Scared I'll chicken out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Apr 16, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I've had several attempts. My most recent one (towards the end of last year) was my most severe. I had smaller 'attempts' before that one, but that was the first I'd call serious. I swallowed about 70 pills - in my previous 'attempts' I had only taken about 8-10. But with that one it genuinely shocked me when I actually swallowed them all. And at that moment I knew I had it in me to go through with it. But then, about half hour to an hour later I started panicking, and ended up telling my step mother who called me an ambulance.

    I know deep down I have it in me to do it. But I'm scared that if I do it, I'll end up panicking as I wait. You could say "well why not jump off a tall building or shoot yourself, then there's no waiting", well aside from me having access to neither of those - it takes a LOT to jump or pull the trigger - but swallowing pills is easy.

    So now I'm in a situation where my methods (I have two, both being the obvious ones) both require waiting - time in which I'll likely panic and call myself an ambulance.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I hope you continue to fail or that you do chicken out. I would guess that anyone who cares about you would feel the same way. I'm not sure why you'd want to put them through this.
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I ll say something ive used your method and i tell you all ya doing is screwing ya insides up.No method is a good help is the best thing you can do for yourself please.I myself dream up great methods and really i dont really want to die i do in that moment of not thinking real rational but hey help is the best you will eventually see some hope and im a big believer of this now as ive and still am digging myself out of one huge bottemless hole but i will find the top.And you will have those up and down challenges im having one today but im thinking if i can fight i will be a stronger person.Please hang in there and keep chatting Take good care of yourself
  4. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying guys.

    I'm sat here with a knife in one hand and fresh cuts on my arm. Barely drawn any blood. When I was 15 and just going through a silly angsty phase I could draw more blood than this. I want to bleed out but I've made barely even what would be considered a cut. A bit of blood comes out, but they dry up within a minute. I feel stupid. I can't do it.

    I've also been stuffing my face, comfort eating. Gone from 136lbs to around 145lbs. I feel gross.

    No need to reply to this.. I don't even know why I'm typing it up. But whatever.
  5. Pogo I wish you fail in all your suicide attempts.. :hug:
    Pogo, your first post about some methods will trigger some people.
  6. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Sorry. The edit button is gone now so I can't remove the triggering parts.

    Anyway, I'm getting somewhere now. Guess I just need to build up to it, to increase my tolerance.

    I don't know what I'm going to do yet, so don't worry about me anyone.
  7. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I have an awesome method for you right now and it means doing something to yourself.Pick that phone up and get yourself some help.Keep posting here by all means but reach out to somebody dont put yourself through what your doing.And marathon is right be careful mentioning methods it can trigger maybe put a warning in title.Please though stay safe and try not to cut not worth it trust me.
  8. Pogo remember to update us about yourself.. We hoped to hear from you. You take care..:hug: if you cannot trust your own control of impulse, then go to the hospital for help or do what spidy has suggested.
  9. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Well, my sister will be home in 3-5 hours. If I haven't done it by then, I'll be safe, because I won't do it with her here.
  10. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Ok. I'm sat here with a bunch of new superficial wounds. Tried keeping my arm in the sink to stop them clotting but while it did stop that, the blood came out really slow so I'd probably have to sit there for a week before I even felt dizzy. I'm a failure. Feel like an idiot. I want to do it, but can't do it this way. Pills are ruled out too.
  11. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I can tell you one thing your not a failure you have actually done something for yourself without realising youve been posting here and getting this all off your chest.You are doing whats right reaching out and im proud of you and so glad to keep seeing your posts arise.Keep fighting and keep posting your doing well.
  12. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks spidy.

    I sent my keyworker a text this morning, saying I needed to see her. She asked if I would be ok till tomorrow. I said yes, though I'm not sure.

    Supposed to be working today but I haven't gone.

    I don't know what I'm gonna do. Just feel like I'm psychotic right now, and nothing is making much sense.
  13. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Just try hold on till tomorrow and keep posting here pm me if you need too i understand but well done thats great youve taken a step forward.
  14. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your nice comments today/last night. :)

    I've snapped out of it now. I think, given that I had recently (2 weeks ago) started taking anti-depressants, a side-effect was suicide ideation.

    Plus, I've put on some weight which I'm not feeling good about.

    My arm is sore as hell, and I feel so stupid over it. I hate being like that. Wish I'd just listen to very quiet voice at the very back of my mind.

    Still seeing my keyworker tomorrow. As well as my psychologist. Gonna tell (and show) them everything. Hope they don't cart me off to a psych ward now.. I've changed my mind about that.

    But, yeah.. I'm ok now. Still depressed, but somewhat rational at the moment. I felt psychotic before.. it's weird how I can suddenly shift and feel somewhat normal again.
  15. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Good on you im really happy you are feeling better.Well done too for reaching out and as always we are here to help.Keep posting to keep us informed how you get on tomorrow hope it all goes well.Dont be disheartened if they do think your in danger and put you in psych ward use that to have good rest and help avalable there but i think you will be fine
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