scared and confused

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ASolitaryBlue, Mar 16, 2010.

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  1. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    ive been dealing with undiagnosed depression for years... i was stopped from taking my life almost 6 years ago and ive done a good job at hiding how ive been feeling since then but lately its harder and harder to hide. im angry all the time and i cant find a reason to keep living. ive been catholic all my life and a while ago i stopped believing in god, it just doesnt make sense. i had made a plan with a friend of mine on hwo we would die together and that if one of us dies so will the other, but since then she has been trying to tell me to live. i dont want to and i dont know how to anymore. im in college but stuck living at home and i dont see a way out of everything im feeling. i totally lost it last night and if it werent for the rain outside and sleeping meds a friend gave me i dont think i would be alive right now... i just want to end everything but im too scared and chicken to even do that even though ive had multiple plans for years....
     
  2. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    i can feel myself losingit again as i type all i cant focus and all i can think about is how im gointo die how i wil do it i cant think im afraid im going to just act and then itll be too late
     
  3. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Trying to hide how you're feeling can make this even harder to deal with than it already is. I'm glad you're reaching out for help here; you never have to hide your feelings when writing these posts! I hope you have some caring people in your life with whom you can talk things out, but if not keep posting on here as there are so many supportive people on this site.

    I'm glad you are still alive, and I really hope you can find the courage to get professional help (you did say your depression hasn't been diagnosed).
     
  4. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    the friend i made the pact of sorts with has promised me shes dragging me to see her shrink, cuz shes already seeing someone and on meds, but i dont want to go. i dont see teh point of going if the purpose is to be honest and i wont be honest. theres no way im going to be honest and tell somone i want to die and yes i have a very good plan thank you so they can lock me up somewhere
     
  5. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    I'm not into guilt-tripping people, but suicide is almost indescribably painful for those who were close to the person. I hope you don't follow through with your plan, but yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to get locked up..... Hell, I haven't even gotten professional help (for a few reasons) and getting locked up is not something I want to have happen to me.

    You can always post on here though, secure in your anonymity.
     
  6. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    people always tell you that they need you and youll be missed but humans were made to survive and i cant help feeling that it doesnt really matter after all. sure id be missed initially but people move on life continues and after a while no one would remember me or miss me...
     
  7. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    You are correct that people eventually move on from tragic events, but it does permanently effect them. Plenty of people on here have lost loved ones (some to suicide) and they can tell you firsthand that they never just simply 'get over it' rather it is a long and painful process to come to terms with the loss.

    I've felt exactly the same way before, though, felt like it just didn't matter, so I understand where you're coming from. Depression is very hard to deal with, no doubt.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WHY WHY do you people think we will move on Why do you think we will get over it DAM IT you have never lost someone to suicide or else you wouldn't be making such a stupid idiotic statement. The pain is so deep it is like cancer it eats away slowly and deeply like a fffffff bleeding ulcer it does NOT go away we NEVER get use to it we BLAME ourselves I am tired now i am dying a slow death and if you ever cared about your friend you would go to the dam psychiatrist and get the help you need to get well got it. MEDs and Therapy work get you life back heal and live a long life with your friend a happy one together and stop the dam torment and pain ONLY YOU can do that. You may not be locked up there are no beds for that anyways probably just put you on meds and therapy just quit saying we will move on because we don't ahahahha
     
  9. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks violet for expressing how painful suicide is on those left behind.
     
  10. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    its true ive never lost someone myself but this same friend of mine attempted to kill herself this summer and for a while i thought i had lost her.....

    ive never been one to ask for help. find this site is a big deal for me. seeing a shrink is a huge deal, daunting and friggin scary. i was dragged to multiple shrinks a while back when my parents were informed i was suicidal. they didnt help and having my parents involved was awful. they were shocked and didnt know how to react and i don want them knowing this time.

    as for me thinking everyone will just move on if i die... i have issues with being too rational. i have friends, sure, but for me the concept of a friend or anyone who will always be there for you in unreal. i dont understand love and the attachment between people which would make losing them hurt so bad... i just dont see it
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your parents god helllllp them they don't know what to do that is why the tried to get you help You need to think of their pain i am tired okay you haven't got clue what you are saying about moving on not a ff clue the pain oh god just for get it if you don't get it you won't ever understand so why try.
     
  12. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    i know dying must bring pain to someone i just dont understand it all. this is why it doesnt matter. when you dont get it everyone just gives up on you anyway so whats the point in trying any longer? ill never get it and prolonging things here is just bringing in more people to get hurt when i leave.... i might as well just end it now
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2010
  13. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Sorry but, just because you don't understand the pain it would cause doesn't mean that it (or you) doesn't matter to them

    I am so sorry your parents don't know how to help, but why do you feel like you have to end your life? You came on here for a reason, I'm guessing you need support that you don't have in your life right now. So, how about talking about what's troubling you instead of just coming in with a seemingly predetermined mindset of suicide??? Please, let us help.
     
  14. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    It's only human to think that no one will care once you're gone, and it's only human for someone to delude themselves with those thoughts- However, it is very untrue. The loss of someone (As previously explained by violet.) is something that isn't just going to blow away in the wind, it's not something that can be forgotten like an old book. Sure, dust may collect, but the pain will always be there.

    It's not good to hide how you're feeling, even though I may be speaking as a hypocrite, all it does is may things worse in the long run. It makes emotional pain harder and when you don't have an outlet it'd become a very bad situation very fast.

    As Justsolost said please do let us help.
     
  15. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    thanks everyone. im sorry i know i can be hard to deal with thats why i dont usually end up talking about these things. although im kinda used to dealing with suicidal feelings its been getting worse, hitting me in waves usually at night when theres no one to talk to, and that makes it scarier. i know that there are people that care about me even though i try to convince myself otherwise- if theres no one that cares, its easier to die. and i know that leaving would cause them pain, even if i try to ignore it and i dont understand how all the emotions work.

    violet- thanks for telling it to me straight, i need a reality check sometimes and not a candy coated answer
     
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