save me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by feathers, Aug 6, 2010.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Fucking hate everything. Seriously I swear to God I am sick of this world. I am SICK of EVERYTHING. Why am I bothering to struggle through it? So I get out the other end of this tunnel and straight into the next one in a few months? WHAT'S THE POINT? Why is there so so so much suffering in this shitty worthless world? Why do people even want to live? Why? Everyone would just be so much better off if a fucking meteor just hit the world and killed everyone. No more pain, no more loss, no more illness, no more disability, no more depression, no more suicide... Why why why do I bother trying? Why didn't I just kill myself 9 months when I wanted so badly to? I wish I fucking had. Wouldn't be having to put up with this fucking shit and feeling worthless and feeling like no one is going to help me if I try. But why try. Why. I'm stuck in this cycle and it's just going to keep going on and on and around and around and I'm just going to be feeling worthless and cutting and being depressed and wanting to die. I strongly do believe that one day I will die by my own hand because I really can't see myself lasting long enough to die any other way, unless I get hit by a fucking car, in which case, thank you, please, fucking do it again just to make sure I'm actually dead.

    But then again, my death would bring pain to others, hence why it would be better if we all were just fucking dead. Is there a heaven? No. We die and we disappear, our brains cease to work, we cease to have consciousness, we're just in a hole in the ground or ashes in an urn. We cease to be, just like we were before we were conceived. What's the point in life? To leave a legacy, to have children and let them go through the same fucking shite you've been going through all your life? Loss, grief, illness, rejection, failure, pain. Fair enough there is the good stuff but is it worth it? It certainly doesn't feel like it right now. Because what prospects is there in my future... Continue struggling with this depression which hasn't even been diagnosed because my doctor doesn't give two shits enough to listen and think that if there's actually something CAUSING you to feel bad, then it can't be depression. Because depression NEVER has a cause. Useless cow. Probably too interested in her salary at the end of the day to give a fucking shit about anyone. And I have to go and see that useless cow on Thursday because I couldn't get to see the other doctor for 2 weeks, and I can't BEAR another fucking two weeks of this, the anticipation of going to the doctors and being rejected. It's the worst part, the idea of being turned away. I nearly had a panic attack today just thinking about it. How fucking shit am I going to feel if I get told they can't help again?

    GIVE ME A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS. LET ME FEEL LIKE SOMEONE KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH AND WHY. TELL ME WHY I'VE BEEN ON OFF DEPRESSED SINCE I WAS 13. TELL ME WHY EVERY NIGHT I'M GOING TO BED AND WANTING TO BE DEAD. GIVE ME SOMETHING - MAKE IT GO AWAY. DO SOMETHING. SOMEONE. PLEASE.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope the dam professionals listen to you i do understand your pain your feeling of hopelessness of not being heard or cared about. You scream you yell until they do hear okay you tell them how fff suicidal youare and you need someone to do something now dam it they are the professionals do something to help you take care okay it will only take one doctor who cares that will help you i hope you continue to fight to find that doctor okay go to emerg ever fff night until you do find someone to listen
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    aw thank you for that, and htank you for your continued responses:)
     
  4. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I saw my username on this post so thought it only fitting I reply to it :tongue:

    Joking aside though, you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way. My username and the name of this topic says it all. Please! Save us all! There's gotta be some point to this crappy life! I refuse to believe that life just sucks and then you die. Seriously, one day I hope this is all worth it. It better be.

    I don't know if I could say anything that would actually help right now because hell, I don't even know how to help myself atm. At the very least though I can do what your doctor fails to do and that's listen. So my PM box is open anytime day or night. Feel free to drop us a line.
     
  5. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    What would it take to make you happy (and you're not allowed to say death, because you said after death is nothing)? If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?
     
  6. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    BB, I should theoretically BE happy. I've got a nice life. A lovely boyfriend, really good friends, happy at collece, doing well with grades, living away from my mother who caused me a lot of unhappiness at the back end of last year... I'm not sure what else I could want, not sure if anything would make me happier when I've got everything i could want :/

    Thank you both for your replies, and the offer is returned to you, save_me.
     
  7. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    How about volunteering then? Do you do any of that. I've found animal rights groups quite a good cause, this is an article that inspired me to put my problems aside (even if it was only for a short while before the depression came back again:

    It is a day much like any other … a day during which over two hundred and twenty thousand animals will be killed.

    A day when countless animals will suffer through being burned, electrocuted, beaten, denied enough room to even turn around, and otherwise tortured, exploited and enslaved. Step inside a slaughterhouse and see the horror for yourself.

    Bodies strewn about, dead and dying, the stench of the blood of thousands is in the air. Yet the butchers continue their work, slashing the throat of one chicken after another.

    Their still-quivering bodies then immersed in boiling water. Some still alive, until in their last moments they are boiled alive. Some fall from the hands of their killer and lie twitching on the floor living out their last hours in futile desperation trying to re-gain control of their bodies for just long enough to drag themselves away. But there is no place to go no place to run – they are powerless before their butchers.

    It’s just another day in New Zealand. The plight of these animals is so extreme it seems incomprehensible that anyone who cares about animals would do anything less than they possibly could to help as many of these animal as they can.

    Becoming vegan is a great place to start. It saves lives, and every life is precious. But in our fast-food nation these lives are a mere drop in the bucket. Simply trying to avoid taking an active part in the exploitation, abuse, and killing of animals is not enough. Nor can the animals afford for us to become complacent, settling for only avoiding supporting animal industries when it’s easy for us.

    Think of the animals being tortured and killed as you are reading this and ask yourself: is there really nothing more you could be doing to help them? Whether it be engaging in direct action, protesting a vivisection lab, doing public speaking, supporting vegan businesses, rejecting consumer society, campaigning for legislation, or simply urging businesses to not use bone-char refined sugar in vegan products, the bottom line is the animals need you to get active and do your best for them today and every day.

    Our society is incredibly apathetic and it’s all too easy to get mired in one’s doubts over which campaign to spend one’s time on, or simply give up out of despair that one can never do enough. But look into the eyes of a calf as she is taken off to slaughter and tell her that you’re really doing everything you can. Tell her that it’s more important for you to go to a show than to hold out flyers about veganism. Tell a chicken imprisoned on a factory farm that you would rather stay home and watch TV than free her.

    Certainly this doesn’t mean one needs to spend every waking moment of every day fighting for the animals. We all need our down time to recharge and keep from getting burnt out. The trick is not to use that as an excuse to do less than we can, but instead constantly challenge ourselves to do more to help the animals.
     
  8. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Mmm yeah I do voluntary work, I am a volunteer listener for the Samaritans, and you're right, it does help, I listen to other peoples problems and it puts mine on the back seat for a time. :) I always come out feeling really good about myself.
     
  9. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Oh, that's pretty cool - what kind of stuff do you do with them?
     
  10. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Oh answering the calls and stuff from people in despair. kind of ironic but I started volunteering with them before my depression came back.
     
  11. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Oh, interesting. Do you think you're good at it?

    Do you know what made your depression come back? What point were you at in your life when you weren't depressed?
     
  12. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Well I get told I've helped people feel better on the phone so I suppose.

    And I don't know what made it come back at all. nothing's changed. I was bloody happy with my life, and then suddenly it came back. Only thing that I can think of, is I met my bf's friend who self harms really bad, just cuts all over his arms, was a bit of a shock because I wasn't expecting it I think, then a few days later just felt like cutting, then the depression came back. Not sure if that could have triggered it to this extent, but wondering if it did.
     
  13. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Oh, that sucks. Well, I'm not sure if this helps in any way but I have a friend who I keep in contact with every now and then, and we're each others' 'accountability' partners, so we promise each other that if we ever feel like cutting ourselves we'd call and meet up, like to play guitar or just go to the park or something. So like at 3pm when I feel like cutting I'll call her up and say, hey, let's hang out. And we'll go do something. And usually it's something that's exhausting, like going for a run, so by the time I get back I'm just too tired to be depressed and will fall asleep 'til the next day. Maybe you can try that with your boyfriend's friend? If it's too time consuming though to hang out maybe you'll have to try something different.

    Well, I don't know if that's crappy advice or not but here's a cool looking cow to make up for it in case it wasn't:

    :cow:

    That's nice of you to do the phone thing for those other people by the way.
     
  14. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    hahaha ohhh my boyfriends friend is way into drugs and everything.. not a great person to hang out with.. not very friendly... but thanks for the advice i guess it would be good advice if the guy in question wasn't a complete prick who carried a knife heheh.. :p nice cow though.

    and thanks, i thuoght it was a nice thing but now i'm not that sure i can handleit getting into this state again
     
  15. RonnieFM

    RonnieFM New Member

    Dear Kazine
    I know things are bad . . but I want you to be strong of heart. Imagine this: What if I suggest there is nothing wrong with you. OK DON'T BE ANGRY - and what if I said there IS something wrong with your thinking. Yes Kazine! It is your thought process that has taken you to the edge of darkness. We are our thoughts - so to change your life, you MUST change your thinking! It can be done! It is proven. Believe me you can do it too, and I might be able to help - but in stating that, I must inform you it is a long process.
    This is my first post and I look forward to a chat.
    Keep your chin up.
    Ronnie FM
     
  16. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I know it's my thoughts... my thoughts are making me wanna kill myself. That's... pretty much accepted.
     
  17. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    So, any details?

    Like, what are the reasons your thoughts are giving for you to kill yourself?

    Are they good reasons? Are you a good debater? Sometimes if you can manage to debate with your thoughts you might be able to convince yourself that you've got better reasons to live than your thoughts.

    For example, I sometimes think to myself, I want to kill myself so I can show the girls I used to know who broke my heart how much they've hurt me.

    But then I come up with a counter-argument, which is well maybe a better way to do it is to find myself another girl who I'll marry and then one day I can show them I got somewhere in my life, whereas they're now 30 and still single and lonely (yeah, a bit mean, but it helps a bit to think that way. It might not work but it still helps with the original thoughts of suicide).
     
  18. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I just get depressed. My reasons are usually because I end up hating myself and hating how I keep getting depressed all the time and think that I'm gonna be stuck getting depressed on and off for the rest of my life

    and that life is just generally awful and suffering anyway, just looking around the place, its everywhere