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Scared to death for my son

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by momonwatch, Mar 26, 2012.

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  1. momonwatch

    momonwatch New Member

    First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

    I think all of you are so brave to reach out and share your feelings. What scares me to death is that much of what I hear many of you saying is the exact same thing my son says on a consistent basis.

    My life sucks. You don't understand me. I wish you understood me. Nobody likes me. I'm stupid. I'm embarrassing, I'm ugly (he's an absolutely gorgeous 13 year-old boy with dark blonde hair and bright blue eyes).

    He first revealed a plan about a month ago. I took him to the ER at Children's hospital. Their beds were full, and so I followed an ambulance to what I will politely call a "facility", which was supposed to be the same thing, then realized how bad things are at "facilities" and literally camped out in my minivan, calling the police and raising all kinds of holy he&* until they released him three days later to be rid of me.

    His plan was to kill himself on his birthday. I still had two days. I took him BACK to Children's ER, got a bed this time, and they are currently about to release him from the daily outpatient program he has been going to every day.

    I am scared to death.

    What he doesn't understand, and perhaps what some of you might not realize, is that this child is my OXYGEN. I cannot live without him. I check on him at night to make sure he is breathing. I search his room for knives. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am taking powerful medication just to deal with the reality of the situation. I dropped out of college, where I was a straight A student.

    He is sad. He has always been sad. It is almost unbearable. He has a big TV, a Wii, nice clothes to help him feel like he fits in, cable, toys, us, it doesn't matter.

    A lot of his problems stem from how he feels he is perceived at school. He feels he is bullied. Some of it is legitimate, but some of it is his perception that almost anything someone says is a slight...he is so tuned in to the negative that he absorbs it all, as opposed to being able to brush it off like most kids.

    He is my oldest son and my biggest mystery. I would die without him. Literally die. If he killed himself, I would want to die so that I could be buried with him and never leave him. I have thought about this many times.

    It breaks my heart and makes me so, so unbelievably sad to hear from so many wonderful people on this forum who want so badly to die. Yes, life sucks in many ways. We all know this. It is a fact of life. It is what you DO with it that changes everything. We do lots of silly and impractical things, just for the heck of it, when things get tough. We use it to laugh in the face of reality when it gets tough. We turn to humor and get stupid.

    If we survive the summer, I am terrified about middle school. I almost want to pull him out and say, to heck with school, lets just do things and learn from life. Would that be me being a responsible parent? I don't think so. It will limit his success in life and he can use that as a trigger later. Do I make him deal with the issues at school? More of a trigger.

    I have gone from being a vibrant, successful person to the subject of 9 inch-nails "Down in it". I am more medicated than he is. My husband is now on Xanax to deal with the pain. We have become a medicated family in order to go on.

    If he falls, we fall. If he goes, I go.

    Does anyone realize, if they have even one person who they know instinctively loves them, what they are doing to those people? He needs my love, but I need HIM and his, too! Nobody has it easy in life. If you think everyone else does but you, you are wrong.

    when we found his knife, there was a homemade "rope" made out of intertwined medical tape. It was about 18 inches long. What was that for?

    Please help me understand. I wish I could take everyone who was feeling so much pain and kiss them and hold them and move them into my home and love their pain away. Is this something I have no control over?

    What should I do to make him feel less alone?

    Can I? Is this an intrinsic thing that no-one can alter, no "coping plan" can fix, that all the love in the world and all of the soul-train dance lines down the middle of the aisle at Kroger can't make better?

    I'm losing him, and with him I am LOSING MYSELF.

    And if some of you think you want to kill yourselves, please understand that your act may cause the immediate death of someone who simply CANNOT live without you. If you had no idea about this, you'd better start thinking in those terms. Because it is true, and it happens more than you know.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HOw can YOU help him by keeping YOURSELF well Show him through example getting help is important and staying well is also. YOu get some therapy for you and you get back to school and finish that education. You get on medication if need be to decrease your anxiety to decrease your depression. You other children they need you as much as the child that is ill. They too will suffer from seeing you ill you not well .
    One thing you can do is fix YOU okay so you can be thinking logical and can be strong for your son your children when they need you. I understand your pain believe me i do my child has almost succeeded twice but i now know only way to help her is to keep me well and to get your child the help the ongoing support they need. Meds may help therapy will help

    Let the professionals look after you son and you get professional help too hun okay do it it helps to have someone to talk to about all your fears. hugs
  3. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Hi I saw this and just had to reply.

    First off what a hreatbreaking story to hear and what a truly incredible brave couragoues loving wonderful parent you are. I know, you are thinking how can I be so brave, or so wonderful a parent when I my son feels this way etc and I am taking medication to deal. But the fact is you are DEALING. So many parents mght have had enough now and tossed the child aside, locked himup in an institute somewhere and forgotten about him, or just visit him once a month. Just given up. But you are here and you continue to do all you can and you love him beyond measure. What an incredible human being you are.

    Now for the uncomfortable stuff. I uess I related to this because I couldn't help but picture my own mum as I read this. She has gone to hell and back a thousand times over me and still I continue to push her. I don't mean to though, that is the thing.

    My dad killed himself ten years ago so we know the pain and that makes it so much worse and me so much worse. BUt the fact of the matter is, I have so many problems with myself internally and externally, cosmetically and serious health issues and constant pain that I want to escape my body every second of the day either because of what it looks like when I look down or in the mirror (the ins and outs are in my post in the welcome forum) or because of the pain in my body, or the intense ringin in my ears that it is all too much and I am suffering. I have suffered for all my life, more so the past ten years and horrifically so these past few and things continue to degenerate and I know they will do so for the rest of my time here. I try so hard, so very very hard to get through each day and still laugh and smile for my mum. I have had breakdowns along the years but now things are so bad I can not hear or think straight and I have reached the end of my coping limit. I DO want life, but this is no life to live as far as I am concerned. Being a hermit, being in so much physical and mental torture. Things are not 'dealable' anymore like they were. I feel trapped and there is no way out.

    I'm just telling you this stuff so maybe you can get a hint of seeing things from your sons perspecitive. I am familair with the current issues he is having and it makes me just cry and feel so sad because these are the kinds of things that can, will and do change....things that can be improved. Things that aren;t forever. If only he could believe this, but at that age you do not know any better, you do not have the wisdom and experience of an older person. So most words will fall on deaf ears at that age and I completely understand why. I was severely bullied in school, I hated myself for the usual reasons but in reality I was still 'normal' and had things stayed that way (I ruined my own life for the most part to be fair) I would have lived a happy normal life...maybe been down and sad but I would have 'coped' and been able to live a life. It is only all the things that have happened to me that are all irreversible that makes life unliveable now and made me feel hopeless and trapped in life'. BUt if I had acted on those feelings I had at 14 I would have regretted it after knowing that I could move away and school is not forever etc. Also how you look at 13 is nothing to how you look ten years later. Look at those pics of celebrities in school to how they look now. Most of them probably hated what they saw too but look how they turned out. *If only we could make these teens realise this* It is so hard. So so hard to get through to them. My brother just turned 18 and we had issues with him, he just could not see that he was a child (not that we called him that of course ha) and his problems were temporarynd things change. That things can make you happy years down the road that you just can't experience right now.

    I can see what I am doing to my mum and it kills me, just absolutely devastates me but it feels beyoned my control now as I have surpassed my coping limit and now feel trapped and that seems the only option as living with this body and pain is too much now. I have even disgustingly selfishly thought if only we could all go, that way we could all have peace and no-one is feeling pain. I know it's an awful thought. But when you are pushed this far your mind naturally searches for every possible solution, and the most pain-free solution in my case. It is not because I don't understand the grief and pain it will cause. I do, full well. It is because I am suffering and not living a life....staying in your dark room in bed in pain with constant LOUD noise and hating every milisecond of your existence is not living nor is having your mum babysit you because you can not be outdoors around people anymore. It took me a long time to reach my limit but here I am, and everyone has a limit to suffering but everyones is different..

    Please keep fighting to extend your sons limit for as long as possible. It may just be that if you can keep him going for another few years he will mature, his outlook will mature, his school circumstances can change, he can have help and his self esteem may just improve ever so slightly as to keep him hanging on for another 5 years, then another 5 then another etc. He may be sad I am not going to say he will turn into the life of the party. But he will be alive. I wish I could help you more. If you think pulling him from school will keep him alive and show him a new way to live and learn to love some things in life then I do not think that is an irresponisble thing to do. It doesn't have to be forever it could even be just for a year or so and you can teach him things he needs to know in a fun, safe environment (but not staying indoors constantly of course which I wouldn't recommend) Sme people may disagree with me but if that is the difference bewteen life and death then you have to throw society and the ridiculous rules to the side. We didn't always live this way remember. Just be sure to fully discuss anything you do and keep him in agreeance where possible. Talk to him about the repercussions it could have, the worries you have for his future. Be sure he does what he wants. At least that way for the future you can say you both felt at the time this was the best decision. If he is alive and grateful in ten years time for it then he will be thankful you did it whether he is a lawyer or a mcdonalds worker. Who cares what job you do as long as you are living and have your loved ones and enjoying what you can out of life. Look at me I got an english degree and Ive never done anything remarkable since, only admin, but I have only been bothered about my health and being alive for my mum and fiance and thats what truly matters at the end of the day. Being rich and sucessful doe NOT equate happiness.

    I hope at least somethig out of this was helpful or of comfort to you. You are an amazing mum. Stay strong, we are all here for you to listen and help where we can. xxxxxxx
  4. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    Just logged on and came here first to read and my surprise all that needed be said has been said up there. To help him is to help yourselves first and be there in therapy with him, perhaps a family therapy is in order so he can also see what his toughts ad feelings are doing to those near hm so he can realize how loved he is.. perhaps he has lost focus on it... he is blinded by his dark toughts. Dont give up and take care of you and the family.. you are the pillars to that family so its not tme to call it quit none of you. Blessings and yes, if there oe person that cares it is a whole other thing but when you are aloe that loose all signification. Take care of you hun
  5. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    ps. forgot to ask you if your son has written here or you found this place by searchig o the net.. perhaps if he wrote here you ca read him out ad his cry for help??
  6. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member


    I just want to respond to three things in your post. I'll be clear that I am not a parent, nor am I particularly close to anyone, but I think I have some insight that might be helpful. I see a lot of myself in your son, and I may be able to help you understand him.

    "A lot of his problems stem from how he feels he is perceived at school. He feels he is bullied. Some of it is legitimate, but some of it is his perception that almost anything someone says is a slight...he is so tuned in to the negative that he absorbs it all, as opposed to being able to brush it off like most kids."

    Questions of legitimacy are not up to outsiders. By labeling some of his experiences and reactions illegitimate, you're suggesting the ways he understands his encounters with the world and other people are invalid. And considering we as individuals are the sum of our encounters with the world, you're devaluing part of who he is as a person. His reactions may not be normative, but they are his, and they are part of who he is, and comparing him to other kids just serves to isolate him even more. A perceived slight is just as real to the injured party as an observable or legitimized one is to another. In short, if he feels it, it is real to him.

    "It breaks my heart and makes me so, so unbelievably sad to hear from so many wonderful people on this forum who want so badly to die. Yes, life sucks in many ways. We all know this. It is a fact of life. It is what you DO with it that changes everything. We do lots of silly and impractical things, just for the heck of it, when things get tough. We use it to laugh in the face of reality when it gets tough. We turn to humor and get stupid."

    These are strategies that work for many people, but not for everyone. I, for one, am a humor junkie. But this doesn't always help, and almost never to the needed degree. A suicidally depressed person cannot snap or laugh him or herself out of it, and his or her experiences of life and encounters with the world around him/her cannot be shared or understood implicitly by others (nobody can feel what someone else is feeling). So expecting any particular strategy or worldview to have a salvific effect on someone else is untenable (it's rather like suggesting someone immediately believe in another religion: no matter what comfort it brings to one person, that experience or feeling cannot be shared).

    "Does anyone realize, if they have even one person who they know instinctively loves them, what they are doing to those people? He needs my love, but I need HIM and his, too! Nobody has it easy in life. If you think everyone else does but you, you are wrong."

    This is also related to the incompatibility of experience. You may love him, and he may love you, but there may also be a disconnect: he may not be able to feel loved, no matter what you do. He may not be able to understand or share your perspective any more than you can share his. This is not a willful matter: he is not choosing to feel isolated. He cannot help it. Again, comparing him with others is not productive.

    I understand that you are in distress and fearful for your son's life. It is clear he is dear to you. But you must build what bridges you can and locate the points of disconnect between you as individuals, knowing that a complete melding or sharing of minds is impossible, rather than reacting according to social norms.

    I wish you the best.
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    First off, I have to say that you sound like a great mother. It's understandable to be very concerned about your son, and it's good that you are trying to get help for him. I hope that things will get easier for both of you. Some things I wanted to touch on...you said he thinks very lowly of himself, where of course you think the opposite. How we see ourselves and how other people see us are often very different. People could tell me I'm not a bad person, I have a successful future, I'm not ugly etc. but i'll still feel like a terrible person and a failure. When you are suicidal, it's hard to see much good in yourself and in your life in general. It's good that your son has such a strong support system.

    Also, you said he has a lot of material things and he's still sad. It's not about the material things, it's about someone being there for you and caring about you. My mother always said that she bought me nice things, and I shouldn't feel this way. It didn't help that she was not attentive, kind, or caring. She wasn't there for me, even when she was there. I'm not comparing that situation to this at all, but I'm just saying that sometimes nothing in the world will stop you from being depressed.

    You said that he perceives he is being bullied...well, maybe he is. Not all kids can just shake it off...I know I couldn't, and still can't. Sometimes I can be very sensitive to people's words and actions, but I know I was truly bullied too. It hurt me deeply and still does. I even wrote a suicide note in class because I was so down. So maybe he really is being bullied and it could affect him more than you know.

    Sometimes things in life do get better, but not always. My stepfather always said he'd never kill himself because life gets better...he ended up killing myself. That makes me wonder if my life will ever improve, or if I'm just hanging here on earth for no good reason. I don't think that is the case with your son...I think he will have a great life. He is young and has a lot of potential and he has a loving family. He has people who care about him deeply. Me, I'm old and washed up and pretty useless to most people. No one would care if I was dead. They wouldn't hurt themselves...I doubt most would even miss me.

    Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent, I was just trying to relate some of my experience so that I could try to help. I sincerely wish the best for you and your son. It can be a hard road, but don't give up on him. He really needs you right now and I know that you can get through it together.
  8. momonwatch

    momonwatch New Member

    Wow...You guys are all amazing. I appreciate the comments and constructive criticism. You are right. You are telling me things from a perspective that I had forgotten about. When he would have a hard time like this at school before, I pulled him out. Twice. I did it as a gut instinct from a mom. I cannot tell you the disapproval and pressure from our family about how we were "ruining his life" and to put him back in school. Middle school, in my opinion, is the hardest time of life. at least, it was for me. I felt ugly. I had blonde eyebrows, which made it worse. I would go to class and have guys ask me if the carpet matched the drapes. I would have one guy who sat behind me run a pencil down my back to see if I was wearing a bra that day. I ate lunch in the bathroom. Then, I just quit going.

    My parents hated me for this, because it caused them so much trouble. I would skip school and go hang out at the SMU law library. I dropped out of school and got a modeling contract (all by myself) and went off to Milan, where I developed a good self-esteem, finally. I was so happy to get away from the negative influences in my family.

    There is that "freebird" part of me that will never die, the one who questions rules and conventionality. I can take him out of school and not look back. I may be disowned, but I'll protect and understand the way my son feels.

    He needs a mom and he needs love and to be understood on his terms. I will do that in spades to the best of my ability.

    It just makes me so sad to see him and so many of you, so precious and not knowing or understanding your true value, wanting to end it.

    My question is, do you feel this is an intrinsic thing? Something organic to you that would have happened no matter what your life was like? Something ingrained?

    It makes me feel so many emotions that I want to change my life and try to do something with it to help other people from feeling this way. I am not a stranger to a horrible, toxic life as a child and teenager. Boy, I was right there at the top. It was brutal. I made it, though. My job is for helping him make it, too. He is wanted, valued and loved.

    It makes me ANGRY to read some of you say you feel do not feel valued by other people or do not feel wanted and loved. That just sucks on every level. What the hell kind of family or friends help to project this image? Am I somehow projecting this to my son?

    How many of those reading this are able to get meds or benzos? I take them daily. I am a writer, and I'll be honest with you. Before my benzos, I couldn't even go to the grocery store without getting a panic attack. I had no friends. Klonopin did not change me, it made me feel normal. All of my wit, my spark, it just came right back. Without it, I would be a hermit. I only felt safe in my own space.

    My heart yearns to meet every one of you and hug you and cry with you and tell you how valuable you are.
  9. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    to your question, i couldnt function without my meds, not even have the strenght to do dishes or else.... got to go out to do landry and been pushig it aside fo a week now... missing some meds and it shows. no money, no candies :(

    hope things improve with your son. wondering f like in my family it is genetic.. are others ill in the famiy such as grand parents, uncle aunt cousin brother or sisters? in mine ithere are mental illness in both sides of the family and been told it was genetic in our family.

    wishing you all the best, prayers are with you. marie
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    AWESOME Momonwatch - you're an amazing woman. Welcome to SF :) What the hell kind of family or friends help to project negative images onto our sense of identity? Very good question. I had it done to me a lot too - it seems that bullying is intrinsic (unfortunately) and in this life 'out there' it certainly seems to be the rule of the jungle & 'survival of the fittest'. But, that is not how it should be and

    That is why, there is another way. There simply HAS to be, and there is. We can find it. It's a journey......
  11. Fredericks

    Fredericks Well-Known Member

    As to not feeling loved/valued: for me, it was an environmental thing: my mother would alternately ignore me and yell at me, and she frequently lied to me (still does); my father and she would fight constantly, and he would take out his frustrations on us kids. I got the brunt of it (my brother was my mother's favorite): he'd frequently beat me with a belt, and I virtually didn't speak to him for about ten years. I have very few memories of my parents saying they loved me; I know, intellectually, that they did and do, and I know that they were shaped by their own families (both are from broken homes), so I understand where they come from and why they did/do what they did/do, but there's no closeness between us.

    You don't sound like the kind of person who has done the above, so it's probably not that. If you frequently tell him that you love him and share yourself with him as a person (stories about yourself at his age, your interests, your dreams, etc), and give him space to do the same, you're probably doing all you can as a parent. There may be something organic going on--I was always a shy and serious kid, even before all the abuse--and things like depression and anxiety have links to genetic and other organic issues: there might even be something dietary going on.

    Perhaps more likely, it's a combination of his own personality and his experiences: shy or serious kids tend to get picked on, and if he's grown up in that kind of environment in school, that may have been enough. Lord knows we've seen an epidemic lately of kids being bullied to death in schools.

    As to meds, no. In addition to depression, I have severe anxiety and trust issues, so I haven't been able to bring myself to seek professional help. I take OTC meds that help somewhat with obsessive and intrusive thoughts, but otherwise I'm on my own.
  12. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I don't think I would feel valued or loved no matter what. My mom always says things like "I should have abused you more as a child", or "you were a beast of a kid" no matter how well-behaved I was. She still calls me names like bitch and everything else, so I guess I'm not that important to her. I wasn't wanted anyway...my sister was planned. When she tried to kill herself, she was really upset...when she knows that I want to do it, it's a joke to her. My feelings should be as important as anyone else's, but I guess they aren't to her. I don't think you're projecting negative feelings to your son at all. It seems like you are doing everything right. It's very kind of you to want to help everyone feel better, but I already know the truth about myself.
  13. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    To your question momonwatch....for me I think I always had a tendency to think pessimistically and struggle to see the positive before the negative. Like I got severely bullied for years I wanted to put myself in a coma for a few months to escape it but I never wanted to die back then. JUst remove myself from the situation.

    Essentially no, I am not naturally suicidal I do not think, I naturally want to be happy and fight my problems to improve life. It is everything that has happened to my body and health that has made me this way and this is stuff that can't be improved for the majority. I do want to live life, I have always fought to live it and be happy and strong. But all the $hit that has happened to my health and knowing I can not go out in the sunshine ever again or lead a normal life is what makes me suicidal because this is no way to live. SO I know I can not live every day like this in this torture and I want relief desperately and to get out of this body so I know one day I am going to go over the edge and leave. I don't want people to suffer but I am suffering immensely too and it stops me thinking rationally.

    I want to live, but I want to live like others, with normal problems like mortgages and debt and job or r.ship troubles. I refuse to live life in this condition watching other people from afar (I don't go out much now to avoid being stared at and also avoid the sun/heat obviously which is hard to do 8 months of the year) I can not even have peace and quiet nor listen to loud noise as I have tinnitus and hyperacusis. I can never escape pain of some sort.

    If none of these things had happened or if only a few had I would want to keep striving and living but I am not living anymore I am practically dead already as I have zero life and zero good times. My sweet funny personality is fading because of the pain, the noise, the constant heartache of knowing I have little left in life but my dark bedroom and loved ones who watch me suffer
    day and night.

    That's just me though. I do know that some people do feel it intrinsically. Even when their lives are okay and they admit they have got it good with money, looks, health, relationships etc they still empty and don't want to live. I'm not a doctor but that sounds more like a chemical thing perhaps? Which they have no control over? (Except with meds of course) Ultimately I think there are so many reasons for people to feel this way that you just can't categorise. There's usually a myriad of complicated reasons in lots of cases too. Tricky business this depression game. I wish I could help us all.

    I hope you are doing well and your son is staying on the right path. You are a great mum. Hang in there. :) This is also a great place to be for support :)
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