So... several things are bothering me. I have chronic pain in my back and my hip (because of untreated scoliosis)... and now the other side of my hip than the one that usually acts up is hurting... And why is it hurting? Because I spent the last two days cleaning my flat... And why did I have to do that? (other than the fact that a clean flat is a nice thing?) Well tomorrow I am expecting a man to come to check my radiators. It happens every year and I absolutely hate it. I don't like strangers, especially not in my flat... my flat (apartment) is my safe place where I hide from the world... I rarely open the door for the mailman even if I'm expecting a parcel I'm looking forward to... My heart is always in my throat if someone knocks on the door, or I hear footsteps in the hallway close to my door... And tomorrow I have to sit around and wait for a stranger to come into my home. And it's always a man... I am extra scared of men. The last few years I've left my door open as he comes in to check... it only takes a few minutes for him to read the numbers with his thing but I always hate it. I leave my door open for the worst reason... just in case something bad happens perhaps people could hear me scream if the door is open... or the security camera could film something. I hate having to think that... logically I know not every man is a rapist who can't control themselves. logically I do... but yeah, say that to my PTSD. I also have some stress induced OCD tendencies... the worse my stress and/or anxiety leve is the more order I need. When I worked at the hospital I stayed 20 minutes after my shift ended to place everything in a specific order... and one morning when the cleaning lady had moved everything I actually started crying. ... and for those 3 hours waiting on him I have to move the table that is standing next to one of the radiators... it is going to stress me out so bad. And on Friday I am going to a movie marathon at my friend's house with some other people, I know half of them... the others are strangers... the people I know are my best friend, her boyfriend and another guy... then there will be 3 other girls. I am not scared of the other guy, he's gay so in my head he's marked as 'safe'... but my best friends boyfriend gave me a bit of a scare without realizing it last time I slept on their couch... I woke up early in the morning and he was walking around in a towel for some reason. it was just silly... and I don't think he realized I even saw him. The last 3 months or so the only people I have seen have been my family (ugh), my therapist and people in shops... I haven't been social at all... and I worry I'll be awkward. It's such an irrational thought in a way... The setting couldn't be better. It's a Doctor Who marathon she's hosting, that and Sherlock are my main obsessions. I can always talk about those things... and the 'other guy' and I both crush on the same actor... so there's plenty to talk about there... And even better... my best friends are usually geeks, nerds, punks and other people who don't always 'fit in' with the more conventional society and therefore know not to judge others for being different... I am looking forward to going... but I'm just so scared. And... it's a sleep over thing... what if I have a bad nightmare? What if I talk in my sleep? Can I even sleep? What if I panic on the train if someone has to sit next to me because the train gets full? (my rapist used to find me on busses and sit next to me... so it's a bad trigger for me)... I've tried to place my bags on the seat next to me but people just move it (which quite frankly pisses me off too, anxiety or no).