Hey all, this is my first post but it's the big dark spot in my psyche right now. I got out of a year and a half long relationship in September. He was a rebound and I thought it would be fun. I was almost immediately sucked into the life of a guy who had extensive, sick rape fantasies, all the time. He had them about friends, teachers, and his family. He told me that he was scared he would rape his little 16 year old cousin, and that playing out rape fantasies with me would be a way to avoid that. I'm extremely upset by and uncomfortable with this, but at this point I consent because I'm thinking if I can help this young girl, what's the worst that could happen? That goes on for months, and sometimes I cry (it's always painful) but I don't legitimately protest. One day, over this summer (I don't remember the day, which I know is odd but I didn't let myself think of it as rape at the time) he went too far. We started messing around, and we began his "fantasy" except this time, he was rougher. He started calling me by his cousin's name, saying scary and disgusting things about her, pretending I was her. I panicked and struggled to get away, cried, said no and stop. I went way farther in protesting because this time, it was real and desperate. He didn't stop. I wonder often if he knew that it was for real that time; I'm thinking he did. He covered my mouth and held my arms and choked me. My tears flowed onto his hands. We broke up in September (he was also physically and emotionally abusive so this was hard, but I figure that's for a different forum). I've told no one. I have terrible nightmares, the most life like I've ever had, of the incident. I've also had nightmares of non-specific rape. I have them often now. I also have dreams of what could now be happening to his cousin, since I've left. I hate the thought of sex and sexuality. I tried to hook up with a guy I'm into last week, and part of me was so into it, but I was also so nauseous and viscerally scared. I'm worried these things will never go away. I feel as if I can't tell anyone. I sympathize endlessly for other victims, but I can't apply that same sympathy to myself and I don't know why. I don't want to be seen "that way," though I don't think badly of other victims. Part of me knows this isn't true, but sometimes I still invalidate that is was rape, thinking that since I'd consented to the fantasies before, maybe that means I have to stop complaining about it. And what if he really didn't know, then is it rape? Sorry for the rant, y'all. I just needed to get it out somewhere. Thank you.