My beautiful, wonderful girl. My best friend, my three-times almost-love, my everything I could ever dream of. Do you know it's been nearly a year now? Do you remember that Halloween was the first night that we ever became anything closer than friends, when I discovered how much you loved me and began to get some conception of how much I loved you, even then. Sometimes I wonder if you can see this, if you read this and see this and think of us, of Lex and Jen, of everything that happened. I loved you, and I was too scared to say. My sexuality scared me too much, and I was never able to turn around and just tell you that you were, that you ARE, my world. Never could go the step further, to move beyond kisses in practice rooms. I wish you'd stayed. I wish you'd tried a little longer. Things needn't have been the way they were, I would have stayed, I would have listened. I love you my wonderful girl, I always have and did and will. Halloween will never be the same for me with these memories, every waking thought taking me back to you and you and you and you and I could never tell you how much it hurts. I will never be able to express how much I love you, how much I miss you, how impossibly sorry I am. Come back Sarah, catch me when I'm falling again and I'll catch you. I'm so lonely without you. Losing you tore a hole in me like nothing I ever thought I would feel and there's nobody there any more, nobody there to stop the horrific fall into this pain and horror that I'm in now. And I don't blame you, I never would blame you for everything that's happened to me, and I always thought you would be what kept me here and you weren't, I just want to be with you. You are my world. I miss you with every breath, until the day I join you I will miss you and i should have said so often, again and again and a bloody gain, that I LOVE YOU. I can't stop crying. Sobbing. Every thought of you makes me cry and scream and destroy anybody who tells me what you did was wrong or stupid. You weren't stupid, you were wrong. You were wrong to leave me my beautiful girl, you couldn't leave me on my own like you did. Everybody on this forum - you will never know how much I loved Sarah. She was bright and beautiful and perfect. She was witty, she was so clever, bitterly sarcastic, acerbic, childish, depressed, hyperactive, black hair falling down her back smelling beautiful, her brown, almond, heavily-lidded eyes... I was resolutely straight until I met you, and I realised what it was to love somebody just for who they were, regardless of anybody or anything. I will think of you every day, I will never forget, I will love you forever. My world, my love, and more than anything, the best friend I have ever ever had, and probably ever willl. All my love. Forever and ever. Lex.