Scared! Am I in danger?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by danielestuart, Dec 8, 2013.

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  1. danielestuart

    danielestuart New Member

    First of all, I'd like to make clear that I don't hate life, not all of it anyhow. I love most people, especially kids and kids love me. I love nature and being outdoors.

    With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm a little scared. I don't want to die but my mind has been entertaining thoughts of suicide. I don't feel that I'm really a threat to myself yet but at what point does a person's brain take over? Will there be a time, if I let it continue, when I really won't have a choice but to follow it and kill myself? How do I stop it?

    Here's a bit of my story... I have these terrible reoccurring thoughts that I want to get rid of but don't know how. Although I've never been diagnosed by a doctor I know I have a form of social anxiety disorder. So many times throughout the day I think of stuff that I have said or did in the past that was really uncalled for or that made me look stupid and I just cringe. I don't usually mean to do or say these things then but it's like I'm just in the moment and it just happens. Like I have no control. And then later, sometimes years later, they still cross my mind and embarrasses the hell out of me. "Why did I do/say that?!" "What does people think of me?!" "Oh, god, I was such a dumbass!" "Stupid me!" are some of my most common thoughts which is always followed by "you know, there is one sure way to get these thoughts out of your head..." and then I have a mental picture of me ending myself.

    As I said earlier I love kids. They are most special in my life. I would never do anything to harm them either physically or mentally. As a matter of fact I strive to do just the opposite. I lift kids up and try to help them in life every time I get a chance. I donate my hair every few years. I love kids.
    But so often, usually late at night, my brain takes over and I see a kid in a situation that if I don't help them they will surely die. And never am I able to save them. They always fall off a cliff, get hit by a vehicle, smooshed by a train, etc... right before I reach them. And I spared you the gory details for in these scenarios they are always gruesome. Many times I am violently awakened from my sleep with these nightmares. And most always in these dream or thoughts it is I who has involuntarily put them in these situations. They get upset at me and storm away only to trip and fall into a pit full of rattlesnakes. <-- that is just one example.

    I do not like these thoughts at all!! I don't want to think them!! And again my mind is always telling me "you know, there is one sure way to get these thoughts out of your head..."

    I go through many bouts of depession because of these and many other reasons. I find myself isolating myself from the world so often.

    What am I to do? Am I in danger? Is this how people who commit suicide starts out? I am quite scared of what might eventually happen. What do I do? I hope someone can give me some much needed advice. Thank you so much!
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi danielstuart,

    first, i want to say welcome to the forums... i hope you will find it comforting here and that you will find it a safe place to unload. there is also a chat portion to this site wherein we all live chat with each other. i go there often, hope to see you there sometime too!


    next... i'm going to take your questions one at a time but in a slightly different order

    Is this how people who commit suicide starts out? Everyone's reason for committing or attempting is slightly different. There is no one specific reason. The main thing is the emotional pain gets overwhelming... so ask yourself if you feel overwhelmed by the emotions your thoughts are bringing to you.

    at what point does a person's brain take over? honestly, your brain is always in control of every part of you... but sometimes you can override it with sheer will power, that can be draining though, which is in part why people with mental illness get so weary feeling

    Will there be a time, if I let it continue, when I really won't have a choice but to follow it and kill myself? if you allow it to progress down this road, there will come a time when it becomes overwhelming and the more overwhelming it becomes, the easier it is to suicide or murder.

    Am I in danger? I cannot accurately answer that. Most mental illness is not just caused by emotion, or life circumstances (though it can be for some things) but also by our genetic make up. That is why you would need to see a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.

    How do I stop it? First thing you need to do is make an appointment with a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis... then once you know your diagnosis, discuss the best options for you. If you do not like the idea of taking medicine, for example... some people can be helped just through counseling and learning different thought patterns, or relaxation techniques, others may benefit from coping skills or from aromatherapy or from other different types of treatment... you can look on the internet and find a bunch of different methods from different kinds of counseling to yoga to accupuncture to different diets and excercises, etc... just depends what is rigth and acceptable to you. First thing though, is get the diagnosis... if they say you do not have any diagnosis, fine... go get counseling, no shame in it.

    Hope that helped... good luck and take care!
  3. danielestuart

    danielestuart New Member

    Thank you for the advice. I realize that this isn't much of a reply but I do truly appreciate it. Your time and your words. I will definately keep them in mind and see about taking the next step.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    doesn't matter how many words you use, as long as you convey your feelings, and i think you have :)

    i hope you will stay safe... and be good to yourself, you are a very good person with a lot to offer this world, and i believe that still has a lot in store for him too.
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