Savior (!possible trigger!)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by scarlettdrknss, Apr 8, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    Cutting is my savior. It makes the death wishes, the nervousness, any inner conflicts and negative feelings disappear. It has kept me from attempting suicide.
    That's why I can't stop. I don't want to. It makes me feel better, it makes me feel good about myself. The sting while dragging the blade across my skin and watching the blood crawl across my skin. Later on the burning like I'm feeling right now, the calm - i feel relaxed and content. Tomorrow when I wake up, they will still be there. The proof that I am fighting is there on my arms and it's pretty. It makes my inner pain and struggle visible. It really makes me feel good about myself. I feel very sad when a scars fades. It's like I've lost someone very dear to me. I search other people's skin for scars, cuts and if I find them wonder if it was self harm or an accident.
    Cutting has become very important for me. I self harm in other ways as well, but it's not the same. I really do believe cutting is what helps me through life.
    But more people have found
  2. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    ...about it and since I was on suicide watch for a week recently, they keep asking me to stop. My parents expect me to stop every time they find out again. They're letting me get a piercing, tattoo and go to concerts - but only if I try to get better and do good in school. How the hell am I supposed to do that with these thoughts in my head, this darkness, this confusion?? I give all I have in me to fight myself to just stay alive every day and cutting helps with that. But they all want me to do more and more and to stop cutting. I can't do that. I don't want to...
    They all make me feel like I have to stop, i feel guilty, and so useless, helpless, hurt, i just want to curl up and got to sleep forever to get away from this conflict.
    cutting is pretty much all I have that really comforts me. How am I supposed to give up that?
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    It saddens me that so many don't understand cutting or other forms of SH. The thoughts in your head and the darkness and confusion are where perhaps to start... Do you have a counsellor or therapist or someone you trust that you could talk with? Its so important to try and find someone that you can build trust with, that you can talk to and that can help you. Dealing with those things first will help and then you can talk about self harm/cutting.

    Please be careful when you SH.
  4. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member


    I'm gonna have my first appointment with a new therapist on thursday. And I will probably get medication.
    But I just can't explain to people how I really feel. I've had an other therapist but we never really talked about the important things and I often wanted to but when I'm facing someone, I can't find the words. It's like - a part of me doesn't want anyone to know. Those are my thoughts, my feeling, it's none of their business, they should fuck off and similiar thoughts. Probably cuz I'm not very fond of other people. I don't feel close enough to anyone to talk. Even not with my dog. She can't understand me and I love her more than anything in the world, she'd be the first I'd talk to - but I can't do that either...

    I don't cut deep, in 5 years of cutting, i've madd about maybe 5 deeper cuts. But thanks for the concern (and the reply).
    I just feel really sad at just the thought of having to stop cutting. It's like someone who loves to draw, giving it up.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Hi.... That's good about seeing a therapist. When I haven't been able to talk, I've asked if I could write or type out something for mine to read and that has worked. It can be difficult to express things that we have kept inside for so long that even may not make sense to ourselves.

    Keep us posted! :hug:
  6. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I used to write poems until recently... The problem is, I'm better at expressing myself on english but I live in germany and that means I have to speak german or I showed my last therapist a poem and he wasn't sure what it all meant. And I couldn't explain. Poems are not meant to be explained. I have never in my whole life talked about my feelings, even when I wasn't depressed and was happy most of the time. I always smiled, but I never expressed myself that much.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.