Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by darcy1, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    trying hard to hold on. not much sleep. a lot of physical spiritual and emotional pain. lonliness. battling against the self hatred. wondering which of the 4 paths (all which are dark and lead towards more darkness) to go down.

    had a dream about this song "saudade" last night.
    i wasn't sure why but when i read the wikipedia deffinition of the word it put perfectly into perspective the feeling i have...and have had for a long time...
    here's the deffinition...

    'Saudade' is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It's related to the feelings of longing, yearning.

    Saudade has been described as a "...vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future."[2]

    A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something that does not exist or is unattainable.

    Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" or "the love that stays" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again.

    It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

    does this word ring true to anyone else out there and how they feel constantly?

    here's the song "saudade" love and rockets.(instrumental) (video isn't important...some fan made it...but it is the way the music speaks)

    as i listened to it i was on my knees in a puddle of tears. the music portrays the beauty and sadness...the loss and hope...the yin and yang...the sweet and sour of human existence.

    holding on for one more night.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2011
  2. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Wow, that is what I so often feel. Isn't it though the most cruel thing about life? That you can never access or relive any of your memories. You are constantly dying and so is the world around you.

    All memories hurt, good ones the most. Things change and it seems as if everything is gone.

    I am dealing with constant nostalgia that even I can't understand.
  3. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean.
    i guess one of the things i take solice in is that i am constantly dying...that i have a terminal's called "being born". and no matter how hard the doctors may fight...they will have a 100 percent failure rate in the end. what ever it is that ends it. there will be an end to the pain and an understanding of why it had to be.

    for me saudade is bitter sweet cause there are so many momories i once had that seemed so beautiful...things that i enjoyed...and at some point...when i had a shift in consciousness of some kind...the inner being that inhabits this flesh...the consciousness started to rewrite all those memories.

    the things i was proud of...i no longer felt pride. the good times...the partying...the coping...all lead towards self destruction. the things i loved to do i now dispise. all the best decisions i made in life ended up being my biggest mistakes.

    when i look at the world around me and see all the wide screen tvs, i-phones, children laughing in the park, lovers walking hand in hand, the nature around's like it is not my i am a stranger looking in on something it doesn't belong to...soomething alien...something that will never be mine...and while i had it at one point...i will never atain it again.

    i think there is part of my soul that although it is in pain and knew it had to go down this path. like this experience had to happen. like this soul came to learn about pain and addiction...while other souls came to learn about happiness and abundance...others what ever it may be...

    like it is out of our control in some way. all we can do is react to it. i don't know.

    but i am going to try and hold on for one more day.
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Saudade ? Sounds like it could also mean grieving or mourning, a place I'm living in now.

    Feels like it's not your world ? My sentiments exactly since my wife died. During my first meltdown, I was actually tempted to carve the words into my living room wall. Since then, I've been considering a less permanent action of painting "This is not my world" and hanging it on the wall.

    Along the line of Saudade, here is something I journaled a couple of nights ago "The refugee can dream of the place he can not return to" I think in response to perceived pressure from a sister about moving on with my life.
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