Sans Deus

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aeterna, Jul 17, 2009.

  1. Aeterna

    Aeterna Account Closed

    I'm tired of playing the optimist.

    I can't keep up a facade of smiling when the entire world around me drains every bit of happiness I have.

    I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness to appease my dad. He abandoned me when I was six, and now he expects me to immediately forgive him and be a good employee for his company. Yet, at every turn he continues to abandon me whenever it serves his own self-interest. When given the opportunity to help his son move in to his first apartment, he instead works on furthering his political agenda. He ignored me for two weeks when I tried to get my American license transferred over to a Canadian license, then bitched at me because I didn't have a license and therefore couldn't run errands for him. He wouldn't put a fucking cable between his room and mine, so I could talk to my friends, instead insisting "it would make a mess of the house". Apparently his house being clean is more important than having contact with the few people I could call friends.

    I'm even more tired of him bitching at me because I want a bit of freedom. Whenever I want to get away from work, he guilt trips me in to working even more overtime. Whenever he drives me to the edge, and I lash out, he becomes depressed and I end up having to console him. The next time he tells me, 'I need you here to run the business", I'm going to tell him. "And I needed you for a father. Guess what? You weren't there for almost two decades."

    Why should I give a shit about his happiness when he clearly doesn't care about mine

    I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness to appease my coworker. I do three to four times as much work as my coworker does, I bring in four to five times as much profit to the company as my coworker does, and yet I get paid half of what he gets. Combine that with the fact that I don't get nearly the same benefits he does, nor do I barely get the same compensations, and you can see why I'd be pissed off at him. My boss/father's only excuse? "I can't pay you what you deserve". Bullshit, you can fire that prick and pay me what I deserve.

    He blares pop at full volume during work hours, annoying the shit out of me, and then gets mad at me whenever I turn the volume down. He will violently go after me and yell at me, but whenever I turn around and insult him, he plays the victim.

    I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness to appease my step-mom. She's an ungrateful bitch, who constantly puts my father and I at odds, intentionally. She forced me out of the only home I had when I moved to Canada, and seperated my dad and I before we could really know each other. She constantly berates me, complains about how I act, and yelled at me for not coming to her beck and call. She even refers to me as a fucking dog, because I'm sub-human in her eyes. Yet, I can't speak a word of ill towards her. Oh no, my dad "loves her too much" to let me come between them.

    I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness to appease my job. I understand computers on the level of a professional, and yet I'm stuck doing menial tasks that should be given to freshmen who know fuck-all about what they're doing. My job refuses to help me become trained so I can progress, yet expects me to work 50 hours a week for pay that's pretty much less than minimum wage. Then my boss/father wonders why I come to work drained, when I've got less than 36 hours of rest between workweeks.

    If it wasn't for me, I highly doubt the company would have survived the past few months. Whenever the company needed me, I was always there to support it and the workers in it. Yet whenever I need the company, it leaves me, just like my fucking father.

    I'm sick of living in a small town that I didn't want to move to in the first place, I'm sick of being seperated from what few friends I had before I moved, I'm sick of working in a job that doesn't give me credit for what I do, I'm sick fo putting up with other people's shit when they won't help me with mine, I'm sick of being forced to be altruistic when in reality all I'm doing is amusing parasites, and I'm sick of living in general.

    I'm even more sick of people insisting that I should just put up with this. "Be grateful you have a job", "Be grateful that you have a father", "Be grateful you're alive", they say. You know what? Fuck that. I don't have a job, I have a basic means of survival. I don't have a father, I have some asshole who thinks I'm a tool to be used and wantonly disposed of. I don't have a life, I just go on, day-to-day, existing without meaning.

    Fuck optimism, they can all burn for all I care. I gave up graduation, my family, my friends, and a thousand other things just to make a few people happy, and they don't return anything.
  2. pandamonium

    pandamonium Well-Known Member

    Aeterna :hug: :hug: :hug:

    How would you feel about moving back to America? I know it would be a huge deal considering you just moved to Canada. You just seemed a little more happy there. I don't really know what else you can do about your family. I am sorry that they treat you like this.

    :wub: you