Hiya.
The anniversary of her death was last week. It's been a bit of an emotional nightmare, but I'm coming out the other side. I finally managed to talk to my parents about just how much she meant to me, and I don't quite know if they understood fully but I was able to actually mourn her properly over the weekend.
Thanatos - there seemed so many reasons at the time for not talking to her about it properly. Mainly just the sexuality issue. I had firmly in my head that I was straight, and dating her would be admitting I wasn't, admitting I was ok with defying convention. I will never stopped being ashamed of that fear. I was also scared of being with her, and somehow hurting her - a laughable matter given that she's now dead.
Saying that actually makes me feel sick.
Also, you're right. I couldn't save her from her depression and bpd, and she couldn't save me from my eating disorder and depression. But god, for a few wonderful months things were just a little bit better. They weren't perfect and they didn't go away, but every time shit hit the fan there was somebody there who loved me ceaselessly. And I loved her. She called me up crying and I did the same and it was ok, we both understood one another and was always there, and I only realise now that a true relationship is just that - not just "sexuality" or "personality" but two people who depend and love each other and are there any time of day or night and nothing else really matters.
Sadeyes, loopy and IV2010 - thanks for your support. It means so much to me. I'll talk to you guys soon.
Lex.
The anniversary of her death was last week. It's been a bit of an emotional nightmare, but I'm coming out the other side. I finally managed to talk to my parents about just how much she meant to me, and I don't quite know if they understood fully but I was able to actually mourn her properly over the weekend.
Thanatos - there seemed so many reasons at the time for not talking to her about it properly. Mainly just the sexuality issue. I had firmly in my head that I was straight, and dating her would be admitting I wasn't, admitting I was ok with defying convention. I will never stopped being ashamed of that fear. I was also scared of being with her, and somehow hurting her - a laughable matter given that she's now dead.
Saying that actually makes me feel sick.
Also, you're right. I couldn't save her from her depression and bpd, and she couldn't save me from my eating disorder and depression. But god, for a few wonderful months things were just a little bit better. They weren't perfect and they didn't go away, but every time shit hit the fan there was somebody there who loved me ceaselessly. And I loved her. She called me up crying and I did the same and it was ok, we both understood one another and was always there, and I only realise now that a true relationship is just that - not just "sexuality" or "personality" but two people who depend and love each other and are there any time of day or night and nothing else really matters.
Sadeyes, loopy and IV2010 - thanks for your support. It means so much to me. I'll talk to you guys soon.
Lex.