Saw ex's achievements- don't know what to think?

cots

Well-Known Member
#1
He left me 8-9 years ago. Can't remember exactly when. I've pretty much moved on - or rather, thought I did.

Saw that he has a new girl. Well, not new. They're probably married since it's been so long.

He's also very successful at work - high-flyer, expatriate - the epitome of a highly successful man.

Feels like Pandora's Box has been opened. Damn social media.

I should be happy for him. We weren't good for each other anyway. He looks much happier now.

But I am selfish. How can I feel happy for someone who threw me away so mercilessly? Called me a loser, stupid idiot and said I'll never amount to anything much - left me scarred for life.

But why is he allowed to be happy while my life continues to be an insufferable mess?

How is this fair?

I'm childish I know, but I can't help feeling that the world is such a cold and harsh place.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#2
He doesn't sound like such a nice person @cots. So, he has all that "success" and his personality sucks.

It's true the world can be a cold and harsh place like you said, but at least you're honest. Also, his life may look perfect from the outside, you never know how it really is or what's really going on.

You're a real person that deals with daily struggles and seems like a nice person. *console
 

Bradamante

Silent dreamer
#3
Hey @cots
I am really sorry you are feeling this way. I think that we all have felt like this at once in our lives, when our ex left and moved on happily. It is part of life though.
As you've stated, you and your ex wouldn't have worked out anyway, so in this sense, it is best that each followed his/her own path, whether it was more challenging or not.
When my ex left me some years ago and I was really devastated, I promised myself that I would never ever, any circumstance look him up on social medias or contact him again. He made his choice, I was not part of his existence and I had to respect it.
And that's how it went: to this very day, I have kept this oath and I will never break it, even though sometimes, especially when he sent me messages suddenly and I did not respond, there is the temptation to see what he is up to.
All the things he told you cots, they are not what you really are, they are words in the past and maybe spoken in a specific emotional state, where people is not very lucid and wanna hurt you, you know?
Also, the pictures you look at on these profiles, do not prove 100% they are happy for real. It is mostly a trendy facade, showing the fairy tale side which is not the truth.
So please stop checking him out, block him or cancel his number if you need to. You have your own life, focus on that, which is much more worth than whatever this person is.
Wish you the best. *hug
 

Brit

Well-Known Member
#4
Aaaaah, this is an aspect of the story of my life :) - social media potentially allows me to keep tabs on the exes, and it's never good *facepalm. One thing I can say, these things are rarely as they seem, especially on social media (where everything is fake and spiffy), everyone has ups-and-downs, at best! I process any annoying information I glean, ruminate over it (way too long) ... and then, I try not to look again (but sometimes it's bloody irresistible, ffs! *confused).
be kind to yourself :) x
 

cots

Well-Known Member
#5
Thank you all for the kind words.

Yes, I shouldn't have gone to check his profile out. Curiosity killed the cat :(

You're right. Social media is probably a heavily filtered version of our lives. Still feels horrible though.

I don't know how long I'd take to heal from this setback, if it even needs "healing". It's an odd feeling. It stings, but not Day One kind of sting. Can't explain it. It's not sadness. I am not crying. I am still able to do my own things.

But I just feel very, very bitter.
 

Tor

SF Supporter
#6
I know this scenario too, and frankly, it sucks. I’m sorry you are feeling the crappy effects of social media showing off people’s lives. In reality, it’s not their whole life; just the Kodak moments. My ex became a doctor, and now has 3 kids with the girl he started dating very shortly after he broke up with me. It was so hard for many years, but I had to just stop looking. Easier said than done, but it becomes a necessity for moving on. Hugs *hug
 

cots

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks @Tor for sharing your experience. Yes, it sucks big time. I was doing rather well until the day I saw those posts. Now I feel like an absolute loser. Childish as it sounds, it feels like he has won.

It's almost a week since I saw the posts and I'm still feeling bitter. I wish I could unsee what I saw. His new girl is so pretty - a sweet young thing. How can I ever measure up?

Not that I should even compare.
 

cymbele

SF Supporter
#8
I went through the same thing when my daughter told me my ex was getting married. Not only was he getting married but I had had one relationship since the divorce 10 years ago. I fell into a funk that my new therapist helped me through. I felt like a loser but I keep remembering how he treated me in the past and how his father treats his mother and I feel I have escaped the treatment (he's a narcissist).
But I still feel resentment that he left me because of my mental illness plus difficulties with my teenage daughter. Like he couldn't handle the responsibilities of the tough part of the marriage. He and his wife have no real conflict to deal with, they do not need to struggle with money, teenagers, or conflict so they can be happy with no responsibilities.
If I had any advice it would be to get a therapist and work through it. It took only two sessions with the new therapist to get through the loser phase but I know I long for a relationship. The only thing we have in common is my only daughter and she is careful to keep us apart.
Good luck to you. If you want to chat my Inbox is available.
 

cots

Well-Known Member
#9
@cymbele thanks for sharing your experience too.

I did sought a therapist's help shortly after the break up but yes, I should probably go back again. If it helped once, it should help again.

You're right about the ex not having to deal with difficulties with their new girl. It's the same with my ex. When we were together, we were young, immature, in school and working gigs - things were just a complete mess. I guess we're just not meant to be.
 

Tor

SF Supporter
#10
Thanks @Tor for sharing your experience. Yes, it sucks big time. I was doing rather well until the day I saw those posts. Now I feel like an absolute loser. Childish as it sounds, it feels like he has won.

It's almost a week since I saw the posts and I'm still feeling bitter. I wish I could unsee what I saw. His new girl is so pretty - a sweet young thing. How can I ever measure up?

Not that I should even compare.
I know exactly how that feels. Those posts can really hit you like a high-speed freight train. It took me years to get over it, and I still have him in my dreams to this day. Not often, but it still happens. Maybe we don’t get over some people in this life, but it’s possible.

Ultimately, it’s his loss. You don’t have to measure up to anybody, especially your exe’s new girl. She has her flaws too, and who knows, they may not even work out. The contrast bias can suck, but time really can heal
 

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