Scared of myself and how I feel?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cloudstrise, Mar 6, 2015.

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  1. cloudstrise

    cloudstrise Member

    I don't know how to really explain how I feel anymore. I guess I'll start at when I first started feeling really bad. About a year or so ago, I had become severely depressed, I have suffered from depression off and on my entire life, but about a year ago is when I first started self harming (cutting), and having suicidal thoughts. After about 6 months, my parents found out about my self harming because it had gotten so bad, and sent me to a mental hospital. I started feeling a little better in the hospital, but no more than a month after I got out, I started feeling as bad as I was before I went. My medicine still doesn't seem to be working, and I'm so tired of feeling like this. I feel like I can't go on anymore. I've tried my hardest for over a year, and nothing's gotten better. I kept getting told "There's light at the end of the tunnel" and if I could make it through this, I'd become a stronger person. But nothing's gotten better, if anything, it's gotten worse. I'm not any stronger than I was before, I still feel absolutely miserable. My grades are failing again, and I've gotten really behind in my homework. Nothing specifically has ever made me depressed, I guess it's just an accumulation of bad things that have happened to me. Right now, I'm dealing with having a long distance relationship with a girl who absolutely broke my heart before we got together. But it seems like no matter how bad I just want to forgive her, and let go of the past, I can't. No matter how hard I try, it's always in the back of my head. I had tried to confess my feelings for her, and all she said was "Yeah" and the conversation got really awkward, and a couple of weeks later, she got with her ex who she was with for a year and a half. She is my first girlfriend, and I feel so hurt by this. I truly love her, with all of my heart and soul, and I try to be the best boyfriend I can be, even though the soonest I can see her again will be over the summer, and god knows when after that. Her ex is taller than me, a year older than me, stronger than me, and I feel like he's better than me in every way. I have very low self esteem. And also, my birthday was on March 2nd, and the only people that told me happy birthday was my mom, brother, sister, one of the only friends I have (Who lives in a town next to mine, but I can never see him), and my girlfriend. I didn't do anything, or get anything for my birthday, and I spent it in my room alone, listening to music. Even though I don't feel like I have a ton to be depressed about, I just feel so freaking bad all of the time. Every day I feel like I can't make it to the next day. I have spent so many days wanting to just end my life. I've been cutting for a little over a year now, but I had stopped for almost half a year, but recently I resumed cutting again. I feel so disappointed with myself, but cutting is truly the only thing that helps even a little. My parents kind of freaked out when they found out, and they don't know I started again, because I started cutting on areas they can't see. I have a bunch of scars on my arm, and before I started cutting again, every day I saw them, and I felt ashamed, and felt worthless. All I've ever wanted is just someone to be there for me, but even though I have a couple of very close friends, and my girlfriend, they all live away from me. My girlfriend lives about 10 hours away, and my friends live an hour away. I never see anyone, and I don't have any friends in my own town. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It's been a year since I started feeling suicidal with very few breaks in that feeling, and I feel like I've tried my hardest, and I'm about to fail. Nothing gets better in my life, no matter how hard I try, it's like life just throws even more weight on my back. I try to be happy, and look on the bright side of life, but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I feel so worthless, and horrible about myself. I hate myself in every way. I'm ashamed I started cutting again, and I'm so freaking angry with myself that I can't just let go of when my girlfriend hurt me. And I feel like no one even cares about me, since I didn't even have more than 5 people tell me happy birthday. I don't feel like I have a reason to live. My grades are horrible now, I'm so behind in school, I have no friends, and I feel so horrible inside. I don't even feel like I know who I am, and I'm so scared of myself. I feel like I have no control over my emotions, and I don't want to die, but I feel so much pain I don't know how much longer I can keep living like this. I'm so disgusted with myself, and feel so ashamed and worthless... I just don't know. Even if I do have a reason to live, I feel like it's unfair for me to have to live so miserably. I'm just at my wits-end and I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I think that you severely suffering because the breakdown of your relationship and you cannot focus. It's very heart-breaking for you and especially at a young age. You have truly suffered for which I am truly so sorry to hear about. You are clearly struggling everyday and no doubt it's affecting your education.

    The first step of posting here is very important and you should be proud of that. It took a lot of courage. Dealing with hurt is hard but be reassured it should get easy by taking dealing with one day at a time. It's hard especially as it's your first relationship. You have to let go of your girlfriend, which is truly hurting you. There is nothing wrong in feeling hurt but your can release the hurt in many ways. You need to focus on something you like and gives you great pleasure.

    You are very young and one day you will find will find love with someone, but let's help you get you confidence back. You should try stop self-harming yourself like using ice cubes or elastic bands. The cutting might release the pressure you feel but the alternatives are less harmful and do not leave any scars. You should speak to you parents about your feelings as they truly care and would not like to see you suffering at such a young age.

    Perhaps you can speak to a school counsellor in private and perhaps that might help you get back on track on your grades. You have to be kind to yourself and deal with your feelings on a hour by hour basis. You could write to your girlfriend and explain that you forgive her. You can remain good friends and no doubt she would cherish your friendship over the years to come. I know it's going to be hard to let her you, but be strong.

    You will get over it in time but I plead with you not to do anything but stay strong and safe. Keep posting as we well you try our best to help you. Just think, like to others, you are not struggling alone in your heart ache, but someone somewhere is feeling your pain.
     
  3. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    Feeling for you, cloud. Hang in there. Maybe try telling your loved ones how you feel, if you're not comfortable with that, you could speak to a psychiatrist or your school counsellor.
     
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