My husband just left for his first evening working second shift. This means we will see each other only on the weekends and I will be home alone every evening. I am scared. As soon as he left, the fear that had been bubbling softly under the surface began to come up. Afternoons and evenings are the worst time of day for me, especially in the winter months. <mod edit - methods> I keep thinking, "Ok, Sofie, promise yourself that if you <mod edit - methods> and wait for my next therapy appointment....if I am able to restrain myself enough to call for help, I don't need the help, I just need to not be an ass and put <mod edit - methods> There is an battle...it really feels like that. A huge part of me wants to be done and knows exactly how and where I would do it. But there is a little part of me wondering "but what if you could get past this and not destroy your husband's life"....and that is what I am hanging onto here. I am just so alone. I have on one to talk to about this except a counselor I see every week or every other week. I have a friend who knows I am going through a lot but I cannot go to her with "hey, I want to die all. the. time" -- I cannot put the weight of something like that on someone because that is not fair. But it literally physically makes me hurt to hold this in.... Sorry for the rambling....just so alone and so scared and so easily able to access a fast end to it all....it is so enticing.