No matter how I try or what I try I can not get a grip on myself. I am going to kill myself and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I have the items needed for more than one method which only increases the chance of me succeeding. I keep playing with one method on and off by sedating myself but not to lethal levals yet. I want to die so much yet sometimes I think there is something inside of me that does not. I know there is no other way to stop the pain and to punish myself so death is the only answer. How do I just make it happen faster? How do I become my own executioner and just do it now? I am in so much pain and I feel so sad, so hurt, so betrayed, I cannot face life. I keep praying for the strenght to die, but just like God has not heard me for the last few years, he still does not hear me. I cant stop crying.