Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pbcmom, Dec 31, 2013.

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  1. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    I've been having suicidal thoughts for a few weeks. I'm feeling so tired and worn down, like I have very little fight left in me. Tomorrow my daughter leaves to visit her dad for a couple of days. Initially I thought this was a great idea because it will give me a couple of days respite...I won't have to fake it or make sure I'm taking good care of her when I can't even really take care of myself right now. But I'm starting to panic. I'm worried that without her here, it will make it that much easier to just give in to the suicidal thoughts.

    Not really sure exactly why I'm here or what I expect. I'm scared. I don't want to let anyone know how bad things have gotten.
     
  2. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    My daughter is gone. I've lied to everyone I know. I told her dad I had plans with a friend today and would be working most of the time she was gone. To my family and friends who were interested in getting together for New Year's with me while my daughter was gone...I told them I was working. I'm not working. I'm actually scheduled off for the next week. The first person I told the lie to, I wasn't sure why, didn't plan it ahead, it just came out. I told myself I was doing it so that people would just leave me alone for a few days and I could have time to myself. I do want to be alone. But I'm not sure it's really a good idea. It would be so easy to use this opportunity to kill myself and end all of the pain and misery once and for all. I know it sounds selfish to want to end my pain when there is my daughter to think about. I just can't keep living like this. I feel so trapped...I want out but she needs me. I love her but I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep living.
     
  3. Hopelessinsalem

    Hopelessinsalem Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain and the desire to end it. Most everyone here can identify with that. You're lucky to have yor daughter who obviously needs you and gives you a reason to go on. How old is she?

    Keep in mind that tragically losing her mom to suicide will probably scar her for the rest of her life, and could make her suicidal as well. I really don't think you want that for her. It sounds like you love her very much.

    Most of us are here because while we may have suicidal thought and think about freeing ourselves from our pain, we still have doubts that this is the best solution, and we just need support from other who understand the feelings. You'll find a caring, sharing group of oeople here, some who can help you and some whom you may be able to help. Stick around and get to know them.

    I know one thing I'm doing is trying to find some way each day that I can do something positive for the world or maybe just one person in it. That gives me at least a small sense of purpose as I try to make it through the day
     
  4. pbcmom

    pbcmom Member

    My daughter is 9. I know that losing me would be difficult for her. But I really believe that I'm such a mess that I'm being a lousy mom and screwing her up. At least if I kill myself I will no longer be in pain and the sooner I do it the sooner she can start to heal from it and move on with her life.

    I thought that since she's not here I would try to drink away some of the hurt but I think I've drank too much and maybe it was a mistake.
     
  5. LemonLime11

    LemonLime11 Member

    PBC Mom,

    I lie to people all the time about what I'm doing. I've literally become so broken down that I actually tell people I recently went to the zoo or engaged in some other activity. I'm afraid that if they really knew that I hardly ever leave the house, they'll look down on me. Since all of family lives in another state, I can get away with it. Many times, for me, it's spur of the moment. I have no energy left and can hardly think or move. Saying I have other plans means I can stay by myself. :-(
     
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