Same old story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlackswordSteve, Dec 6, 2012.

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  1. Well, this is probably the 5th time I've posted on a site like this. I've come to realize that after you tell them the same "I'm depressed and feel like ranting" story after awhile, people stop listening. But, since I'm new to this forum, I guess I'll give my little spiel anyway.

    First off, yes, I'm just another youngster here (19) who really doesn't have a life bad enough to justify suicide. I've been living with relatives for about a year now with little to no expenses, and have only just found a job a few months ago. I only work three days a week, am in a relationship with somebody who really cares about me, have very little responsibilities in my life, and yet here I am again. The sheer fact that I have all of these good things in my life and yet I'm considering suicide just seems to make it worse.

    My life feels so....empty. I have no motivation for living other than fear (of hurting those around me if I went through with suicide, of what would happen if I gave up and quit my job, etc.). I'm having a really hard time trying to find meaning in life, having lost faith in religion awhile ago, but also in having trouble believing the concept of "making my own meaning". I keep feeling that there is no "human spirit" or "love", and instead that those are just false concepts that we cling to to sleep better at night. On a related note, my doctor recently upped my depression medication. She had told me that the increase in dosage may actually make the depression worse, and cause more suicidal thoughts. That's exactly what I'm experiencing, which made me think.....Is all I am just coming from chemicals in a bottle? It makes me very sad to think that the only reason I would be thinking these things right now is because of a pill.

    To sum it all up, I have little faith in life and fail constantly in trying to achieve personal goals. I look towards the future in misery, and wish I could just end it without any strings attached.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the site!

    I really hope that, if you're having a side effect from the increased med, it's a temporary one. I know they can come with some pretty tough side effects, and hopefully that one doesn't last.

    Is there anything you can think of in life that you could do that would make you feel more alive, give you a feeling of meaning and purpose? Sometimes it takes finding that specific thing and then working toward it, trying to achieve it.
     
  3. There is. Well, sort of. But its kind of irrelevant because 1. I rarely am able to follow through with any of it anyway because of my self-defeating tendencies and 2. I wouldn't want to consider a hobby as my meaning in life...I feel that it would just be a distraction from the larger problem that there might not be any meaning in life at all.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    A hobby wouldn't have to be your sole meaning in life, but it would be a starting point, something for you to build on.
     
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