Fucking hate everything. Seriously I swear to God I am sick of this world. I am SICK of EVERYTHING. Why am I bothering to struggle through it? So I get out the other end of this tunnel and straight into the next one in a few months? WHAT'S THE POINT? Why is there so so so much suffering in this shitty worthless world? Why do people even want to live? Why? Everyone would just be so much better off if a fucking meteor just hit the world and killed everyone. No more pain, no more loss, no more illness, no more disability, no more depression, no more suicide... Why why why do I bother trying? Why didn't I just kill myself 9 months when I wanted so badly to? I wish I fucking had. Wouldn't be having to put up with this fucking shit and feeling worthless and feeling like no one is going to help me if I try. But why try. Why. I'm stuck in this cycle and it's just going to keep going on and on and around and around and I'm just going to be feeling worthless and cutting and being depressed and wanting to die. I strongly do believe that one day I will die by my own hand because I really can't see myself lasting long enough to die any other way, unless I get hit by a fucking car, in which case, thank you, please, fucking do it again just to make sure I'm actually dead. But then again, my death would bring pain to others, hence why it would be better if we all were just fucking dead. Is there a heaven? No. We die and we disappear, our brains cease to work, we cease to have consciousness, we're just in a hole in the ground or ashes in an urn. We cease to be, just like we were before we were conceived. What's the point in life? To leave a legacy, to have children and let them go through the same fucking shite you've been going through all your life? Loss, grief, illness, rejection, failure, pain. Fair enough there is the good stuff but is it worth it? It certainly doesn't feel like it right now. Because what prospects is there in my future... Continue struggling with this depression which hasn't even been diagnosed because my doctor doesn't give two shits enough to listen and think that if there's actually something CAUSING you to feel bad, then it can't be depression. Because depression NEVER has a cause. Useless cow. Probably too interested in her salary at the end of the day to give a fucking shit about anyone. And I have to go and see that useless cow on Thursday because I couldn't get to see the other doctor for 2 weeks, and I can't BEAR another fucking two weeks of this, the anticipation of going to the doctors and being rejected. It's the worst part, the idea of being turned away. I nearly had a panic attack today just thinking about it. How fucking shit am I going to feel if I get told they can't help again? GIVE ME A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS. LET ME FEEL LIKE SOMEONE KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH AND WHY. TELL ME WHY I'VE BEEN ON OFF DEPRESSED SINCE I WAS 13. TELL ME WHY EVERY NIGHT I'M GOING TO BED AND WANTING TO BE DEAD. GIVE ME SOMETHING - MAKE IT GO AWAY. DO SOMETHING. SOMEONE. PLEASE.