First of all, I'd like to make clear that I don't hate life, not all of it anyhow. I love most people, especially kids and kids love me. I love nature and being outdoors. With that being said, I'd like to say that I'm a little scared. I don't want to die but my mind has been entertaining thoughts of suicide. I don't feel that I'm really a threat to myself yet but at what point does a person's brain take over? Will there be a time, if I let it continue, when I really won't have a choice but to follow it and kill myself? How do I stop it? Here's a bit of my story... I have these terrible reoccurring thoughts that I want to get rid of but don't know how. Although I've never been diagnosed by a doctor I know I have a form of social anxiety disorder. So many times throughout the day I think of stuff that I have said or did in the past that was really uncalled for or that made me look stupid and I just cringe. I don't usually mean to do or say these things then but it's like I'm just in the moment and it just happens. Like I have no control. And then later, sometimes years later, they still cross my mind and embarrasses the hell out of me. "Why did I do/say that?!" "What does people think of me?!" "Oh, god, I was such a dumbass!" "Stupid me!" are some of my most common thoughts which is always followed by "you know, there is one sure way to get these thoughts out of your head..." and then I have a mental picture of me ending myself. As I said earlier I love kids. They are most special in my life. I would never do anything to harm them either physically or mentally. As a matter of fact I strive to do just the opposite. I lift kids up and try to help them in life every time I get a chance. I donate my hair every few years. I love kids. But so often, usually late at night, my brain takes over and I see a kid in a situation that if I don't help them they will surely die. And never am I able to save them. They always fall off a cliff, get hit by a vehicle, smooshed by a train, etc... right before I reach them. And I spared you the gory details for in these scenarios they are always gruesome. Many times I am violently awakened from my sleep with these nightmares. And most always in these dream or thoughts it is I who has involuntarily put them in these situations. They get upset at me and storm away only to trip and fall into a pit full of rattlesnakes. <-- that is just one example. I do not like these thoughts at all!! I don't want to think them!! And again my mind is always telling me "you know, there is one sure way to get these thoughts out of your head..." I go through many bouts of depession because of these and many other reasons. I find myself isolating myself from the world so often. What am I to do? Am I in danger? Is this how people who commit suicide starts out? I am quite scared of what might eventually happen. What do I do? I hope someone can give me some much needed advice. Thank you so much!