trying hard to hold on. not much sleep. a lot of physical spiritual and emotional pain. lonliness. battling against the self hatred. wondering which of the 4 paths (all which are dark and lead towards more darkness) to go down. had a dream about this song "saudade" last night. i wasn't sure why but when i read the wikipedia deffinition of the word it put perfectly into perspective the feeling i have...and have had for a long time... here's the deffinition... 'Saudade' is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It's related to the feelings of longing, yearning. Saudade has been described as a "...vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future." A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something that does not exist or is unattainable. Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" or "the love that stays" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. does this word ring true to anyone else out there and how they feel constantly? here's the song "saudade"...by love and rockets.(instrumental) (video isn't important...some fan made it...but it is the way the music speaks) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUX5etnYnrM as i listened to it i was on my knees in a puddle of tears. the music portrays the beauty and sadness...the loss and hope...the yin and yang...the sweet and sour of human existence. holding on for one more night.