Scared of Myself: My days are numbered

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by snowflakemeltsme, Jul 4, 2007.

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  1. No matter how I try or what I try I can not get a grip on myself. I am going to kill myself and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have the items needed for more than one method which only increases the chance of me succeeding. I keep playing with one method on and off by sedating myself but not to lethal levals yet. I want to die so much yet sometimes I think there is something inside of me that does not. I know there is no other way to stop the pain and to punish myself so death is the only answer. How do I just make it happen faster? How do I become my own executioner and just do it now? I am in so much pain and I feel so sad, so hurt, so betrayed, I cannot face life. I keep praying for the strenght to die, but just like God has not heard me for the last few years, he still does not hear me. I cant stop crying.
  2. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Dear snowflakemeltsme,

    I know exactly how you feel coz I am here in SF for the same reasons. I feel like I might just be able to find another reason to live and so I am here. And even so, I realize the thought of suicide cannot be erased just like that. In fact, I am not sure if I can hold on. Sometimes these feelings are extremely overwhelming and there are a few times when I feel like doing it but I know it takes too much of courage to kill myself and I realize its much more easier to kill someone that I hate than to kill myself.

    As I am writing this to you, I am feeling very miserable myself. I don't sleep well every night and I can't describe the loneliness I am going through each day. Some time ago, I cry myself to sleep every night and now it stop but I am not sure when will it happen again. I know it will happen. I just don't know when. I first thought of dying when I was 11. I thought its fun being in heaven but now being 23 and sickly I am still alive, I am not even sure if I am going to heaven after death. Maybe I don't have a place there.

    Please try to hang on, I know its hard but I guess thats all I can say. I am not a good talker anyway, but I hope it could help nonetheless. Cheer up!
  3. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member

    hi snowflakemeltsme. i think we're in the same situation. today i was thinking of killing myself which i have thought of many times before. i was unsure how to commit suicide in a painless way. so i searched online to find the best method to commit suicide. somehow i found this forum. u see, i'm a Christian also. unlike you who's afraid of God's punishment or whatever, i don't really care what God will do at all cuz i hate him! i hate him to bring me to this living-hell, i hate him for the loneliness and pain that i must endure every fucking day, i hate him for the emptiness in my heart that i desperately wants to fill, i hate him for not showing me hope and light for which i begged. there are countless times when i deny the existence of God in my mind, because if he exists, why would he place me in this shit-hole and make me suffer so much pain and loneliness, and why would he not show me hope and answer my prayers? to tell the truth, i don't wonna die, but it seems like i got no other choice. i know that i could go on if i have support from family and friends, but i have no close friends, and my family aren't helping either, they're just making things worse than before. it's like i'm all alone in this shitty world, wandering around without a purpose. today is July 4th, which is suppose to be a happy day, but i'm just staying home and wasting my life. i really don't know what to do, but i believe if we support each other, we'll make it. i know the world is still a good place, we are just in the wrong place and the wrong time. there are still good people out there that care for us, it's just we haven't met them yet. so for all people who are in same situation like us, let's keep supporting each other and make the world a better place ^^

    p.s. i feel a bit relieved after sharing my pain and thoughts >.<
  4. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member

    oh expressive_child, well didn't see u there. when i was writing my reply, u probably haven't posted it yet. well, i guess we're all in the same situation. i was actually stunned that so many people are like me who feels loneliness and pain everyday. i sometimes i cried, but i try not to because i'm a boy, and crying shows weakness, but i just couldn't help it. i almost cried when i wrote the reply, but i held it in. well, i hope we can support each other. let me know if u feel sad, i'll support u all the way. ^^
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