same ole same ole

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Toronto101, Mar 9, 2015.

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  1. Toronto101

    Toronto101 New Member

    hello my name is art.
    unsure how i found this, was typing in <mod edit - methods>
    but i will give it a try.
    i suffer from high anxiety and panic disorders like some i read here. i will go somewhere and have to rush back home before i feel like i am gonna have a heart attack,
    i cant drive, never had a license, reason is i chose not too, so i wont have one while driving and hurt someone else.
    Borderline personality disorder is what i suffer from aswell.
    i have a good friend i really love. and i feel like i am losing them to another, which may be in my head, and when i get this way, i tend to cut myself and it feels better for a short temporary time.
    i cant sleep anymore, and i dont have anyone to talk too.
    i feel like i am alone in this dark small room of mine, while life passes me by.
    44 year old male, and i never been normal since a child.
    i cant stand rejection and stay away from people because i am scared to get close, then get hurt afterwards and go back into this self harm cycle,
    i keep thinking of getting my blades out but i havent yet.
    its been years since i ever hurt myself, and i thought i was over it, but i realised its only because i been so-called happier than usual.
    but now that i am back into thinking i am losing a person i really do love. and i am right back into my depression once more. i am on cypralex but it dont help at all.
    i tried cyriquil or however u spell it, but it gave me panic attacks.
    lonelyness is a killer.
    i do not know what else to say. but temptation has me siding with hurting myself again. like a drug calling me. i must be sick.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2015
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Welcome to SF. I am sorry to hear you have been struggling so much; I understand the pain involved in feeling like you are losing someone important to you. I think you know, though, that cutting isn't the answer. It doesn't really help at all - certainly not in any practical sense in avoiding a difficult situation and also not really to feel better as the inevitable result is that the pain is still there, just also then you beat yourself up about self harming again.

    If your medication isn't helping, go back to your doctor. There are literally dozens of drug combinations and it is about finding something that works for you. Doctors can't help if you don't properly communicate with them though.

    Take care and stay safe :hug:
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Art.

    Welcome to the forums. Try not to go down the self harm route, it isn't worth it and in the long term will make you feel worse about yourself. I am a fellow sufferer of borderline personality disorder. What symptoms do you find the worst? I used to find the impulsiveness the worst trait.

    Keep talking to us here, we might be able to help and support you through this very difficult time. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

  4. Toronto101

    Toronto101 New Member

    relationships are the worst.
    mix if anger and hurt is unbearable at times, i cant get it off of my mind. as soon as i wake that feeling of gut wrench is in me, yet i havenet lost the person yet, but i feel like its gonna happen.
    i keep thinking of the good times, and i miss it very much. i hope this is all in my mind.
    my habit is to destroy the relationship before they detroy it first, so i can feel a sense of power .
    dunno if my anxiety issues are related to my BPD.
    i will go to my doctor and tell them i need new meds. do u mean my family doctor?
    also i am a binger , i can get hooked easily, i have overdosed before on <mod edit - methods>, and was in a two week coma for it. so i am kind of afraid to get more powerful pills.
    self harm is the main thing i do in my bdp.
    atleast i am still here for another day.
    i wish i could have a magic pill to erase memory.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2015
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