First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I think all of you are so brave to reach out and share your feelings. What scares me to death is that much of what I hear many of you saying is the exact same thing my son says on a consistent basis. My life sucks. You don't understand me. I wish you understood me. Nobody likes me. I'm stupid. I'm embarrassing, I'm ugly (he's an absolutely gorgeous 13 year-old boy with dark blonde hair and bright blue eyes). He first revealed a plan about a month ago. I took him to the ER at Children's hospital. Their beds were full, and so I followed an ambulance to what I will politely call a "facility", which was supposed to be the same thing, then realized how bad things are at "facilities" and literally camped out in my minivan, calling the police and raising all kinds of holy he&* until they released him three days later to be rid of me. His plan was to kill himself on his birthday. I still had two days. I took him BACK to Children's ER, got a bed this time, and they are currently about to release him from the daily outpatient program he has been going to every day. I am scared to death. What he doesn't understand, and perhaps what some of you might not realize, is that this child is my OXYGEN. I cannot live without him. I check on him at night to make sure he is breathing. I search his room for knives. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am taking powerful medication just to deal with the reality of the situation. I dropped out of college, where I was a straight A student. He is sad. He has always been sad. It is almost unbearable. He has a big TV, a Wii, nice clothes to help him feel like he fits in, cable, toys, us, it doesn't matter. A lot of his problems stem from how he feels he is perceived at school. He feels he is bullied. Some of it is legitimate, but some of it is his perception that almost anything someone says is a slight...he is so tuned in to the negative that he absorbs it all, as opposed to being able to brush it off like most kids. He is my oldest son and my biggest mystery. I would die without him. Literally die. If he killed himself, I would want to die so that I could be buried with him and never leave him. I have thought about this many times. It breaks my heart and makes me so, so unbelievably sad to hear from so many wonderful people on this forum who want so badly to die. Yes, life sucks in many ways. We all know this. It is a fact of life. It is what you DO with it that changes everything. We do lots of silly and impractical things, just for the heck of it, when things get tough. We use it to laugh in the face of reality when it gets tough. We turn to humor and get stupid. If we survive the summer, I am terrified about middle school. I almost want to pull him out and say, to heck with school, lets just do things and learn from life. Would that be me being a responsible parent? I don't think so. It will limit his success in life and he can use that as a trigger later. Do I make him deal with the issues at school? More of a trigger. I have gone from being a vibrant, successful person to the subject of 9 inch-nails "Down in it". I am more medicated than he is. My husband is now on Xanax to deal with the pain. We have become a medicated family in order to go on. If he falls, we fall. If he goes, I go. Does anyone realize, if they have even one person who they know instinctively loves them, what they are doing to those people? He needs my love, but I need HIM and his, too! Nobody has it easy in life. If you think everyone else does but you, you are wrong. when we found his knife, there was a homemade "rope" made out of intertwined medical tape. It was about 18 inches long. What was that for? Please help me understand. I wish I could take everyone who was feeling so much pain and kiss them and hold them and move them into my home and love their pain away. Is this something I have no control over? What should I do to make him feel less alone? Can I? Is this an intrinsic thing that no-one can alter, no "coping plan" can fix, that all the love in the world and all of the soul-train dance lines down the middle of the aisle at Kroger can't make better? I'm losing him, and with him I am LOSING MYSELF. And if some of you think you want to kill yourselves, please understand that your act may cause the immediate death of someone who simply CANNOT live without you. If you had no idea about this, you'd better start thinking in those terms. Because it is true, and it happens more than you know.