Been determined for ages to make it to new year. Got it in my head that next Wednesday, exactly one year since my best friend died, I will take a massive OD. Not to die, I don't know why, and I don't want to. But when I have not cut for a bit I dissociate and lose conscious thought. I lose time, and have no control. I am scared this is what will happen. I can't throw my tabs because they are medication I need, and I can't tell anyone because that would show that the smile is not real. I'm scared. I don't want to. I want to cut so that I know I will be safe from dissociation, but even that is not safe because my blood levels are so low. I'm fucked. There is nothing that can be said in response to this, I just needed to write it out. I'm scared, that's all there is to it.