saw my ex today

[throwaway__me]

I saw my ex for the first time today. I helped him with all his essays when we applied to college. spent nine hours on it, and convinced him to apply to this school because he had no safety schools.

lo and behold, this is the only place he gets into and now the dining hall closest to me is also closest to him. my hands were literally shaking. I couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast. his friends were staring at me and giggling. I said hi, because I thought that would be the adult thing to do, but now I'm a wreck. remembering all the bad stuff that happened in our relationship.

I was terrified. this isn't normal. why does seeing him have to ruin my day? why does it make me remember all the times he made me feel stupid when we fought, and all the times he pushed me for sex, and all the times he told me I would always be selfish? is this trauma? or is this normal breakup stuff? i feel incredibly sick.

 

[JDot]

Yes. I would call it trauma. Feeling sick when you see is understandable after the relationship you just described. Nobody should be pushed for sex or made to feel stupid.

 

[Acy]

Hi, @throwaway__me - whatever you call it, it hurts and it’s affecting you. Most people are affected by a breakup to some degree. I’m so sorry that seeing him around upsets you so much. He will have his group of buddies and friends. And if he’s immature, he will talk share the details of past relationships (including the one he had with you) in a silly way. And if they are immature, they will stare and giggle.

What strikes me is that you DID do the adult, mature thing: you said hi.

I think it might help to consider that maybe you are exes for a good reason - you are more mature than he is right now.

As for all the stuff he did during the relationship, you might find it helpful to talk to a counsellor a bit about the breakup. Love doesn’t mean we can force sex or demean our partner with name calling or belittling. In fact, love is supposed to be the opposite. A counsellor might be able to help you reflect on the past and then leave it in the past.

Someone who behaved as your ex did to you, is not worthy of you, imo. I’m sorry he has upset you. You are the bigger person/adult, so I’m hoping you can now ignore his antics and nastiness and move on. He might continue try to do things that upset you, but that would be about his immaturity, and you are better than that, right?

 

[Karlski]

Well done for doing the right thing and saying Hi!

Perhaps it's worth trying to talk to your ex again, to clear the air.

Sometimes getting things off of your chest is just what you need to continue.

 

[Petal]

Hi there, no I don't think this is a 'normal break-up reaction', I think it is trauma.

Would you consider getting counseling? That might help the trauma and all the ill minded reactions.

You did the adult thing by saying hi in your opinion but maybe next time pretend he's not there. He is NOT worth you ruining your day.

for you. Keep talking to us here on SF, we're here for you

 

[throwaway__me]

hi everyone, thanks for all your kind words. I am just starting to get counseling. I think it will still be hard to see him around, but I'm not going to talk to him again, and I'm going to be in regular therapy now so things are looking up

 

[Petal]

Hiya, that is superb to hear, counseling will do you the world of good just start slowly and build it up Best wishes x

 

[Walker]

Hello. I don't have anything to add that the others haven't covered but wanted to send you some good thoughts. I'm sorry that you felt bad about seeing the ex. I hope that next time it's better. He sounds immature and boyish.

 

[Acy]

@throwaway__me - you are taking strong, brave steps! Good for you! Wishing you all the best as you move forward!

 

[Auri]

I'm sorry for what he did to you, sweetie. None of it was your fault, always keep this in mind. He is the one who should feel ashamed. Don't let him ruin one more day for you, he is not worth it. You are better than him and his friends, and you deserve much more than that. Be kind to yourself. Sending love and hugs your way.

 

[throwaway__me]

sorry to reply to this thread again, but just found out my ex probably lives on the same floor as one of my new best friends. very distressing. I also have a class in that same building. very nervous and sick feeling. he's so close, and I keep remembering more stuff about our relationship. like how he would get mad "at himself" when I brought up feeling forced into intimacy and punch walls/trees. or how he would "jokingly" hold me back from doing something or force me to tell him/talk about things.

 

[Auri]

Hi @throwaway__me . You can reply here as much as you want, don't be sorry. It is your thread. He sounds very manipulative and abusive. Does your friend know that he lives there? She will understand if you don't want to go there.

 

[JDot]

It's understandable you would want to stay away from that building. Would it be possible to drop the class in that building?

 

[throwaway__me]

@Auri she totally understands. it just makes it more real that way.

 

[throwaway__me]

@JDot. unfortunately, there is no way to drop that class as it is my freshman seminar which is required, and I have to stay in that one because I live in a special community with other people of the same major and we all take that seminar together. it only meets once a week though.

 

[JDot]

if you see him i would recommend you turn your eyes away. don't give him any attention. he doesn't deserve any attention anyway.

 

[Auri]

@Auri she totally understands. it just makes it more real that way.

I'm glad you have her support. I hope you can tell her about how you feel and such, I think it will help you go through this year as peacefully as possible.
Don't drop any course. Your studies shouldn't have to suffer because of this. I hope therapy, SF, and new friends, help you in that.

 

[Pixiebelle]

Be brave, you have friends that support you. Don’t avoid him, face him bravely. He enjoys the power to mess up with you. He’s power tripping...As long as you’re affected he will torment you. If he looks at you, you look at him in the eyes. Makes him feel small, insignificant cockroach that you want to step on. Squash that roach...Be confident, you help him get where he is now. The intimacy he forced on you and calls you selfish lover. Spoke of his inexperience.
Being in college is an enjoyable experience. Don’t let him destroy your future. Look forward into making them.
Learn the art of indifference and intimidation. Example,Look a person from head to toe, one eyebrow up ( I usually used my right).