saying goodbye to friends

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by warrabinda, Jan 23, 2011.

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  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    So as the title is indiciative, for a number of reasons and not nessecarily imminent plans of suicide, I am saying goodbye to friends.
    This is also due to the fact they are moving on with their lives. I can't relate. They're all in relationships, mortgages, jobs. I can barely function. I love them dearly and everytime I see them I feel like a fraud. I want to end it now rather than let this strained exchange continue and be a burden and I guess selfishly because it hurts me on a fucking deep level to compare myself to them and realise I will never have all that, etc. which is perhaps immature?

    SO in order for it not to be so much of a shock if/when it happens I'm writing them letters. If I don't die, but just move away or whatever, at least it's a token for them of happy times or something?
    does anyone have suggestions as to what to include? I am trying to be reflective on our happy times, and I want to probably apologise for a few things. I'm having a bell jar moment and can't write due to depression which is really not cool.
    You're not contributing to me suicide-ing by replying to this, you're not encouraging me.
    and i want to add as i said that whatever could happen is not imminent, half the reason i am doing this is to end it on a kind way then time with put it's own distance. I'm not taking anyone down with me. i'm all about harm minimisation etc etc
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2011
  2. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    Well, you have a better plan than me. Least you intend to give a final gift to each person you hold dear. My ideal thing is to take a train journey into the centre of london, and then find a way to drown myself in the Thames or finding a high location i can throw myself off. But that's just my ideal suicide.

    Anyway, onto you. I can totally sympathise with the friend thing. Since I left school and college. Every single friend I ever had has gone to university, many I see photos of them on facebook in locations all over the world now. In Japan, in America, in Africa, or those who now have children. One of them I still talk and visit on the rare ocassion, he has three kids. I don't want kids myself, but he has a motivation and a purpose in life. To provide and to bring up these kids in this world. But it seems for people like you and me who haven't advanced at all, who probably still live with our parents or in some lame apartment with no jobs, no dreams or ambitions, who have achieved nothing noteworthy in our existence. Yep, not much hope for us since we create ourselves into something we also hate.

    I would suggest this though. Wait. That's what i'm doing (really thats an excuse for the most part) watch how the world unfolds, and laugh at how silly it all becomes. Heck, i spent a lot of my time scourning the farcicle which is becoming of global politics and how history is unfolding before us, and specifically to me how mediocre and quaint British politics is becoming. Yea, i'm not exactly a positive person.

    I hate saying all the cliche 'don't kill yourself' since depression and suicidal tendancies to a serious person are not simple and I like to respect those feelings to people who have these kinds of thoughts as i find myself relating very much to them. And I certainly would feel insulted if I got some generic cliche bullshit like a therapist gave me once...

    I like the personalised letters thing though, just don't write anything in them which shifts the blame onto other people. That would be dickish. But also I doubt you'll do that. This is all i'll add, face life head on, be it negative or positive, the world is harsh, we all know it. And best wishes to whatever the outcome may be and that you'll be happy with that decision.
  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your response - i'm not sure if it was intentional but i found it darkly humourous.
    I feel like anything I achieve is null and void compared to the basic peaceful and functional existance of my friends.
    I'm keeping it light hearted and just talking about happy memories but as my brain is non cooperative I can only remember them vaguely. fuck the brain, exucse my tone and language.
    I am not sure whether to confess anything and apologise for it. It would only make me feel better anyway. I'm trying not to bring up old conflict to have a solid apology to make, though I feel I should make one final apology for the hurt I've often unintentionally caused, out of stupidity or otherwise.
    I'm angling for the 'you're a great person (which is true), we had many happy memories, I'm sorry for any hurt that transpired but here's to a happy future'
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