Same old crap continues to block setps down the road to recovery.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Nov 1, 2013.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Things have been on there way downhill for me sense I entered elementary school. Thanks to encountering some of the most evil people ever to set foot on this earth I was robbed of a proper chance to develop.

    Fast forward to adulthood... After high school I tried and failed the college thing. Stress there, despite not taking a full load of classes is what first brought me to this place what feels like an eternity ago. Only job I have been able to get is for family and it is a constant trigger. I am being pushed into a role that I have no aptitude for in one area, and the rest is just mind numbing grunt work. My boss/relative loves me like a 3-6 year old child... but has no respect for my opinions on anything, or me as an adult. I am constantly under emotional distress by this... I hate this job and how it is a daily fucking reminder of everything I have failed.

    Problem is I can't change anything unless work just stops for about 3 months. Despite countless anxiety attacks (real recent start so it isn't some chemical thing... it is a lifetime of being kicked and worn down and above all else failure) I managed to go out and enjoy a night. I needed to do something fun on the holiday, and I needed to escape the constant self hatred put upon me by this fucking job, and the lack of future it offers. I had hoped I could get up today, visit other family hen spend the afternoon trying to find another job... instead I get up and instantly get told about a work assignment I need to do.

    So... after I do this, and deal with the relative who loves me but does not respect me for a few hours I am going to be beaten and battling anxiety attacks. No way I can even consider looking for work after that. It is a stressful enough task in this damned economy when you live a great successful life... when rejection has been 1,000,000,000x more common than acceptance... the whole "no we aren't hireing" or "apply online so your shit resume gets filtered without us needing to pay someone to give it a 5 second scan", or "do you have experience" set off ever trigger that came from childhood rejections to this day. I need to have a clear mind to deal with it... but I can't be clear when I am holding so much shit in.

    I can't talk to this relative... he doesn't listen to anything I say. The rest of my family is extremely successful and does not get what it is like to have a set of genetics that damns me to failure.

    I can't deal with this for much longer. I have no independence, no self respect, no confidence... and it is to the point where working in the yard is a trigger of an anxiety attack minimum and suicidal feelings maximum. I am sick of this cycle... do something to clam me down so I can work on fixing life the next day just for the same old shit to be forced up my priority list.

    Making matters worse is a few things on the calendar that could send my life into a further low point.... and what used to be my favorite time of the year is no longer able to bring me the temporary happiness...

    I can't deal with current shit while at the same time trying to build something...
  2. dobispr88

    dobispr88 Member

    I can never handle a full load of classes. But i still try. even if it's just 8 hours per semester. what are your considerations for school? without a degree, we're probably doomed to do mundane work. I fear doing brainless, low end work for the rest of my life. That's my motivation for school. I wouldn't worry about feeling behind either. I'm not doing so hot and there sure are plenty of others who aren't either
  3. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Hi Guy9........i am sorry you feel so much stress over work. Work is such an overall control, and self image manipulator. It must be horrible for you. I am sorry. I do understand. I imagine most people understand how very overwhelming work issues can be. Today so many are completely without anything or anyone in that area.

    I do not know if this might help you. It is my method of adapting to situations which I cannot deal with and which I can not change. When anything upsets me beyond my capability, I repeat to myself, " Learn to love it , and it will go away." Seems so simple to me when I say it to others. And that is not often, believe me. But I do know that it is also very difficult to do.

    I hope that you will be able to find a way to deal with your tormentor, the work issue. Even though it may remain, it might be easier to tolerate , if you accept it , in some manner.

    Sending healing thoughts and affection,
    Always, Sadcat
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