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Saving myself the pain this time

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Yeah yeah another rant. Maybe my final one with any luck. Reading one post tore my heart out today. Felt like it had been ripped out and just tossed away. Yet again i let myself get hurt. I doubt very much that the person even knows what they just did. Ain't nice being lied to.

I swore to myself i would not get hurt again but i kept putting up with it. After seeing a post i realised that i'm gonna get hurt more than i could ever imagine. I'm not getting hurt again especially like that. So i'm gonna make it easier on myself. The way i make it easier doesn't matter. As long as i know what needs to be done.

I had a talk with the person that knows me the best yesterday. Ended up getting upset and she heard that i was upset and we talked on msn. Told her what was wrong. Told her for the first time that i'm pretty suicidal right now. She even knows that something in particular would kill me. She knows it. She ever know 'yeah i know' when i said i wouldn't be able to take it.

Why do i feel like everything I've ever been told on this site by people is crap?

People tell me to look after number one, will today is that day. Time to save me that hurt. I have the perfect reason as well. Failing college. Perfect. Might not be whole of the reason. But it will have to do. Attempting suicide must run in the family haha first my brother. Now ..... well.

I'm gonna make it easier on me and you. Said it before. Said 'all you have to say is ... just die' You should of said it. That what you want? hurt will push me to the edge. Especially that kind of hurt. Well you MUST want that. Want me dead. Well fine. Your wish is my command.
im sorry you are feeling so low atm, i wish i could help you, make it better whatever it may be. If you need to talk im on for a lil longer than ill be back on tonight
be safe hun


Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
Vikkik, I know your last part of the post is pointed at me.

I do NOT want you dead! If I'd want you dead I would've just said it. All I can do now is apologize for the past days, weeks even. I've not been myself and yesterday and today it got totally out of hand after I'd taken too many hashcookies and bacardi/coke. I couldnt say a sensemaking word anymore at all and I've been blabbing aobout god knows what, I dont know what exactly happened cos I can't really rmember. All I know is that I'm sobered up now, kind of and that I just had a look at the posts I made and the posts you made today and I have to say I'm shocked. I can't believe why the hell I've been on this forum in the condition I was in, what was I thinking!???

I'm really sorry viks if I hurt you and if I "stabbed you in the back" in any way, I wish I knew what the hell I've done, because I can't remember much at the moment :sad: I hope you'll let me make it up to you, and even if you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I understand. But please don't end your life, please don't. People care so much, I care so much. Please do not end your life, Vikki, please.

I love you.

Est x
You ain't stabbed me in the back. Something you said earlier hurt, yeah. Your never understand how much. You don't get it. There's no point explaining it right now cos all anyone will get right now is abuse and anger thrown at them.

Meh whatever.

even if you don't want anything to do with me anymore, I understand.
Thats not what i want and you know it.
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I wanna soooooooooooooooooo fucking badly right now. Whats the point holding on. There ain't one. I should just fucking do it. People asking me whats wrong. I can't explain. I ain't even got the energy to type anymore and i've got a fucking assignment to do, which i might aswell not do cos i know i've failed. Fuck sake. I need to do it.
I'm done. Just burnt myself again. Gonna do it over and over until i fuck my arm up, till it matches my the way i feel inside. Tonight it stops. Tonight its done.
Decided to give up college. Don't need to be told i failed. I quit. Too far behind to catch up. One thing that i 'achieved' (yeh right) I quit, I quit, I quit. Not gonna need the qualification anymore. Not looking forward to the shit off my mum. But meh whatever. Won't have to put up for it for long. Go me.
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