ha and now after all this soul searching and revealing about me because of a thread, it's over nothing cuz it doesnt exist anymroe. just like me.


    not mine alone to take but thas how it ends up. we conme in alone we leave alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2010
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    All I see you as is a precious jewel on this forum, your advice always stands out from the others because you're a woman of wise words. I find it hard to imagine anyone would want you gone, out. I doubt anyone is tired of reading your posts. I think it's more a case of, very few people know how to come to your aid, and you'll find you're not the only one, a large chunk of members experience this, it's inevitable with the complexity of certain issues.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your words are so revealing so intelligent so compassion so insightful I don't ever want you to go. I never grow board of you intelligence your thougtful responses. i am not well either but i know kindness when i see it you are kind
    There may be one or two here that upset your balance but there are hundreds that love and accept you but you only see the few carla that hurt you. Try seeing the others that truly care.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :sad: :blub: :blub: :blub: :blub: :console: :hug:
    I read it all Carla...don't go ...if someone upset you tell the mods...
    I believe how you feel is real...HUgs
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    so many things in last 48 hours hapened that i neer thought could. now the tears are starting again. didnt think there were any left. so wromg.
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    clsoe please
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