so im working on it, but fighting this every day, knowing there is no end in sight is driving me mad. The only time i seem to find drive is if i set a date to put an end to it myself,,,, what the fuck is wrong with me, its like ive got this pathetic stance of just letting things roll as they are, theres no fight left in me, i just want to curl up or run away,,, enthusiasm for everything has just gone,, cant find it in me to do fuck all. everyday im fighting the comfort of the thought that if i just had enough balls i wouldnt have to look at any of it ever again. I want to fight the crap, but its been years of fighting it and ive got nowhere,, literally nowhere. what dream i dared to have has long since been ripped from beneath me,, and I cant find space in my heart to let another one in. i thought about it last night, strange enough its like the second i feel slightly good about something theres always that fucking mess just waiting around the corner to grab me. was listening to 'positive' songs, then abba - i have a dream- and it made me wonder where my dreams had gone and for a split second i thought about it and the shit came flooding in and now i cant stop ripping myself to shreds again.