I wonder.. if there is any way that how your feeling could be a side effect to taking anti-depressants for 10 years, the lack of feeling anything for anyone. Ask your therapist if that is possible. Those medications can work great for some people, and then there are some, that it can cause all kinds of problems for. If I take anti-depressants long term, they make me cry without reason, and I get really depressed. Lexapro is the only one that worked for me, and it gives me almost immediate relief from stress and anxiety, but I still can only take it on a as needed basis. I think there are still some feelings there for your kids even if you feel like there isn't, because you are wanting to try for them, that means something.
The anti-anxiety medications, if your taking stuff like valium or klonopin, those are depressants, which means taking long term can cause depression. My doctor made me stop taking them a long time ago, it was pretty hard on me at first, but I'm glad he did that. I didn't conquer my depression until I stopped taking valium and all antidepressants. I don't know why that helped, but it made a difference. Therapy helped too. I also came to realization that I didn't want to be that way, and that I had the power within me to make things better. Now I only get depressed if I am really down sick. Otherwise, I cherish my life. I want to be here for my kids. I want to be able to see my grandchildren when they have kids. I want a career, likely in medicine, it's something I haven't been able to persue, but I hope in the future, that will change. Life is what you make of it, you only get one chance at it, and you need to try to be happy.
I'm sorry that you was sexually abused as a child. Whoever did that to you, I hope they had to pay the price in jail. Anyone that would hurt a child, needs to burn in hell. My ex-husband did me that way after we divorced, I had post traumatic stress, they treated me with Buspar for awhile, and it eventually helped. I've been able to forgive and move on from that. I believe he was just hurting because we got the divorce, and he would have taken any sick methods necessary to get me back. Believe it or not, we are friends now. He's the father of my daughter, so no matter what happened between us, I thought it was necessary that we get along for her. He's not such a jackass anymore. When I lost my home over being sick and not being able to work, he let us move back in with him, I have my own room, we aren't back together, and we usually get along just fine. I know that seems like a weird situation but I kind of think of him like I do anyone else in my family, because he is my daughter's dad.
I hope you can get past all that horrible stuff that happened to you in your past, get to feeling better, and get past this horrible state of feeling suicidal. Life can be hard on all of us, but there are still many things about it to apprieciate. So hang in there.