saying what i don't dare say in life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fosty, Sep 22, 2014.

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  1. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    hello, my name is fosty and i'm new to this board. I'm currently undergoing very dark times. my life is miserable and i've made it so by my own inactions. i'm part of a spiritual community of really wonderful loving people and i feel nothing for them anymore. i'm the main events organizer for our spiritual retreats, which is a colossal responsibility, and all i want to do is retreat as far from the pain of being alive as possible. i can't reach out and i can't feel and i'm hurting. i believe i create my own reality and my reality is lonely, empty and joyless. so i create that because i'm too frightened to change. i've written a book but i'm so scared of rejection and failure i won't show it to anyone. i see love and i don't understand it and i don't feel it. the words are nice sounding emptiness and i want to be free of them. i'm cursed with extreme sensitivity and i feel the horrors that mankind perpetrates upon his own and every other kind and i'm ashamed to be human, and male, and white etc, etc. and i am so lonely, so cripplingly empty and joyless. i'm an irritating whining thing and i'm sorry. i used to be fun and make people laugh. hate life and its my fault
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you are oversensitive then you also can see the kindness in the world the acts that people do to help others that are suffering Mother Teresa and others who gave their lives to help others there is not only darkness in the world look outside the darkness ok and see the ones that carry the light
     
  3. Bashik

    Bashik Member

    Oversensitivity is a blessing and a curse, for sure. It made things hell when i was a little younger, but now it enables me to see the flaws in what many people believe is normal and socially acceptable behavior. I feel stronger than the average person, being as sensitive as I am. Empathy as a superpower, maybe? You say your life is miserable and it is your fault, but i doubt that. I believe that sometimes when we look back at decisions we made we only observe what we did not do and what we could have done. Never the good, always the bad. You should be proud of even being able to write an entire book. The longest story i have ever written was 30 pages, and that took me an eternity. The fear of publishing is not abnormal at all. Even a non-depressed writer would feel that. While it’s good that you can empathize with the various deplorable things humans have done and do, it is not good that you allow it to emotionally disturb you. Shame is for the guilty. Not the innocent. No need for you to feel guilty, unless you are the one who commandeered a genocide, or enslaved millions of people.
     
  4. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    I do try and you're quite right. But the depressed mind sees the toll of the dead bigger than the list of survivors
     
  5. FMyLife

    FMyLife Chat Buddy

    I don't really have any words at the moment, but stay well *hugs*
     
  6. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I know how irrational I'm being. yet I see myself tiny and insignificant against the crushing horror of this world. the loving acts seem so tiny and the distances between them vast. the void is massive and full of ugly thoughts and deeds.

    I've written 3 books so far. the logic being that instead of trying to get one published i go and write another one. not a bad thing but it's still deferring. I allow any rejection or criticism to destroy me and convince me of my own failure as a human being, never mind as a writer. I long for the bliss of not being anymore. but it's a selfish wish because i know i must continue with this wretched life year after miserable year growing old and sick and infirm cos that's what people do, they cling onto life with both hands, beyond reason, beyond sanity. i'm not afraid of dying, but i am afraid of long slow years of pain and solitude
     
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