Scared, scared, scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bluhbluh, Jan 1, 2013.

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  1. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    Hello. I am a 20 year old failing college once more.

    I'm a complete failure. I have been feeling very depressed for 2 years and started feeling suicidal a year ago after my family and I had to move states because of drug-war related security issues (I do not live in the US). This is not the first time I've been suicidal and I attempted suicide twice at 12.

    I have failed my 1st college semester twice and am about to fail it once more. Concentrating on anything is extremely hard, getting out of bed makes me feel like I'm fucking Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. I move like a snail, I binge eat or just starve myself when getting out of bed seems impossible. Headaches come twice a week, I keep getting nightmares when trying to sleep and my beloved 16 yr old dog died in a bloody, gory mess 10 days ago.

    I hate the place I live in, I've driven people away, I have what I think (but am not sure) is a toxic relationship and I have disappointed my parents completely in my failures in college.

    Tomorrow they will find out about how I've failed college once again. I'm afraid this might push me over the edge. I'm too scared of my parent's reactions. I relapsed into self-harm today (last time I self-harmed I was 15).

    It's kinda been a lifelong struggle with depressive feelings and stuff. I have trouble distinguishing depression from my own foul personality nowadays.
    At times the depression takes a backseat in my life I can feel at the top of the world and like I can do anything I want, a burst of energy from nowhere. I often end up crashing hard after that high.

    I'm not sure what I could do. I've fucked up thrice and I've been feeling very blue since two years ago nearly everyday.

    If people here have been able to get through suicidal feelings and depression without therapy or medicine I'd love to know. Also, if anyone has been able to recover from this type of failure in college, I'd also love to read bout it. I want to get better somehow and currently therapy is unavailable to me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Therapy is available at your college talk to you coucilor there that is their job hun to help students who are not doing well. Sometime school is not for everyone h un you can get a trade go down a different path but the councilor at your school can help guide you that way hugs
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