scared, alone and feeling a failure

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by willgethere, Jan 16, 2007.

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  1. willgethere

    willgethere Well-Known Member

    I hope this is ok, it is one of my first posts.

    I am a mum of 3, which was ok, but I hate it at the moment, I feel such a failure for saying thta. I would never harm any of the children and they won't go without feeling loved etc, but it si much like hard work just wanting to be with them

    I have recently been raped by someone I thought was a friend after confiding in him that my relationship was going under big time and that 3 of my close relatives hae just died. I have self harmed for a while, but the urge is just to go further.

    I am on AD's and waiting for an appointment with CPN but I am really struggling. I am fed up of staying in, but cant face going out.

    I am in a mess and feel a total mess.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hold on hun, remember it's not going to really help you, you have your chidren to live for :hug:

    and welcome to the forum
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    It sounds like a lot is going on for you at the moment.

    Ok, first off, you are not a failure for saying that right now you hate being a parent. I bet there is not one parent out there that has loved it the whole time. It's slightly different but I have a whole hoard of animals (they are like my children as sad as that sounds) and there are times when I hate them all for silly little things. Again, I would never ever hurt them, but it is not easy to control how you feel.

    Do you know why it is hard work with them right now? Could you maybe get someone to look after them (obviously depending on their ages) for a bit so you could have some you time? Or maybe you could take them out and also take a friend of yours with you (who ideally has children) so all your kids can play together and you and her/him could have a chat? That obviously works better with younger kids. How old are they? There are also charities that can help if you child is of a certain age.

    Have you confided in anyone about the rape? If not is there a trustworthy friend you could talk to? Or maybe your GP? As hard as it might be, you need to be examined to make sure that he has not given you any STIs or anything. It will be handled very sensitively and you will be in control at all times.

    I am so sorry to hear about your relatives. Death of a loved one is never easy, but it gets so much harder when it is more than one person. Have you tried seeking bereavement counselling? Or anything of that form?

    It is good that you are on ADs and fighting your hardest against this. With regards to the SI are you looking for ideas to try and fight the urge? If you are then it is key to identify what emotion is bringing up your urges so that you can do something accordingly to release that given emotion.

    Did your doc say how long it would be until you got your CPN appt? I suggest you keep seeing your doc regularly in between now and then. Hopefully the CPN will refer you to a counsellor or therapist who will help you deal with all these issues causing you pain.

    With regards to going out, what is it that stops you? Maybe you could get a befriender from a charity like MIND and then go out with them? Or a friend that you trust?

    Lastly, please do not apologise for the post. You have reached out for help and that is a really good thing.

    If you want to chat, then feel free to PM me.

    Take care and keep fighting
  4. willgethere

    willgethere Well-Known Member

    thankyou for your replies
    I think what makes me feel worse than ever was that I had 2 very close friends and they were close too, and I shared all the pain that I was going through and it was comments like 'who would want to rape you' (I am very overweight) and then started to send rumours round that I was raped. Now I have quit all the groups etc as I darent go out. I am so ashamed.

    I think that I am finding my children hard because they are that arguementative stage with each other and cannot get on. My temper fuse is extremly short, although I tend to walk away and let rip away from the children, but they are always there. I have noone to take them from me at all. One of the groups I was in was surestart but I cant face them at the moment either.

    As for the rape I have told the dr, but she didnt really wanna know, she passed me to our local well womens clinic. I have had all the tests done, but am just waiting for all the test results back.
    I just cannot curve the SH'ing, it is happening more and more, my legs are a total mess tonight, I really am so stupid, but cant stop.

    I might try mind but not sure what happens, I am so frightened about talking to someone face to face, I am so unsure about the cpn. My so called friend put a stop to that. I darent let 'real' people know how I feel. I cannot ring samaritans as I work there and they would know it is me, That is the only thing that helps me through, knowing I can sit and listen to someone and know I could be helping someone.

    I really do not have anyone I can trust I dont even have a friend.
  5. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi & welcome to SF, I am sorry you have had such a bad time, it is a shame that your friends haven't been more supportive :sad: .
    I am glad you have found SF and here you will find many people who are willing to listen & to talk with you and in the process I I believe you will also make many new friends.

    Take care Hazel :hug:
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey honey.

    First off, very well done for telling someone about the rape, you are looking after yourself very well in that sense.

    I understand what it is like to be betrayed by the people who are supposed to be there for you, ie friends, and I am so sorry that they have done this to you. Again, I can relate to not wanting to see people because of this hurt (I too don't leave the house unless it is necessary for the welfare of my animals).

    I am hoping that you are in the UK because I can point you in some helpful directions if you are. I'm going to do it anyway on the hope you are, but I apologise in advance if you are not.

    Have you heard of the charity called Homestart? They have someone come to your home and help you with your children (if one or more is under 5). They can come and do whatever is necessary and it does not involve leaving your home. They help a range of different people for different reasons and if your children are this young, they could really help you, if you felt safe enough to let them. You might want to have a look at this link

    With regards to the samaritans, you know that there are branches all over the UK. Each branch has a separate number, as I am sure you know, and you could call up a branch no where near you, so that they would not know it is you. But even if you did call your local branch, it is highly unlikely they would know it is you because people sound different over the phone. you could also set up a hotmail account that you could use for contacting them, and use a fake name on it or something so it would be impossible to trace to you.

    You mention that your legs are a mess, have you cleaned and dressed them properly? Are you currently looking to stop or minimise your SI? Or are you still wanting to do it? I ask becuase if you want to stop it has to come when you are ready, and it would be detrimetnal to you for me to give you ideas on how to stop if you don't want to. It is ok to admit that you don't want to stop yet, but please make sure you are getting support from somewhere.

    You can e-mail your local MIND and tell them your problems and ask what they could offer you that could help. This is obviously done from the comfort and safety of your home and it still offers you the potential for help. Have a look at this link it will help you find your local MIND.

    You mention you have been out to the doctors. Is it that you can't go out at all any more? Or that you go out if you have to and make it as quick as poss? Are you scared of seeing people you know? Or people in general? Have you discussed this with the doc?

    Sorry for the long and rambling reply, and ending wiht loads of questions, hopefully something in there might help, and feel free to PM me if you want.

    Take care
  7. willgethere

    willgethere Well-Known Member

    Thankyou very much for your reply,
    Yeah I am in the uk and have heard of home start, but My home feels the only safe place for me. I darent let anyone in here. Thankyou though for suggesting it, i will bare it in mind next time.

    I am unsure what I want with the SH. I keep saying that I don't want to do it but then it seems to be my only reserve to sanity. I dont know if I am ready to stop or not. Not much use am I?

    I had counselling a little while ago, but funding ran out and it came to an end. I do manage to get to the dr's, but generally have telephone appointments as the gp knows that I don't like doing face to face. People frighten me now, I always think they know what is happening in my head, even though they dont.

    I do want to get straightened out and well again, but it just doesn't want to happen, as soon as I manage to climb one hurdle the next pops up to hit me in the face.

    I will try mind and just email them and see where it goes from there. Thankyou very much
    sorry for the rabble
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's ok to not know what you want, but it sounds to me like you see it as your only cping mechanism and are terrified of going without it. You say you are not much help, but you are communicating in a mature and educated manner and that allows me to respond to you, so in that sense you are helping. It can take time to figure out what you want, it may never come, but either way, it is normal.

    With regards to SI, maybe you could stop trying to stop (I am not encouraging it, just go with what I say and I will explain), which would hopefully relieve the pressure, but at the same time try and develop some other coping skills to run alongside (if you want some help with this I am more than happy to give you ideas), so that when you do want to stop you have them there ready at hand to help you. The removal of the pressure should allow you time to figure out what it is that you want. I hope that makes sense, what I am trying to say is by putting yourself in control so that you feel in control you stand a better chance at working out what you want.

    Just a thought, when you e-mail MIND see what therapists they have in the area, some will be free, and also will do online therapy, via e-mail or maybe msn or something (one of my friends had someone like that) so you might then be able to get some professional help and then when you feel safer, you stand a good chance at being able to leave the house.

    You know deep down that no one really knows what is going on in your head when they look at you. Turn it round the other way, do you know about their lives? what they are thinking? How they are feeling? Just from looking at them? It works the same for you, they don't know anything, unless you tell them.

    I know you don't like leaving your house, but if you come to a place where you are able, the homestart people will meet you somewhere neutral if that is what you prefer, like a kids playground, or a coffee shop or something like that.

    It's a catch 22, you can't leave your house becuase you need some help, yet you can't get that help until you leave your house (or allow someone in). So maybe, if you want to, a good way to progress would be to think about asking MIND what therapists are in your area and what they can offer, and then try e-mailing them to see what they might be able to offer you.

    'I do want to get straightened out and well again, but it just doesn't want to happen, as soon as I manage to climb one hurdle the next pops up to hit me in the face.'

    It is happening, becuase you are reaching out. By posting on here you have made a small step into beating this. It's a case of little baby steps all the way. Let me ask you this. How would you eat an elephant? You certainly wouldn't try and shove it in your mouth all at once, you would break it down into small tiny chunks and deal with it like that, and this is similar to how this needs to be fought. But you are fighting, and like you said 'each time you climb one hurdle', that shows you are climbing, and fighting and aware of it. You won't always be confronted by another hurdle, there is some flat ground out there for you, it's just getting there, and on your journey there you are becoming incredibly strong, stronger than you probably imagine.

    Urgh, it's long again, sorry honey
  9. willgethere

    willgethere Well-Known Member

    Thankyou once again scum(I didnt like typing your name, you are far from it)

    You have helped so much. It all seemed like a jumbled mess, but it is a little clearer, thankyou.

    You even managed a smile out of me LOL
    I must admit, never even contemplated eating an elephant before,! but yes I know what you mean, I think I am trying to leap before crawling, I just want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet and really enjoy my children like I used to. I used to be very independant and didnt take any grief from anyone!!! I think 'he' took that away from me.

    That would be very helpful, but don't waste time on it, I really don't want to bother you.

    I have just had a good scout round 'mind's' webpage, so I think that will be my next step.
    Thankyou so much
    hugs xx
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    *dances* I made you laugh. *is proud* lol, but seriously I am glad you get what I was trying to say by that.

    'He' might have taken it, but you can take it back by fighting him, which is what you are doing.

    I have PMed you about the other bit. I promise it is not bothering me at all, if I can help someone in any little way then it is worth it.

    Keep fighting :)
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