I don't know what to do. I really don't know.. One of my friends stayed over last night. He has problems himself, so we can talk about our problems without having to fear that the other thinks you're exaggerating. We kissed, I don't have any problem with that (even though it wasn't a good idea, since we are both troubled). But with every step that might led to more, I got scared. It's like I'm freaking out or something. That always happens and it is driving me crazy. I know it's because of the memories in my head. But it made everything worse for me. For the last 2 weeks there's nothing else in my mind than the idea of killing myself. Yesterday made everything even worse, because now there are fresh memories of rape in my mind. And I already lost myself completely, I wrote my goodbye note a few days ago. And I 'woke up' 2 times, waiting for the train to come. These times I woke up in time, but I'm scared the next time I won't wake up in time. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm constantly forcing myself to say goodbye to everybody, as if my mind knows that I won't be there anymore tomorrow. I'm scared. It feels that tonight will be like the other 2 times. I don't want to go to the station, I don't want to die (and yet I do want to die because I just can't handle myself anymore..) But then I think about the freedom and the peace I will get. I can't wait to get there. So.. Goodbye, I guess.