Saturday night - leaving home

[Megazoid]

Hello Everyone,

Some people who post on other suicide forums might know my story, other's may not.

I am dealing with a very difficult health condition where my immune system is attacking itself. The underlying cause is related to a hormonal inbalance that in turn caused thyroid disease. My brain, thyroid and testicles are not doing their job and i have made the decision (after some careful consideration) to end my own life. Saturday night in the past used to be a time of great fun, joy and happiness for me. I would go out with friends, relax, dance and maybe even hook up with some girl's. Four months ago my life changed forever due to an accidental injury.

My father is not fully responsible for this injury, but i find it difficult to remove the blame and bitterness because of the severity of what he has caused me to suffer. I can't live holding this pain and bitterness any longer, everyday my condition get's worse and worse. No doctor's can help me at this stage because the condition has became so complex and difficult to treat.

I have been off all medication for about two week's now, simply because it gave me no benefit. I am not sure if i feel better or worse. I got a blood test done on monday morning which should allow me to see the status of my condition. Not that i care what they are because i still don't feel "right".

I got a little emotional today and started thinking about the suicide route again (it's played on my mind for the past 13 weeks). I started writing my notes to everyone i love. As part of my work this week i have been contacting people on the internet and offering them help, support and advice with whatever they are dealing with. I have managed to help about 14 people this far get a better outlook on life and gain a little bit of hope in their own lives. This is something i have been doing all my life, it became my main life goal. I will continue this when i reach the other side.

Regarding myself, the past three months have been nothing but bad memories and negative experiences and i feel i have lost everything i once wanted or enjoyed. Good memories are being washed over by bad ones. At the start doctor's for week's told me this was all in my head, however as they sat saying this, my condition was slowing getting worse and worse. I ended up bed bound and couldn't move my leg's or back. My head hurt and i had terrible rashes and cut's all over my body. I was flushing every 15 minutes and felt terrible in general.

The testosterone injection treatment didn't work for me. I am getting told by doctor's not todo any form of testosterone treatment due to my age and just "live" with feeling terrible all the time. The problem is i don't have any alternative treatment options because i can't afford to see any other doctor's and don't want to self adminstrate medication. I really hate everything about this whole situation.

My usual friday night was getting 'done' up and going out for a night out with friend's. We would goto the pub's, club's and in general just enjoy ourself's. I felt happy, had a great libido (and sexual function) and would always try my best to bring a smile or laugh to my friend's faces. I would work hard each week to make new friend's and would approuch people i didn't know to make new friend's. I forced myself to overcome my own social anxiety and previous depression problems. Sometimes i got lucky (not often though) and would get a few phone number's or even a short term girlfriend. It would only ever last a night at most (i've never had a long term relationship) but i was happy and knew what i wanted in life. Each day of my life was a blessing.

I felt young, confident and happy. I made myself feel like this against all the odd's. I had alot going against me but i did everything i could to overcome this (i underwent four different surgeries as a baby to get my sight and hearing working and fix two birth mark's). I was never the best looking guy in the world either but i didn't let this hold me back, after all everyone's different in this world. I know the power of my own mind and i know what i can do when i use my own abilities.

For the past 13 week's i haven't been out. I didn't (and still don't) see the point in going out anymore. I can't drink because it react's bad with my condition and make's me feel even worse. I have no libido/sexual function, physical pain (scrotum pain, back pain, muscle pain and overall have the health of a 80 year old man), sexual function (libido/erections) are useless (even with 20mg of cialis or viagra). My emotions, mood and general well-being have been destroyed.

What's the point in living if we are to be alone our whole life? What women is going to go with a guy who can't even get an erection or has a libido? To make matter's worse the thyroid disease is causing bad skin reactions (dry skin on hands, elbows, scrotum, foreskin and kness), eye pain (sensitive to light and blood shot 'look') and extreme tiredness. I just want to sleep my life away.

While this will sound ironic, I am sick of this illness. I hate this illness with everything in me.

Most people here will probably see this as a cry for help (which it would look like if i was reading it myself) but i really can't be bothered or care for anything anymore. I am sick of fighting with my own body everyday. My family and friend's are all feeling bad because i am feeling bad. It's had a knock on effect on everyone and i am sick and tired of the whole deal. I wan't my family and friend's to get on with their lives and forget about this whole situation.

Tonight i am going to sit down with my family and tell my mother and father that one of these night's i won't be home again, this will be difficult todo. I have my notes ready, my method (and tools) and my mind set in action. I have held on long enough, no one can help me any longer.

My family and friend's will feel bad for sometime but at the end of the day they don't have to deal with this illness day in, day out. I keep telling myself i am going to get better but "luck" never swing's my way (it hasn't in the past and won't now - even with surgery being an option).

The only problem i am having now is that i want to commit suicide but my body want's to fight it. I never thought it would be this difficult to end my own live. We have a pre-programmed desire to live and survive and it's difficult to overcome this with the mind alone. I need to get rid of that last glimpse of hope in my body and mind and force myself into doing this.

My decision is set in stone, i no longer hold any hope of recovering from this illness and i know in my heart i will never get my life back the way it was before. My body has been destroyed because of this illness.

All i ask is people sit back and really, really think about how bad their situation is before considering suicide as an option. Alot of the problem's i read on this forum are mental and caused by other's, you have the power to change this. You must trust me when i say this.

I thought i would be worthwhile posting this message here because i feel some people might get a glimmer of hope in their own situations.

My last desire before leaving this world is to take a girl out on a date. This is something i alway's wanted todo but never got the chance todo. I live in Scotland (UK) so if anyone is intrested, please send me a little message telling me a little about yourself and maybe i can help bring a glimmer of light into your own life.

I would also like to thank my friend's on this forum for helping me this far. This includes Syd, TiredAndAlone, nothing, sadwife and many others.

Kind Regards,
Dave

 

[Syd]

Aw man, I just don't know what to say. On the one hand, I know you have this incredible will to help others and keep living, but at the same time you're suffering more from not being able to enjoy your own life as a young adult. I don't believe it's right for me or anyone else to put pressure on you to stay, as it is no one's choice to make but your own. However, I believe it is alright to tell you how I feel about this situation, while still respecting your decisions.

Honestly, every time I read one of your posts, I get this overwhelming feeling to go out and meet people again, show love, shake off my depression and anxiety (I actually feel like it's gone now after reading what you've said) and I feel as though it's my responsibility to help others and spread humor, love, and happiness to friends, and enjoy life. To understand what you've lost, it makes one realize how much they have still, and I just wish that I could help you somehow as I'm sure many others do. Maybe going out with some friends and spending time with some females again is just what you need to bring back your spirits again, perhaps it would motivate you to continue your life. I remember having the best nights of my life at raves and clubs, even if I was sober, the good mood just tends to rub off others onto ourselves, and it's great to be free of responsibilities and just act silly all night, even strangers seem like best friends, that's how people should be all the time.

I'm going to just forget about all of my troubles now, it's not worth it to miss out on life, it's the risk that makes it worth living. I promise to remember what you've done and said here, and keep it in mind; if you can continue to help others with all of the pain you're feeling, then anyone can. I'm going to do my best to carry on your goals of improving life for everyone around us. I may not ever be able to make real political changes through an elected campaign, but it's the little things we do - being there for our friends, helping someone find a job, caring for a child, and many more examples. I have always had this mentality of being empathetic, but your story only strengthens my resolve. I have to do it now more than ever, give back some good to the world to make up for the losses you've suffered, and for your absence if it is inevitable.

Your efforts here at least, were not in vain. I meant what I've said here, and although your story may not be enough to help everyone who's suffering, it truly has helped me. I have a lot to do, a whole life ahead of me, this is the gift we're all given when we're born. The chances of even being born are so small, we're all lucky to even be here.. do what you feel is right Dave, it's your decision to make, no one else's.. no one should be obligated to suffer against their own will. You have my support whether you choose to stay or leave. If you stay, I'll look forward to your thoughts, hopes, and dreams about life, so that we can carry on your messages through our own actions. If you leave, know that you've done all that can be expected, and I'm grateful for the help you've offered and for bringing the reality of your circumstances into the light here. You've been a great role model. Blessings to you, and more power to your cause. Your friend Syd.

 

[Terry]

Please Mega, explore all possible avenues of medical help before making this irrevocable decision.

I know you are suffering and it sounds absolutely awful, but there maybe a treatment which will alleviate or cure your illness.

Please reconsider such a final decision.

 

[theleastofthese]

Dave;

I too wish you wouldn't make such a final decision. While there's life, there's always hope - no matter how slim it may seem. I am curious also: you said you don't blame your father for your accidental injury - what did your father have to do with your injury??

I do wish you'd reconsider. Especially since you seem to have such a positive effect on friends/people feeling badly. Isn't being needed reason enough to stay??

love,

least

 

[Bette]

Ahhh, Mega that so sucks you feel like you do and are suffering.

I agree that checking out is not the answer. Man, you just never know what good thing is going to come your way, and it really does eventually.

You have been given a gift and that is as a healer. You may thing "Well, who cares cause I can't help my damn self." Not true. Often giving to others turns your frown upside down and at a moment you'd never expect.

Yo, I am a "househound" too, and I KNOW I have to get out more. I mean even a trip to the grocery store nets some form of human kindness. Don't let your gift go. That's rare to be able to help people.

Weird thisng is that we can help others, but we can't help ourselves. That can turn around though, and when it does you are set.

 

[Bette]

Mega, I almost forgot. A date with a girl?

Trust me it's easy. It just takes self confidence and of course we are lacking that, BUT so are some girls out there.

Man, I was a cheerleader, and all popular, and supposedly by other people's acoounts very pretty. Now that I am older I have guys tell me they had always wanted to take me out, but were intimidated.

If they had only known. I was one srewed up chickie and would have lovd to went on dates with those guys. NOBODY KNOWS about another unless they are in their shoes or live in their homes. Heck, living in my head even hurt.
Worse thing is a chick says no, and ya just lift your head and ask another one. Girls ain't all that. No big loss if they say no. Out there is someone just like us, and you could make a some girls day.

 

[TiredAndAlone]

I only just saw this post. I'm so sorry Mega. :sad: