Scared

Hi, I'm new here. I already have writer's block. I have suicidal feelings about once a week, usually something triggers it, could be as minor as a bad work day, or a comment or thought that runs through my head. I'm on anti depressants as I'm suffering from major depression. I have been on them for quite some time, probably 6 years now...I've tried many different kinds as some worked for awhile, then they stopped working and I had to go onto something different. I feel good most days, but I'm incredibly lonely and have dealt with alot of pain and suffering in the past. I think the only thing that has kept me alive, when I'm in the suicide mindset, is worrying how my parents would feel...and yet, they are some of the reason why I am IN this mindset to begin with. I'm not blaming anyone, I just would like to know why some of us have this suicide "gene"....that's what it feels like to me. I know that people that I have confided in about this, when I ask them if they've ever thought about it they are all pretty adamant that it's not something that's ever crossed their minds...even if they've had rough spells or bad things have happened to them. How does one get stuck with this awful feeling that just doesn't seem to go away?? I try to be positive, I try to do things that make me feel I'm worth it...I write novels, I keep in shape, I have alot of friends...so what the hell is wrong with me?? When I get down in the dumps, I'm really down....it takes everything I have to NOT think about ending my life, I have to literally talk myself out of it, it's such a struggle and I hate feeling this way. I've been to many therapists, I've talked about my past issues, I've dealt with things...but I can't seem to shake the ugly black monster, which I call suicide, from my thoughts and mind. I worry that one day I will eventually take my life, as somedays it's the only way to stop the pain and loneliness I feel.

Thanks for listening.....SaraT.

 

Hi SaraT
first, welcome to the forum. I think it sucks that meds stop working and you have to go on others again and again.
It's also a shame that however efforts you make to keep healthy in body and mind you can't get rid of those thoughts totally.
It's interesting what you say about that gene,as I thought sometimes about the same too, till I heard from my own, strong, ambitious nothing gets her down sister that some event in her life brought that thought up at some time.I think we all be very surprised if everyone suffering from suicidal thoughts, depression, would come out the closet...look at the amount of people coming here allready.
I guess healing or geting over things and the amount of time that it takes has to do also with when bad things happen to a person, how long they go on... I don't know, i'ts just amateur pschycology :shy:
I hope you never though reach that point that you act upon your thoughts, and maybe use this site to relieve, vent, look for support in those and other moments, I am sure people will be glad to help you, comfort you, if only just listen....
Hope to see more of you on the forum when you're up to, hope you feel fine in here,
take care,
:hug:
helena

 

i am feeling exactly the same..that s all i got to say