scared of myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angee, Aug 7, 2011.

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  1. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say or where to start, i took a big overdose about 3 months ago but the feelings and thoughts never subsided, my children are away visiting their dads, i have the means, a plan and soon the oppertunity but i am scared. Not of dying although the fact i'm not scared of death is unnerving, i am scared it will go wrong; i'll be found. How can i make myself shout for help? Even just for my kids? I feel nothing.... dead! I have told the crisis team but they gave me sleeping tablets and said as long as my 19 year old daughter and 21 year old friend are around then i am safe... but i'm not and that little voice that asked for help is getting so, so quiet!!!
     
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I think the only thing taking overdose of pills is going to do is, in the long run, make your body very sick. I'd figure most medications that we are prescribed really isn't going to kill you, but that doesn't mean it can't hurt you.

    My kids are my backbone behind the reason why I bother getting up every day and going on. It gets tough but I still keep trying. Just give yourself sometime to think about what it would do to them if you did kill yourself. Think about the impact of teaching your children that a method for coping with life is trying to kill yourself. You don't want that.

    What is making you so miserable? Is there something going on in your life or is it just the depression making you feel that way? I've been there in your shoes and I know what it is like to live every single day with suicidal tendencies. If it wasn't for having a chronic illness, I would pretty much be cured of depression. My point is, you can get past it. Your mind is not your own right now, the depression has taken over, your not thinking clearly, don't do something that your going to regret.

    I'd suggest going to therapy regularly and taking medication until you snap out of it. Whenever you feel like your actually going to take a step and do something bad, call 911, go to the hospital. Learning yourself techniques that are different than your usual habits of self harm will help you learn there are other ways to deal with this. It will help you handle it better.
     
  3. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    I have been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds for 10 years, about a year ago everything changed and i can't feel anything for the kids, i have talked to my daughter about how my overdosing hurt her and still nothing! it kills me that i cant feel for them they are my world, well they was. i go to therapy with a hospital pschologist once a fortnight, my cpn comes out once a fortnight, i see a consultant at the hospital and i see the crisis team. I thought i would feel guilt for my last overdose instead i felt angry because thy saved me! that feeling hasn't gone away! i have had problems since i was sexually abused as a child but its been one thing after another and i have tried everything.... its just not getting any better! i have read all sorts of horror stories about overdoses gone wrong to put me off but all i did was research other methods for if it doesn't, it should i have plenty of tablets and a cocktails mix of them, its more if im found too soon again.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Angee and welcome...if you are really in crisis, please go to the ER and tell them that you need help...we have to be such strong advocates to get what we need...also, please establish a support system for yourself here...when that voice is too weak, there are ppl who you can contact and they will remind you how valuable you are...do not give up the fight, you are worth it..big hugs, J
     
  5. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Thank you sadeyes, i am due to see the crisis team again today so i am hoping they will do something, i can't live like this anymore, they have to do something x
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please make sure they do...call your GP, or your therapist, and make sure you get care...as I said, in health care, the squeeky wheel does get the oil...they give you services just to get you off their backs, if for no other reason...so make a fuss if you have to and make them do their jobs...please let us know how things turn out...I will be thinking about you...J
     
  7. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i have told them, i have had 4 assessments, they gave me sleeping tablets and my consultant is on paternity leave! i am going to try again today i have a friend coming down to be with me.i have to at least try again... for my kids x
     
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are right...you have to keep at it until you are heard...refuse to leave until you get what you need...they are not treating you if that is what they gave you, and you deserve much better...glad you have someone going with you to reinforce your requests..Demand that they do their jobs...you do not need to be popular now, you need care...all the best, J
     
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I wonder.. if there is any way that how your feeling could be a side effect to taking anti-depressants for 10 years, the lack of feeling anything for anyone. Ask your therapist if that is possible. Those medications can work great for some people, and then there are some, that it can cause all kinds of problems for. If I take anti-depressants long term, they make me cry without reason, and I get really depressed. Lexapro is the only one that worked for me, and it gives me almost immediate relief from stress and anxiety, but I still can only take it on a as needed basis. I think there are still some feelings there for your kids even if you feel like there isn't, because you are wanting to try for them, that means something.

    The anti-anxiety medications, if your taking stuff like valium or klonopin, those are depressants, which means taking long term can cause depression. My doctor made me stop taking them a long time ago, it was pretty hard on me at first, but I'm glad he did that. I didn't conquer my depression until I stopped taking valium and all antidepressants. I don't know why that helped, but it made a difference. Therapy helped too. I also came to realization that I didn't want to be that way, and that I had the power within me to make things better. Now I only get depressed if I am really down sick. Otherwise, I cherish my life. I want to be here for my kids. I want to be able to see my grandchildren when they have kids. I want a career, likely in medicine, it's something I haven't been able to persue, but I hope in the future, that will change. Life is what you make of it, you only get one chance at it, and you need to try to be happy.

    I'm sorry that you was sexually abused as a child. Whoever did that to you, I hope they had to pay the price in jail. Anyone that would hurt a child, needs to burn in hell. My ex-husband did me that way after we divorced, I had post traumatic stress, they treated me with Buspar for awhile, and it eventually helped. I've been able to forgive and move on from that. I believe he was just hurting because we got the divorce, and he would have taken any sick methods necessary to get me back. Believe it or not, we are friends now. He's the father of my daughter, so no matter what happened between us, I thought it was necessary that we get along for her. He's not such a jackass anymore. When I lost my home over being sick and not being able to work, he let us move back in with him, I have my own room, we aren't back together, and we usually get along just fine. I know that seems like a weird situation but I kind of think of him like I do anyone else in my family, because he is my daughter's dad.

    I hope you can get past all that horrible stuff that happened to you in your past, get to feeling better, and get past this horrible state of feeling suicidal. Life can be hard on all of us, but there are still many things about it to apprieciate. So hang in there.
     
  10. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    The crisis team won't see me today cos my consultant wants to see me tomorrow! At the moment I am on mirtazapine, fluoxetine, buspirone and zopiclone, they have said about changing my meds but they r waiting for my mood to lift! I'm not very good at standing up for myself I get so nervous and clam up so my friend says a lot! But I know I am being sectretive and starting to lie. Such a big part of me doesnty want help cos they'll stop me and the rest I'd finding it so hard to say
     
  11. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    it was my father and no he didnt go to jail even though he abused my aunt too! i just realised 15 weeks ago today i overdosed and died three times! i was so angry when i came round 3 days later in icu, i couldnt believe they had saved me!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
  12. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    ifeel so so... i dont even know the word... awfull, bad, really shite! i dont know if i want help or if tonight will be when i finally get a chance to do it right! my head is going crazy... like i'm at the last hurdle and my heads arguing i cant handle this
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Your father was a peice of shit. Don't let him ruin your life. I think, if I were in your shoes, I'd make sure that bastard paid for it one way or the other. Pressing charges preferably, but if that didn't work, and I was honestly going to end it all, I would make sure he got some good old fashion payback first. If anyone ever did that to my daughter, I'd kill them dead on the spot. I hope you have had your mom's support throughout this. My neice was in a situation where her step dad tried something with her, and her mom never believed her. She lost her relationship with her mother because of this. Needless to say, I can't stand my sister (twin to beat it all). I tried to get them to go on the steve wilko's show with me & let the truth come out, and wilko's said they would do a lie detector test on him but couldn't on my neice because she's underage, and they both refused to do it, but my neice was more than willing to. I am sorry your father did that to you. He should have been protecting you, not hurting you. I wish I could be there and just give you a big hug right now. I really wish you wasn't hurting so bad.
     
  14. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    we tried to press charges but my mum said i was lying and i was only 13! needless to say me and my mum dont get on too good! i wish i had the guts to go and do something to him before i go but id be too scared of being caught and being forced to live, banged up in some prison no way to end it and he's not worth that
     
  15. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey angee

    I can see Wales from my home - I think you might need a couple of tiles replacing on the roof - or is that next doors? I joke! I can see the hills of Wales - and it looks nice over there. I hope at least you live in a decent area were people are nice to each other. I do know Wales has some beautiful places and I hope you see them.

    Maybe ten years of meds have got to you a little. They are powerful things - and whilst they might 'work' for many - I think its difficult to take just one let alone combinations of 3-4. Sleeping pills also - do take a toll.

    At least you have a friend to go to the docs with you. My doc is cool but out of 15 resident GPs who do shifts - he is the one I bond with. The other 14 - I actually dislike several who are snobs pure and simple. Looking down on unemployed and poor people.

    I also wonder if you claim ALL the benefits you are entitled to? Hope so - its hard enough without not having money to live OK on.

    Your kids love you - and its so hard for mums who feel depression to cope at times. We do have many here - so reach out a little - become friends with other woman like you. Hope the dad is ok - at least he is in touch with the kids - and I hope that is something for you to be grateful about unless he was a rat?

    Even a hurtful remark off a father can hurt a child. Abuse, sexual abuse, is horrible - but many woman survive this and meet a man who is decent and principled. Its winning that trust I guess - but your still young and should enjoy life and keep your dreams alive there. Abusers do NOT take that part of you that you give willingly in an act of love.

    Any work or education you might be able to do?

    I know the Tories are trying to steal everything from us - but don't worry, London is burning now - I guess the government will back down or see the UK on fire. Their choice. They have more to lose!

    So hope things can improve a little - its hard I know but you have your children - a home, a life that is possible.

    Good luck and hope you take things day by day and try to walk more - exercise, get a out a little even if its just a cup of a tea and a smoke or something.

    Regards.
     
  16. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i have been on lots of different meds but the mirtazapine and buspirone has been about 3/4 years maybe, the fluoxetine has been 15 weeks and the zopiclone about 2 weeks i think. i dont know if im worse on them because i cant remember ever being well or even what i was like before i started antidepressants! i'm gonna have to answer in bits cos i keep forgetting what you wrote sorry x
     
  17. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i live in the rhondda valleys, it is a beautifull area. I have doctors at my practise, my consultant is very patronising! i was so nervous waitingfor a crisis tean i came up with a song lmao see his name is palmer and i called him patronising palmer so it became dr pat, dr pat, dr pat is a patronising t***! to the tune of postman pat! i have a sick sence of humor when my heads bad! I have four kids with two fathers who live about 150 miles away. They have the kids 3 times a year. They are not supportive at all; both of them hurt me and had affairs, i don't trust anyone now... not really! i keep making myself go out even if its just to the local shop, i feel trapped in my head between telling them 100% honestly what i plan to do and when and stop myself or not! its driving me crazy!
     
  18. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    For me, that was a learning experience. I don't lack trust with men, but where I wasn't treated right, it made me become able to spot out really nice guys, and believe it or not, they do exist. Not everyone is a cheater. You've just had bad luck in that aspect of your life. That doesn't mean prince charming won't come your way. If you decide to stick around, don't close the door and give up on that. Love can be a precious thing if you can just find the right person to share your life with.

    4 kids, must keep you on your toes quite a bit. I only have 2 but double that, I would probably be out of my mind. I am sure that's hard not having any support from their fathers.

    I wrote something myself yesterday, I was just a bit angry at my daughter's dad.. Well you might find it funny, you may not, but I'll share my ignorance:
    Everyone should not be created equally because men are retarded. :yay:
     
  19. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    soz i didn't repl i ended up getting help and being admitted on tuesday, home now! so true what u said about men being retarded lol, i dont want the hastle of a relationship at the mo anyway, i'll check out your post tomoz hun, i'm exhausted x
     
  20. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm really glad you went and got help. That's great. I hope you feel better.
     
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