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Scared Really Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tina 2009, Sep 9, 2009.

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  1. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    Wow I can’t believe I found this just using a search engine. I didn’t know what to expect from this forum or why I am writing this all down. My name really is Tina and I am scared . I know the where, what, time act.
    Maybe this is a last ditch effort to change my mind.

    From the beginning………I have always been taught that I shouldn’t have lived. I was an accident that I lived. My dad had beaten my mother up when I was inside of her. I came in this world already broken.

    I had a tortured childhood life. I don’t use that world lightly. Some of those things are better left un said. I have 2 kids that are totally messed up and I believe they shouldn’t have been born. I now know me not being around will help them in area I can’t. I was married 11 years to there father and was a victim of every kind of abuse known.

    I dealt with that for 11 years. Still do….. I divorced that monster and married a prince. I have health issues, 2 strokes, migraines, severe pain in lower back and in my hands, feet & arms. I found out this past June I have diabetes. It is not under control. I am suppose to inject insulin 3 times a day and take pills 3 time a day.

    15 months ago I was under medication and had up & downs but got through it. Not this time though. Lost that ins. Couldn’t get new ins. ( Declined )

    So for the last 15 months my mind has been digging & digging and now I am trapped.
    I could go on & on but I won’t. I know I am lost. If someone else reads this then maybe just maybe a life can be saved, just not mine.

    I have saw every kind of therapist there is. I have been on & off medications for years & years. Bottom line is if you don’t have ins. Your screwed. I know because I live with this stuff daily. Bills are piling up, probably will be losing my home.

    I really do believe I did my part…….I tried to find help for me. There just isn’t any out there. I am sorry for those I am going to hurt. (very few )
    Thanks for reading this. It took a lot of courage for me to do this.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. There are many here who will provide you with support. Welcome to SF.
  3. jeannate

    jeannate Active Member

    I will say the best therapy is to be able to vent your feelings to others and here you can do that. I know how it gets with people you know, they get sick of hearing about your pain and you need to talk to someone. It isn't that these people don't love you or want you to die, they are just at a loss to help you. But here there are many people willing to hear what you have to say. I am very sick as well. I have Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Asthma, Migraines, chronic sinus and UT infections, and I had a severe injury to my lower back. I had one surgery and they want to perform more, fat chance. I also have chronic neck pain that requires surgery and is probably the reason for my migraines. Believe me, no one is better off without you. Suicide isn't a gift to anyone. It wouldn't help anyone you love. Sometimes the pain gets unbearable and people succumb to the pain and do commit suicide. But it is better to rally against that desire, to fight that feeling. I try to and I know how difficult it is to do but if I did commit suicide I would hurt some very important people in my life. And although living is hard for me, I can't bear to put those people through the pain of my suicide. I suggest you try and think about that, because no one will be better off if you die. No one.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2009
  4. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    The first thing i would like to say is, Welcome to SF...and you definitely came to the right place. Im sure that you can find someone else here who has been through the same things you have (not all of them, obviously...but talking to many different people will help). I hope that SF can help you...its really helped me. If you ever want to talk you can PM me, ive been through alot of the same shit you have and I'm here whenever you need me *hugs*
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    PUBLIC OPTION TO THE RESCUE! NO B.S. PUSH THAT PUSH THAT PUPPY RIGHT ON THROUGH- you yellowbellied crawlers that plan to smash this
    go take a walk!
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are struggling is there no way to get assistance from where you live. Call someone about getting emergency assistance for your health as well Have you called to get welfare disability assistance anything. I hope you children know they are not mistakes as you were not a mistake you are here and your children need you and love you Please know we care and you are not alone anymore. Call community groups and see what they have to offer YWCA shelters for abused women they can help as well. take care
  7. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    Well you hit some of it right on ! I have come right out and said over & over to my Mom, husband & children I was saying good bye. They don't want to deal with MY problems on a daily basis. My husband just doesn't want to believe what is happening. He try's hard to make me happy. I gave up on what's a happy a long time ago. The guilt I have on what I am putting them through is bad but I know they really would all be better off if I was gone.
  8. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    Yes and I felt this was my last effort...........never applied for assitance before. Even when my ex-husband closed all accounts & took everything, I worked 2 jobs to support my babies.Now that I NEED this help......I am jumping through hoops and quite honestly the paperwork is very overwelming. My husband filled it out because I just simply can't handle it. I got a letter saying denied. I can file an appeal..........I don't have that kinda time.

    I am also waiting to hear from social security. That takes 4 to 5 months but I will probaly be denied. 60 % of people get denied.

    I have never told my kids they were a mistake. I do keep some things to myself. They don't even know about my childhood.
  9. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Tina I would like to welcome you into our little world. i hope you can find some piece in knowing you have people who know what your going through at your fingertips. i have read your story and you have my condolences if you ever feel that you want to talk my private channel is always open send me a message and i will reply should you want me to. your are very brave to come here and open up like this, i do hope it helps ease some of your pain to let it all out.

    and as for being an accident, well some of the best things to come into this world were accidents now, where they not? and i have one more thing for you to think about.

    every being to exist has impacted every other being on this earth in some way shape or form, its called the butterfly effect, so should you have not been born well that's 6.5billion lives just in humans alone to feel the impact of the butterfly effect from you! now you cant pass that off as insignificant.
  10. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    Thank you for the kind words. I do try to think about " other " stuff. The difference is this darkness is consuming me. All I have been doing is planning for that day, that's why I am scared. I wish I could know who I impacted. Some accidents are better then others. :(
  11. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Dusk onto the day
    from night into the light
    ill lend a guiding hand
    ill help with your flight

    ... *amateur poet*

    i can tell you you have moved me to do another work of writing i think that is how it will start. and thus goes the butterfly effect you impact me and now i use this experience to impact another and so forth. and anyone that benefits from this you can say, i helped to help. that's why I'm still here maybe it can help you.

    now to finish this work. it will take some time and loving attention but ultimately that's all the world needs.
  12. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    You made me cry. I think in a good way. Thank you. Beautiful poem.
  13. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Dear Tina

    I am so sorry that you've been through so much, I also get scared when I think about suicide, please don't do it, you've come this far, I am always here if you want to vent out, just take it day by day, we'll be here for you :arms:
  14. Tina 2009

    Tina 2009 Member

    It's getting real. I have a appt. this afternoon with a lawyer. I am changing my will. Date getting closer. I don't see any hope, not sure how to get my mind to focus on something else.
  15. jeannate

    jeannate Active Member

    I know it feels like they would be better off, but the suicide of someone you love, especially a parent is very traumatic. Believe me I am not trying to preach to you about loving life or anything. I get those same feelings and sometimes it is so hard to get out of that mindset. I have sat many times with my loaded gun in my mouth wanting to pull the trigger. I know how hard it is to not kill myself sometimes. Often it feels like I have no one to talk to about it, and I really don't. I feel like such a wet blanket and I hate pretending to be fine when I feel like hell. I feel like I have to put up a fake act just to make people feel comfortable and I just hate it. That is one of the worst things because people can only tolerate so much of hearing about your problems. I feel often like people are thinking to themselves, "Well quit threatening it and just do it. Shit or get off the pot." But it really isn't a threat to illicit sympathy from people. I am not whining, oh poor me. But the pain can be so unbearable at times and I get so limited with what I can do. I feel useless and worthless because of my limitations and it just makes me so depressed. I try to think, well at least I can still walk, I am not blind or deaf, etc. but pain is very hard to deal with, whether it be physical or emotional. Honestly that feeling of worthlessness is what makes me want to die the most. I am not looking for pity from people, I sometimes just need to vent and with my real life friends and family I can't. They just keep telling me to think positive, but when you are in constant pain and can't do anything or motivate yourself to do something, you can't think positively. I think what is the most painful about their reactions is that they don't seem to understand that I can't will myself to feel better. I can't pretend to be happy and healthy and then magically feel that way. As much as they like to think you can will yourself out of depression, you just can't. It is the most annoying thing to hear someone say something like just think positive or it will get better soon. They say that and don't realize it doesn't help when you are seriously depressed. I should go to a therapist and I would suggest you do that as well, but I don't have a vehicle now. I couldn't afford to keep my vehicle and it was repossessed. And I am in an area where the bus doesn't run close by enough for me, I would need to walk too far. And frankly, sometimes therapy can bring up painful memories. It does help, but it is a long term commitment. There is no immediate relief and that can be frustrating too. I hope you find some peace, but do think about your family before you do anything. They may be tired of dealing with your sickness but they won't feel better if you die. I know it is easy for me to say that and not so easy for you to believe, but it is the truth. It is hard to get out of that mindset when you feel that way, believe me I know. I don't know how your experience is, I can just go on my experiences so I won't say I know everything you are going through, but I can relate to many things that you have said.
  16. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Tina, I'm so sorry! My earlier thread to you was meant for another post.

    I've read everything here and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope you don't go through with it but I understand what you're saying.

    If there is anything you want to talk about, please send me a private message.
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