Save me from myself..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Leeuwerik, Oct 31, 2013.

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  1. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    I don't know what to do. I really don't know..

    One of my friends stayed over last night. He has problems himself, so we can talk about our problems without having to fear that the other thinks you're exaggerating. We kissed, I don't have any problem with that (even though it wasn't a good idea, since we are both troubled). But with every step that might led to more, I got scared. It's like I'm freaking out or something. That always happens and it is driving me crazy. I know it's because of the memories in my head.

    But it made everything worse for me. For the last 2 weeks there's nothing else in my mind than the idea of killing myself. Yesterday made everything even worse, because now there are fresh memories of rape in my mind. And I already lost myself completely, I wrote my goodbye note a few days ago. And I 'woke up' 2 times, waiting for the train to come. These times I woke up in time, but I'm scared the next time I won't wake up in time. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm constantly forcing myself to say goodbye to everybody, as if my mind knows that I won't be there anymore tomorrow. I'm scared. It feels that tonight will be like the other 2 times. I don't want to go to the station, I don't want to die (and yet I do want to die because I just can't handle myself anymore..) But then I think about the freedom and the peace I will get. I can't wait to get there.


    Goodbye, I guess.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I am glad you found us. I am glad you are posting. Its a good community. Please keep posting. As much as you need or want to. There can be great support here. And I am so sorry you were raped. So very sorry.

    I wonder if you need some support irl in addition to this community. As you might guess, many of us are in counselling. Do you think that it might be good to call a rape crisis canter to ask about help right now? Or if you do not know of a place to call, and live in the US you could call united way and find out from them where you can call. They have a database of places to call. They have people whose job it is to answer phones and find the right place for people to call for help. Usually in the US they can be reached by calling 211. Or if you want, I could even help you find a place to call. Up to you of course. I dont want to try to push anything on you. never ever want to do that.

    What is happening to you is not a reflection of who you are. Maybe you already know that. I dont care how strong the person is, it is never their fault when memories come up. Nor is the original rape(s) ever someones own fault. Maybe you know that also. But I did want to say it. But in order to begin the recovery ( and taking back the power from the person or people who stole that) help is needed.

    Would you call locally to get help? AND most important, please keep posting here. this is a great community.
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