I am really scared of these thoughts. The past couple of weeks I had filled myself with delusions that I could "cure" myself and whilst it was productive in ensuring I got the appointments I needed, I became fixated, obsessed almost. I have also been on a mission to rid the world of mental illness. I believe there are camera's in public toilets watching me and through the webcam on my laptop. This is not a recent thing, this has been going on for a while. Although not normal, I was beginning to feel a little better and like I was getting myself back on track. sometimes the elevation in mood is pleasant, and while it is pleasant it is good. But it can turn nasty. Today I woke up wanting to kill myself with method in mind. It has come to me unprepared. Yesterday I was mildly elevated. Today full blown suicidal. I was driving and got panicky when I saw police cares because I thought they were watching me. The paranoia is setting in. Work is going to be dreadful whilst like this. I felt so bad today that I almost walked out the house and did said method. Then I felt such strong pangs of despair. I really thought I'd see the last of this but I haven't and I am so ashamed. I am a failure. I am sick of being so unstable, needy and appearing like all my screws are loose. I was trying, really trying, now I want to give up. I can't shut my mind off, millions of thoughts racing and colliding in my head. So angry that even the slightest sound I want to go into a rage. Voices mumbling and seeing peoples faces distort and eyes blacken. It wasn't like this yesterday so why today? I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!