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Scared and alone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Blueraven, Mar 10, 2015.

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  1. Blueraven

    Blueraven New Member

    I found this forum by accident a little over a week ago. I was searching for a solution to my situation and when I began to read some of the posts that were written here my heart felt like it found a place where others could understand the pain that fills my heart.

    I have been married for ten years and I have a beautiful four year old son. My husband always had an issue with uncontrolled anger and rage, but they were isolated incidents and I would always excuse his behavior. But in the last two years his rage has become more and more frequent and he has completely focused that rage on me. I can't do anything right in his eyes and he yells and screams at me all the time. And sometimes he threatens me with physical violence. I feel like my home has turned into a prison. I have no family. My parents have passed and I am an only child. I am scared and alone. I cry all the time, but I have to hold it in in front of him because if I don't he becomes more enraged. He comes on to me sexually and if I don't comply he threatens to go find someone else, and when I do comply he treats me so badly afterwards that I feel violated. I tried talking to his sister, but she says he just has a really bad temper. She won't call him abusive, but I feel like I am being abused.

    I am experiencing panic attacks again. I use to get them after I graduated from school but got them under control by seeing a therapist. When my husband has seen me have a panic attack he laughs at me and says "don't think I am going to feel bad for you." He is so cold and cruel. I want to believe there is a good and loving man inside him. But how can the one person who promised to love and protect me for the rest of my life treat me as if I am nothing. He drinks a lot now and hangs out at bars. He says the most horrible things to me and than acts like I am crazy for being hurt. He even will deny saying those things to me. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know how I got here. I don't understand how my life has turned into this. Most days I just want to disappear. I want to close my eyes and not wake up because when I do wake up my life is a nightmare. But my son is my only bright light and I am trying to get strong for him. I feel like my spirit is shattered and that I am losing hope. But I read somewhere that when you feel like you are breaking down, that is when you are ready to break through. I hope that is true. I need it to be true because I am breaking.
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    No matter what you have a family now, your son.
    Yes you are abused. The best thing you can do is take your son and run.
    It is scarey and hard but find a shelter and ask for help. You do not want your son to grow up like his dad.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    As they say...once an abuser, always an abuser. I don't know if that's fully true through personally but there's no doubt about it he is emotionally abusing you to the point of stress and distress, you need to get away from this person(i know that is easy for me to say,but i have gotten out of an abusive relationship myself). You seem like a nice person and do not deserve what he's putting you through. Would you consider going back to therapy? Is your son seeing or listening to this stuff? I am really glad you joined here and hope you can overcome this difficult patch.
  4. Have your self respect and plan on going on in life without him, once you decide things will work out.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. It's not nice you experiencing domestic volence. You are suffering from physical and mental abuse. You husband is controlling you through intimidation which is not nice. You need to be concerned for your safety and find a refuge for you and your child.

    I am so sorry for being realistic but the relationship can be become toxic. You are important and must not act on your feelings if you have any. The issue is that you feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time but that's not nice. Your safety is paramount to us. I apologise to the administrators for being realistic and no doubt will incur fraction points.


  6. Blueraven

    Blueraven New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. In my head I know I need to get out of this, but when he goes through his nice moments I feel in my heart that there is some hope that he will change. But his nice moments are short lived any more and I find myself losing every ounce of trust. When I posted the other day he had come down so hard on me that I felt like I was shattering and completely out of control.
    Yes, I am looking into going back into therapy, but I am not sure if he will stand in the way of it. He controls all the finances and makes me account for everything I do.
    I am also afraid of leaving him because I am not sure what he would do. I feel scared that he might become worse and come after me.
  7. Blueraven

    Blueraven New Member

    I want to thank everyone who has responded to my post. I know this forum will help me find the strength I need to change the circumstances of my life. I don't see how to do it yet, but I know somehow I can. I feel like there is some hope in my heart again. Thank you all so much!
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again bluerave,

    You are so very welcome, we will always be here for you, fighting this battle with you. As they say a problem shared is a problem halved and I believe that :) I just had a thought, perhaps he needs to get help for his anger issues, have you ever discussed that with him? Maybe mentioning it lightly may improve the situation somehow. Sorry you are going through this. We're here :hug:
  9. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    There is a lot of shelters for women in your situation and they will offer legal support. Make a quick search online and give them a call.

    I wish you the best :hug:
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