Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Feb 8, 2013.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am really scared of these thoughts. The past couple of weeks I had filled myself with delusions that I could "cure" myself and whilst it was productive in ensuring I got the appointments I needed, I became fixated, obsessed almost. I have also been on a mission to rid the world of mental illness. I believe there are camera's in public toilets watching me and through the webcam on my laptop. This is not a recent thing, this has been going on for a while. Although not normal, I was beginning to feel a little better and like I was getting myself back on track. sometimes the elevation in mood is pleasant, and while it is pleasant it is good. But it can turn nasty.

    Today I woke up wanting to kill myself with method in mind. It has come to me unprepared. Yesterday I was mildly elevated. Today full blown suicidal. I was driving and got panicky when I saw police cares because I thought they were watching me. The paranoia is setting in. Work is going to be dreadful whilst like this. I felt so bad today that I almost walked out the house and did said method. Then I felt such strong pangs of despair. I really thought I'd see the last of this but I haven't and I am so ashamed. I am a failure. I am sick of being so unstable, needy and appearing like all my screws are loose. I was trying, really trying, now I want to give up. I can't shut my mind off, millions of thoughts racing and colliding in my head. So angry that even the slightest sound I want to go into a rage. Voices mumbling and seeing peoples faces distort and eyes blacken. It wasn't like this yesterday so why today? I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    It's the mind breaking down. I wish the NHS could make mental health better. However, that would entail a massive overhaul. I wish I had the answers. Just don't give up!
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    stress hun can cause increase delusions illness You are not a failure hun you are still fighting Hope you reach out to your doctor now hun and get some help ok
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Anything to do with a recent appointment? Let's either talk in chat or PMs. Unfortunately, these reactions are predictable when the apple cart is disrupted...I will clarify when we speak
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    No I don't think so. I know why you would think so though but although I was nervous (still am) I was very positive towards the appt. I think about the appt now and have no feelings towards it. No anxiety, no distress, nothing. Surely the change of mood would have gradually come on rather than a drastic shift overnight if it was brought on by the appt? I have been triggered and suicidal about appts before, but its come on gradually over days and weeks whilst thinking about it. This hasn't and it doesn't feel the same.
     
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Oh Butterfly wish I knew the things to say to make you feel better. You've nothing to be ashamed of, you're not a failure, this is a setback not a failure. Hugs, Theo.
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I also spoke to my fiance last night and he said himself he has seen a drastic change in me overnight. He said he thought I had been a bit quiet for a couple of days, but yesterday he could see how agitated I was and how fixated I was on distractions. I did not unglue myself from my laptop as games tend to be the only thing to give my mind a little break. I didn't want to be touched and he saw how angry I got when noises irritated me.

    Le sigh. Setback? This is my life and has been for 10 years. No matter how hard I try I will always be some unstable bitch who despite her talents and her good life, the only way to end her suffering would likely mean offing herself.
     
  8. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You're extremely harsh on yourself. Unfairly too. I'm far too erratic ATM to keep a record of my swings but you can look back on your posts to see (I bet) that you've been able to hang on and get back to a good place. You *can* do it again.
     
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