Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Lexicon, Oct 29, 2010.

  1. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    My beautiful, wonderful girl. My best friend, my three-times almost-love, my everything I could ever dream of. Do you know it's been nearly a year now? Do you remember that Halloween was the first night that we ever became anything closer than friends, when I discovered how much you loved me and began to get some conception of how much I loved you, even then. Sometimes I wonder if you can see this, if you read this and see this and think of us, of Lex and Jen, of everything that happened.

    I loved you, and I was too scared to say. My sexuality scared me too much, and I was never able to turn around and just tell you that you were, that you ARE, my world. Never could go the step further, to move beyond kisses in practice rooms.

    I wish you'd stayed. I wish you'd tried a little longer. Things needn't have been the way they were, I would have stayed, I would have listened. I love you my wonderful girl, I always have and did and will. Halloween will never be the same for me with these memories, every waking thought taking me back to you and you and you and you and I could never tell you how much it hurts.

    I will never be able to express how much I love you, how much I miss you, how impossibly sorry I am. Come back Sarah, catch me when I'm falling again and I'll catch you. I'm so lonely without you. Losing you tore a hole in me like nothing I ever thought I would feel and there's nobody there any more, nobody there to stop the horrific fall into this pain and horror that I'm in now. And I don't blame you, I never would blame you for everything that's happened to me, and I always thought you would be what kept me here and you weren't, I just want to be with you.

    You are my world. I miss you with every breath, until the day I join you I will miss you and i should have said so often, again and again and a bloody gain, that I LOVE YOU. I can't stop crying. Sobbing. Every thought of you makes me cry and scream and destroy anybody who tells me what you did was wrong or stupid. You weren't stupid, you were wrong. You were wrong to leave me my beautiful girl, you couldn't leave me on my own like you did.

    Everybody on this forum - you will never know how much I loved Sarah. She was bright and beautiful and perfect. She was witty, she was so clever, bitterly sarcastic, acerbic, childish, depressed, hyperactive, black hair falling down her back smelling beautiful, her brown, almond, heavily-lidded eyes... I was resolutely straight until I met you, and I realised what it was to love somebody just for who they were, regardless of anybody or anything.

    I will think of you every day, I will never forget, I will love you forever. My world, my love, and more than anything, the best friend I have ever ever had, and probably ever willl.

    All my love. Forever and ever.

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Oh Lex...this is heartbreaking, but I hope you will find it in your soul to allow yourself to will not be going against her, in fact, I am sure she would want it that way...until then, let us be there for you as you are cared for here...big hugs, J
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your darling Sarah...I can hear how much pain you're in.
    please keep talking about her if it helps....*hug*
  4. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for replying.

    I don't really know how I feel. I know I never let myself mourn her properly. Nobody ever knew how close we were, I didn't get the chance to just let myself grieve. I wish I knew what she wanted, I wish I could understand why, I wish she'd fought longer, even by a few hours. I wish a lot of things, but so many of those things are her. She knew about my eating disorder, and she had bpd/depression herself, and she just understood and never judged and loved me, just me, as I was.

    I want to be with her, and I can't help feeling that actually, that's exactly what she wanted. She wanted me to understand that she couldn't live without me, and make me realise that I couldn't live without her. It's my fault, and that's oddly something I've come to terms with on many levels - if I hadn't done what I did, said and done everything I did, she would still be here. While we were together she talked to me, we pulled each other away from the edge and then she just stopped fighting, and I did that, I directly caused that.

    I just miss her so much.
  5. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    And also, I've never, EVER spoken about her before. I don't mention her in other posts on this site, not to my therapist, not anywhere. I expect that's a bad idea. It's why I'm finally posting here. Just so I can have somewhere to tell people who won't judge me or hate me that I loved somebody and I lost her and it was my fault. And I hope you don't think badly of me for it, and if you do, I can only say sorry.

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorryyou lost Sarah I am sure she would want you to move on and not blame yourself I am sorry for your sadness and i hope you know no one would judge you you did good posting here i hope you continue to let that sadness out.
  7. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    lex my friend i know where you are coming from her,sarah sounded a very sweet kind person and so do you
    dont let this destroy you because it will if you let it
    if people want to judge you,there not people worth worrying about
    its great you found the strength to post about sarah itll now be easier to talk about her to anyone or everyone .
  8. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Hiya guys.

    Thank you for your responses - violet, I'm beginning to see that nobody is judging me here. And Andi, you're probably right that those people aren't worth my time - it's just, today for example. A very special day for both of us, and I can't even try to mourn and remember today because nobody would understand. I don't want it to destroy me. Nearly two months now, and I'm still here. I'd say "she wouldn't have wanted", but I don't know. I never knew what she wanted or didn't, she had her moments of being kind and sweet and brilliant, but y'know, she was also human and without that she wouldn't have been so fantastic.

    Thanks for listening. Lex.

    And Happy Halloween, Sarah. Thinking of you.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you go out tonight and celebrate lex okay for you and for Sarah :hugtackles:
  10. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Thank you Violet. I had a small celebration just on my own, but it has triggered me badly over the last few days >.<
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are feeling so low the sadness will ease up bit gradually i know it takes time but glad you can come here and talk us okay. take care.
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Lex if it's only been 12 months it's still so fresh for you...grief takes time and the only way is through it...
    there are a few of us here who have lost a loved one to suicide and we understand your pain and grief...
    I'm glad you are able to open up and talk about Sarah and I hope you continue to share with us.....
    I wonder if you're staying in touch with your doctor who may be able to help?
  13. melosine

    melosine Active Member

    I am so sorry for your lost. Your words are so touching and meaningful. She will be in my prayers.
  14. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys. It means a lot. IV - it's an anniversary of our relationship, not of her death. Her death is three months this Friday. I know I need to pick myself up before then. I always knew this time would be hard. I just didn't expect it this badly. I have got a doctor who's been able to talk to me because my eating disorder (which I've had for far longer than I even knew Sarah) and he's been very supportive recently because things have gone downhill :(

    Thanks everybody for your support.

  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  16. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good book... and you're right, I'm finally getting past the nausea and shock of what happened and moving into the acceptance that it's happened, that she's not suddenly going to call me up and everything is going to be ok after all. Thank you so much for the help, it means so much. Lex
  17. loopy

    loopy Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to send you a bih hug. Makes my heartache pale into comparrison (think that is right phrase).
    Be kind to yourself xxx
  18. The Thanatos

    The Thanatos New Member

    This is such a sad story. Two people falling into a pit, catching each other. It's a very special thing when you can catch someone else in your arms and they catch you as well. Typical psychiatric knowledge says we can't rescue anyone. I think people can be rescued in different ways that impacts the rest of their lives for the better. Maybe a person cannot be cured of depression or a mental disorder from being rescued by someone, but they can feel something that is of great importance in their lives & impact another's life in the same way. In the end, would you rather die alone and sane or insane but knowing that you will be loved by someone that you cherished for eternity?

    May I ask why you hesitated to tell her your true feelings?
  19. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just sending my caring and wondering how you are doing...J
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member