I found this forum by accident a little over a week ago. I was searching for a solution to my situation and when I began to read some of the posts that were written here my heart felt like it found a place where others could understand the pain that fills my heart. I have been married for ten years and I have a beautiful four year old son. My husband always had an issue with uncontrolled anger and rage, but they were isolated incidents and I would always excuse his behavior. But in the last two years his rage has become more and more frequent and he has completely focused that rage on me. I can't do anything right in his eyes and he yells and screams at me all the time. And sometimes he threatens me with physical violence. I feel like my home has turned into a prison. I have no family. My parents have passed and I am an only child. I am scared and alone. I cry all the time, but I have to hold it in in front of him because if I don't he becomes more enraged. He comes on to me sexually and if I don't comply he threatens to go find someone else, and when I do comply he treats me so badly afterwards that I feel violated. I tried talking to his sister, but she says he just has a really bad temper. She won't call him abusive, but I feel like I am being abused. I am experiencing panic attacks again. I use to get them after I graduated from school but got them under control by seeing a therapist. When my husband has seen me have a panic attack he laughs at me and says "don't think I am going to feel bad for you." He is so cold and cruel. I want to believe there is a good and loving man inside him. But how can the one person who promised to love and protect me for the rest of my life treat me as if I am nothing. He drinks a lot now and hangs out at bars. He says the most horrible things to me and than acts like I am crazy for being hurt. He even will deny saying those things to me. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know how I got here. I don't understand how my life has turned into this. Most days I just want to disappear. I want to close my eyes and not wake up because when I do wake up my life is a nightmare. But my son is my only bright light and I am trying to get strong for him. I feel like my spirit is shattered and that I am losing hope. But I read somewhere that when you feel like you are breaking down, that is when you are ready to break through. I hope that is true. I need it to be true because I am breaking.