Scared to do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by serenata, Feb 15, 2011.

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  1. serenata

    serenata New Member

    Firstly i'm not looking for sympathy. I'm also not looking to be talked out of it. I really do not know why the hell i'm writing this on here, i don't know what i want to achieve out of it. All i know is i want to die but i'm to much of a pussy to do it.

    My reasons are firstly life started out pretty crap, had an alcholic abusive step dad who used to beat the crap out of me and my mum. I can picture him hanging me over the bannister until i wet myself, can picture him beating the crap outta my mum on the stairs and of me. My mum eventually did the right thing and we just left one day, travelled nearly 600 miles away without a penny and only the clothes we were wearing. this was when i was 10, i'm now 26.

    i do have a real dad, he left when i was a baby and cheated on my mum. i searched for him and found him, he told me to pass the phone on to my mum, so i did, he told her to tell me never to call him again.

    People at my new school didn't like the new poor boy with the strange accent, i was bullied but i soon made friends. I grew up to about 22 found a nice girl who i was madly deeply in love with who cheated on me and i've never spoke to her since to this day. i miss her so so much.i need closure, she dosn't speak to me.

    Now im 26 i'm redundant applying for jobs not getting anywhere, broke, living with my parents. I'm incredibly shy with 0 self confidence. I have a big group of friends but i only speak to them. i do not speak to people i don't know, i'm just too shy. I've got a insanely bad temper when someone hurts me or my friends i'm allways getting arrested and in trouble for fighting, if my friends wernt around to pull me off i swear i would not stop beating someone until they were dead.

    I want to fall in love.i wish i had a father figure. I wish i wasnt so shy and anti-social, i wish i close to my mum, i want to give her a cuddle so much i jst cant look at her in the eyes, i'm to much of anti-social person to even speak to her and i know she knows i'm a loser

    I'm in so much pain, i cry and i cry and i cry. Even my brother and sister who are younger are moved out with nice houses, and partners. They come and visit and just make me feel crap with stuff about how i'm living at home with no job.

    I need to know the easiest way to die. Sorry for the essay
  2. black orchid

    black orchid Well-Known Member

    First off, welcome to SF :)

    No one on here is going to tell you an easy way to die because it is pro-life, but they will offer you support and will listen to you.

    Why not stay around for a while and chat to some people on here, there are many of us who have had similar experiences and are in similar situations, you never know it may help just to know that you aren't alone.

    PM me any time. Look forward to seeing you around
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Agreed with Black Orchid, hope you'll stay and get to know some people here. It can help to know you're not alone, that there are other people who have been through some of the same things.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    There is no easy way out hun. And I think there is a part of you that wants to hold on. That's why you posted here. And that's good. Because so many others here understand all to well what you are up against and battling. You can be you here. No judgement or finger pointing. So please post some more. Let it out. You have probably been holding this all in for so long. I know how it is. You could of been writing about me in a lot of what you posted.
    Are you seeing anyone like a therapist or a psychiatrist ? Are you taking any meds for depression? Have you thought about attending a support group? I know a lot of questions but I want to help if I can. Please post more and lets see if we cant help you to take a few baby steps away from the edge you have found yourself at :arms:
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome. i also had a terrible childhood. it's taken some hard work in therapy to begin to heal from it but it is possible to feel better. i hope you will consider getting some extra support. you can start to heal. you deserve it.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums... I hope by coming here and making friends you will change your mind..Suicide isn't the answer..As far as your mom just walk up to her and give her a big hug.. You don't have to say anything..The hug will assure her that you love her..
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Please don't give up serenata. You can always get married in your 30's. :hug:
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